Kirk Baby

Moving my blog

2011-06-14T10:52:00.001-07:00

So I've decided that maintaining two blogs with a 15 month old child is just too much. So I'm merging my two blogs together at: http://www.mskirko.blogspot.com. I will be posting all new updates about me and my family there for a while. Maybe someday I'll have time to do 2 blogs again! Thanks for reading!

Yet another post about my mental status...

2011-05-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Today at work my boss told me that 1) Several people regularly complain about how loud and often I talk in the office. It's a small office. and 2) That in a BIIIIG meeting we had last week (and let me stress BIG. As in huge. As in huge for the whole company) I was having a "side conversation" with one of the co-founders of the company, which reflected poorly on the company and on me. Apparently one of the huge execs of the company that's going to buy us was giving me looks and "several people" mentioned it to him. The other guy in the side conversation: he's not my boss. He's a particularly flirty guy and sort of an instigator. He was doing sort of little brother things like poking me, whispering to me, stretching his leg out to where he could kick me. After awhile I got involved and played along and got kind of into it. It didn't help that the meeting was 3+ hours long and this was at the tail end of it.

Anyway, I appreciate that my boss told me this, but now I feel like a huge idiot. I feel stupid and sad. I hate it when he says "several people" and then doesn't say who or when. I'm guessing in the first case it was everyone who sits around me (and I'm now looking around me wondering, "who said something?" "does someone dislike me?" "I thought my talking was endearing and wish someone would have said something to me" "who was it?")... In the second case, I just feel horrible. Doubtlessly it was an exec who said it, who thinks I'm an idiot, rude, or worse. I just feel terrible.

I did the whole song and dance of apologizing and whatnot, but I'm having a terrible time letting all this go. I got "in trouble" many times for talking about things I shouldn't in the office and other stuff, so it's clear I need to just stop talking. I think I'm obviously hugely depressed because I'm tired all the time and I just CANNOT let this thing go. Poor timing I guess considering I'm in a rather fragile spot post-move, illness, and conference (which exhausted me to how I felt before I started on the Zoloft). I want to cry and wallow in it and feel my pain and talk to a billion people about it until I feel better (hence this blog post). I feel all paranoid that people are looking at me as a huge slacker--as the annoying lurker of the office who just won't shut up.

Anyway, I guess I need to get back to working out. Hopefully that will help me get back to feeling normal and not so depressed again. I'm already on a super-high dose of Zoloft.

And, in other news, Amelia is great--so cute and adorable!

A year ago: A reflection on my struggles with Post Partum Anxiety

2011-05-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I was struggling very much with postpartum depression and anxiety. I thought I was just having trouble sleeping and it was possibly hormonal and temporary. But I started to realize it was driven by anxiety. I was reminded of this feeling when I met my friends newborn baby. Just being around her (and already being in a fragile state lately from my illness, move, etc), I felt so much anxiety around the newborn baby that helped me understand the state I must have been in when my baby was a newborn.

As you probably already know, almost exactly a year ago I tried to "fix" my insomnia by taking a variety of medications and trying different things: staying in the guest room (and far away from the baby at night), taking Benadryl, Xanax, Ativan, Ambien and more for sleep. I tried modifying my sleep hygiene, taking baths, relaxing, doing deep breathing, exhausting myself with exercise. Sometimes these worked, sometimes not. While on a three-week road trip vacation, I started to realize how tense I really was and that I might not just be having a sleep problem, but anxiety about the well-being of my perfectly mellow, easygoing baby. When I returned from the trip, I sought help for the anxiety.

I got some sleep meds at the intensive outpatient program (IOP) I attended 3 days a week for 3 hours a day and began to realize and understand that I was experiencing PPA. Still, I had an overarching concern that I would be on sleep medication long term and felt an urgency to get off of them "as soon as possible" even though the doctors continued to reassure me that in good time I would get off of them and they were only temporary (I thought "temporary" meant a week or two. I was alarmed when it turned into 1 month, then 2, etc.). I was concerned that being on them would negatively affect my baby because I was breastfeeding and I felt like I shouldn't NEED the drugs. That plenty of other mothers have sleep problems with a newborn and I should be able to suck it up like they did. I was plagued by the thought that women suffered through this before postpartum was recognized as an illness and shuddered to think about how suicidal I was when I got no sleep in a night. During the IOP, I encountered a lot of people who felt strongly that to take medication for PPA/PPD, they needed to stop breastfeeding. But, I refused to stop.

I tried to taper down because I was insistent that taking drugs to sleep was a bad thing and I should be able to do without them. At the same time I was trying to taper, I went through many major life changes: got a new job with a long and hellish commute, traveled, moved, and had to get used to a new city, new doctors, therapists, etc. And, my sleep started to suffer again. After much suffering through trying multiple medications and trying to taper, I finally gave in. I realized that if I needed to take drugs to sleep, I would. It was better to be able to sleep and be function and feel decent the next day than to try to get off a drug and feel like I was at the end of my rope and unable to function because I was so fatigued and depressed the next day.

There was one point during my suffering and trying of many medications that I considered that I should stop breastfeeding. When I was at my darkest and lowest, I felt exhausted. Tired. Beyond explanation. I could barely function. I thought it was because of the breastfeeding. But I didn't stop and started the Zoloft instead (pretty much a last-ditch effort) and later realized my fatigue and exhaustion was because of the depression I didn't know I was experiencing, not breastfeeding.

Soon, I began to take Zoloft. After just a few days I started to feel like I was emerging from a tunnel of despair. And, it only got better. It made me realize that I actually HAD been depressed--perhaps from all the stressors in my life, perhaps in combination with the PPA. But in a few weeks I felt so good, I couldn't believe it. I was pretty much back to my normal self. And, to this day, I wish I would have tried it sooner. For so long I insisted that I didn't need it. I SHOULDN'T need it. But now I see I may have been able to save myself much suffering and enjoyed things more. But I'm glad I found it when I did. I wasn't sure I could go on anymore and was considering the possibility of going on disability.

One year later, after all these struggles, I don't regret or feel bad in ANY way for taking the medications. In fact, I am THANKFUL for them. More than thankful. I believe they saved me. And, I've realized that breastfeeding while taking them is STILL better for my baby than subjecting her to unknown chemicals in formula. I feel like I made the best decision for me and my family by taking medication and continuing to breastfeed. I've still been able to live my dream of donating milk to other mamas who didn't mind that I was on medication and to breastfeed my daughter even now at 14 months (my dream is to bf until she is at least 2 years old, as long as she wants to). The Zoloft has enabled me to cope with some of the hardest things I've ever done: travel with an active 1 year old, be up at many hours of the night with her, go to work, encounter many life stressors, and more with a normal amount of stress (not a crippling amount).

I soon hope to get off the sleeping medication, but I'm not in any hurry. It's better for everyone if I get normal sleep. I never again want to spend my days and nights being worried and consumed by this concern. I have no need or desire to get off the Zoloft. It has changed my life and I am so happy to have something that has helped me so much.

My words of wisdom to any mothers out there who thinks they just have a "sleep" or "tiredness" problem: PLEASE just consider that you might need help. See a doctor or therapist about it. If you need to take medications, do so and NEVER look back. If you don't want to have PPD/PPA, it's OK. It's not your fault. Just like cancer patients didn't DO anything to have cancer or WANT to have it, they still have to make a choice to treat it and live. Choose life--one you can live fully and without suffering. It really can exist. And contact me if you need support or have questions. Really.

Life has been crazy...

2011-05-18T09:00:00.001-07:00

So if you follow this blog regularly, but you don't know me personally you've probably wondered why I haven't posted in 2 months or so. Well, I have a VERY good reason! Well, actually multiple reasons.

First, I had pnuemonia for 2 months. I was in bed for almost every day of those 2 months! It was rough. Why didn't I post with all that time in bed, you ask? Well, I was not just exhausted--so exhausted to do much of anything, including post, all my energy was going into trying to do a little work AND the next thing:

Second, we bought a house. It turned out that during the course of my illness an offer we put on a house was accepted and I managed 90% of the details (calling people, signing and sending papers, managing home improvement tasks, buying needed items for the house, and more) all from bed. So my energy, when I had it, went into that.

Third, we moved into the new house. Yes, I was still sick with pneumonia. Clearly, this means I was without Internet access for a time, was busy watching my relatives pack and unpack me, doing yardwork, organizing, etc. All of which meant, blogging was the furthest from my mind!

Not to mention the 14 month old toddler running around trying to kill herself regularly! The hardwood floors and stairs present lots of new fun hazards for her!

Anyway, I'm recovered now (mostly) and things are starting to settle down a bit. The company I work for was just purchased, so there's some turbulence at work, but at least my personal life is a little less intense. We are still pretty busy with home projects and family visits, but it should be a slow summer (I hope!). That means, hopefully, I can post updates about Double J, soooooo STAY TUNED! :-)

The Latest on Double J and the rest of us!

2011-04-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

So I've started calling my daughter Double J because her two middle names start with J. So I'll probably just refer to her as that or Double from now on... :-)

So she's getting enormous--a full blown toddler. She only will eat what she can pick up with her hands with VERY few exceptions. She's a little picky, but for the most part, if she can pick it up, she will eat it.

She's learned some sign language and is using words more (yay!). She can say Mama, Dada, and Mow for the cat (like meow hehe).

She's walking so stablely and getting into everything! To the point where we've had to implement timeouts. It's not the easiest, but it has been working. She also hates her diaper changes, which I guess is common at that age.

I've been sick with pnuemonia for over 3 weeks now. I'm (hopefully) mostly recovered at this point and back to work, but still coughing and questionable at times. I've barely moved and certainly not exercised in that entire time. But I don't want to push myself because this sucks. It's unexplainable how tired and unwell I feel even if I look and seem ok. ugh! No fun! Finished Round 2 of antibiotics yesterday.

And... we are moving into our new house on Saturday!!! My in-laws are flying in to help us pack and babysit and unpack and clean and everything and it's going to suck so much less than usual! Hooray!! The movers come Saturday and I'm hoping my inlaws are ok with packing everything in the house because I will be at work and someone will have to take care of Double while the rest packs... We haven't so much as put one thing into a box yet, so hopefully they will get it all done in just 2 days! Ack! Not looking forward to the stress, but thankful they will be helping us!

Thoughts about my fears during pregnancy...

2011-04-07T10:55:00.000-07:00

Beyond the normal fears of worrying that the baby might not be okay physically, one of my greatest fears about having a child was that I would not know when she was sick, when to take her to the doctor, when to feed her, what to feed her, how to feed her, etc. I was concerned that I would do things like ignore her symptoms when she was sick and then she'd be suffering and I would just let her without taking her to the doctor until things were really bad.

Or I was concerned that she'd be hungry for solid food when she got older and I'd forget to feed her. Or that I would forget to change her or put her in new clothes and she'd be in gross dirty ones for days. I was concerned I wouldn't remember to bathe her and the list goes on. So I read every parenting book I could and took classes to learn how to care for a baby because I felt completely unprepared for actually caring for another human being.

The classes and books definitely helped me be prepared, but, as it turns out, it wasn't quite as difficult to remember to do all these things as I thought. For one thing, I am a creature of habit who thrives on routine. Once we worked out a routine for bath, bed time, changing clothes and diapers, food, etc. it became easier to remember to do things. Also, having a routine and structure helped me to know what my baby needed. I could deduct since she hadn't eaten in awhile that she was probably hungry when she cried. If she cried at a strange time I could assume she might be sick.

It turns out that mothering and remembering to care for your child is quite instinctual. It's the first thing I think about more often than not. As the routines have changed over time - more time between feedings, switching over to solid food instead of milk - it did take some time to get used to the new routine. For example, when we started to switch her to eating more solid foods we had to really experiment with when, how much, and what to feed her. Now, though, we have a breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner routine. But it took a month or so to get into it (and to remember to do it!).

I'm glad to know that my fears were mostly unfounded. It's pretty easy to tell when your child is sick. It's obvious when she gets red spots all over her body that weren't there before or when she feels warmer than usual or has a cold and snot is pouring out of her nose. And the advice nurses are so helpful at helping you know what to do in those situations--whether you need to bring her in, what to watch for. So you don't have to know everything. We still have a routine and I still read about parenting, but now it's more specific to what we are experience in this new stage of her life and I feel so much more confident that I know what she needs, since now I know my child pretty well and what she is most likely crying about.

The end of an era

2011-03-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

My little girl is growing up. She's now more than a year old and we are adjusting accordingly.

She is a little sponge. She holds phones and earbuds up to her ear and is becoming a master of imitation. It's amazing how much she sees and understands. I try to talk to her like she can understand me and I'm fairly confident she actually does. It's kind of like talking to someone who has lost their ability to speak but still hears every word you say.

We just got back from my baby brother's wedding! Aww! So sweet! It was wonderful to be around family. They are so sweet together. Unfortunately, though, Amelia got pretty sick. She stopped eating much right before we left--she was just getting over a cold and a new tooth was coming in. So we figured that was related. Then, she had horrific diahrrea and pretty much all she would eat or drink was breastmilk straight from the tap (and not a bottle). So for days I was nursing her around the clock like a newborn. And, because everything distracts her and she was disturbed by being a new place around tons of new people and totally sick, she needed to be nursed in a dark, quiet room every time. And, let me tell you, that was no picnic. Fortunately, my mother-in-law and brother's mother-in-law were available to step in to help quite a bit.

She's also started this attachment thing where she's getting very attached to me in particular, but both Aaron and I in general. Also, she's got a few toys she carries around with her everywhere that she's very attached to. This was all very new when we were on our trip. She would cry anytime I'd walk by and reach for me, but when I wasn't around she was totally fine.

She's walking very well and has really started getting a kick out of being around people. She loves to walk around with a few adults watching her and then clap for them and get them to clap too. She laughs and smiles and claps like she's trying to get people to do it too. It's so cute!

And, finally, she's now eating most of her meals as actual solid foods. Which means she's not nursing that much and which means I've taken my 3-times-a-day pumping all the way down to 1, which feels a little sad! I've really enjoyed those pumping breaks and the knowledge that they were helping my baby be nourished. But now, she barely drinks breastmilk during the day and nurses in the morning and at night. I think that will eventually be the only time we nurse, if at all. I know things are changing and headed towards a difference, but it's a bit of an adjustment and makes me a little sad. I'm glad, though, that she's growing up and learning so much. I love helping her learn. She's such a fun little sponge!

A House!

2011-03-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

We put an offer on a house and it got accepted! Hooray! So now we have to go through all the mortgage mumbo jumbo, the inspection, and more. And then, maybe, just maybe we will have the perfect place to live! Hooray! It's beautiful and has been completely redone and has an AMAZING view of San Francisco and the bay. Yay!

Happy First Birthday, AJ!

2011-03-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

My baby is 1 today. This time last year I was laying on the hospital bed getting cleaned up after a harrowing 8 hours of intense, painful labor. But, my baby was out and beautiful and she has changed our lives forever. She loved her first birthday party and went nuts with the cake!

Kids Stuff Swap in the East Bay on March 5, 2011! Yay!

2011-02-24T13:04:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited to go to this Kindercycle swap of kids stuff on March 5, 2011 in Rockridge. We need clothes and boots and a winter coat for Amelia SO BADLY, so I hope it's really big and there are things in her size! I'll even take boys stuff at this point. She needs so much. She's outgrown just about everything and even the stuff I made for her she leaks onto. So, if you happen to be in the Bay Area, come out for the swap!

My Baby is Amazing!

2011-02-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

I love my baby girl so much! She is almost one year old! I can't believe it!

She is so much fun. She is starting to walk and she is alert and excited about everything. I love watching her learn to walk--it's amazing this journey that we take for granted. She literally started as a blank slate and has learned some words, learned how to control her hands, arms, legs, head, mouth, eyes, voice, and more. She is learning to walk and watching her try and stumble is such an exciting journey. I would say there are almost no downsides to this. Sure, I get bloody nipples from her testing out her new tooth while nursing and it isn't fun when she struggles during diaper changes, but it just shows how newly independent and interested she is in all the new things in her world.

And it is so fun to watch. I love watching her play. I love watching her clap. I love watching her crawl, walk, explore--everything. It is SO MUCH FUN!

She is such a delightful girl and I am so thrilled to be her momma. We are going to have great fun together!

One year later: My perspective on minimal baby stuff

2011-02-02T12:46:00.000-08:00

So over a year ago (OMG has it been a year already?!) I posted this post on having and raising a baby with minimal stuff.

In short I'd like to say, I was right. But, there are a few things that weren't quite what I expected.

First, the crib. We used the co-sleeper in our room for the first 7 weeks, then I realized something. It sucked to breastfeed in bed. It wasn't at all easy or natural for me to breastfeed a very TINY baby by lying down. She can't get to your breast very easily and you have to really figure out how to hold her head, plus you have to change the diaper and the whole bit and you kind of need light for that, so in the end it was way easier for me to get up, feed her in the living room with light on where I could read a book (without having to figure out some kind of complicated book light and sit up in bed with my husband sleeping next to me). We also left the changing pad in the living room, too, so night time changes were MUCH faster that way.

After 7 weeks, I started having serious insomnia (related to my post partum depression, which you can read lots about on this blog) and it made more sense for Amelia to be moved to her own room. That transition really worked fine. We could easily hear her if she cried in the middle of the night (without a baby monitor, thank you very much) and it was nice to have my room back (I could go in and get clothes in the middle of the day without disturbing her nap!)

I suppose if you were brave you could just let your baby sleep on the bed, but ours is very high off the ground and it really terrified me to try that. When we went on vacation when she was 2 months old, though, we did just put a small mattress on the floor that she slept on without issue. When she got to be about 5 or 6 months, though, she rolled around a lot and that wouldn't have worked any more (nor would the bed). We put a crib in her room when she was about 7 months old (borrowed from a friend).

The changing pad on the floor has been fabulous for so many reasons. We could move it all around the house. Now that Amelia is mobile and wants to squirm out of her diaper changes, I'm SO glad it's on the floor. I wouldn't want her squirming around from a high place. Friends of mine got a changing table that is also a dresser for their baby and it fit neatly into a sliding-door closet, so that's another way you could do it.

We did end up using regular wipes, for convenience sake. However, we do still use home made ones from time to time, especially when her little butt is red or seems irritated. Cloth diapers have been fabulous and I love them!

And now, for the toys. I thought they were useless. I resisted. I hated them and their bright colors. And then I saw how much she loved them. And it was suddenly fun to watch her play with them. She loved the activity play gym (I resisted this one, but she LOVED it and it was SO CUTE!). She loved the bouncer (and it was a Godsend. We both loved it. So nice to help her see out a bit when she's small without having to constantly hold her or put her on the ground. I have to admit, she also really likes ones that make noise. I can put up with ones that make a *little* noise and that's all she's going to get. Too bad, so sad. But she really does love them.

The swing was not my favorite, but my husband swore this worked for getting her to take naps (he took care of her while I worked during the day). Personally, I think it's unnecessary.

Also unnecessary:
* Excersaucer. It helps. It was kinda fun. She liked it. But, it's huge and we could live without it. Although it IS good now that she is mobile for putting her in for a few minutes while I do something else so I don't have to chase her the entire time.
* Rocking/swing chairs. It's helpful to having something like that, but I had a Poang from Ikea and it works just as well. Those special rocking things are nice, but definitely not necessary.
* Decorations. We have yet to decorate her room. We still rent anyway. We have a few cute things hanging up that we got as gifts.

Totally necessary:
* Changing pad. Get it. It's worth it. Get at least 2 covers, 3 if you can help it. Okay, so you can live without this, but it's really, really nice to have.
* My Breast Friend pillow. Invaluable. It eliminates the need for fancy chairs and furniture and makes feeding tiny babies SO MUCH EASIER. Worth the extra money and saves on furniture and back problem costs!
* Burp cloths. No really. Doesn't have to be the cute, fancy kind, but it's really nice to have something designated as a burp cloth. We really did go through 4 or 5 in a day sometimes.
* Hard books. She likes to eat the other ones. And she loves playing with the thick ones. Good small space toys!
* Layering clothes - you have to change them a fair amount. It's nice not to have to do laundry constantly. You could probably get away with 5 onesies and 5 sleepers and that would be fine. You'll probably get them as gifts anyway.
* Nursing pads (reusable--it's nice to have at least 5 pairs, but you could definitely do well with less)
* Baby bath - doesn't have to be crazy, but you really will need something to bathe them in when they are small. We couldn't bathe her in the actual tub until she was 10 months old.
* Non-slip bath mat for the tub (for when she is able to sit up in the actual bath tub), but you won't need this for awhile.

I think that about covers it. Raising a baby minimally is totally possible, but some things are definitely more necessary than others. Mostly you really don't need much. Some are nice to haves. But overall, if you don't have most of the crap they say you need, you will be fine. We have! We bought only a few diapers, the pump, and stroller (with gift cards) and the rest were all gifts, borrowed, or hand me downs. Or, I made them myself. I'm proud to say that we have very little baby stuff because we gave it back or didn't buy it in the first place!

Zoloft is Awesome!

2011-02-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

One of these days I'll get back to posting about my baby (she's sprouting her first tooth S-L-O-W-L-Y and she is active and crazy and throwing tantrums and tons of fun!), but for now I still have so much to say about my recovery.

I'm taking Zoloft. I'm feeling better. A lot better. I'm also sleeping well, so that helps. When I have a bad night, I feel ok during the day--tired and exhausted sure, but not as exhausted as I used to and much, MUCH more positive. I am starting to feel like I'm not in the tunnel any more. I feel almost normal. Almost like myself again. This is so exciting and amazing! It's subtle, but it's making a huge difference. I really felt like I was in a cloud and now I feel like I can be positive, even when things aren't feeling so great, physically. Maybe this has to do with my taking some time off of work, but I have had days off before (like around Christmas) and I did not feel like this. I felt tired and I didn't realize how depressed I was until now. I don't feel it anymore, which makes me know that I'm actually coming out of it. I guess you don't know you're depressed until you come out of it? It's amazing the difference. The "hormones" that I thought I was feeling seem like they were depression. Now, they do anyway. I didn't think so before.

My anxiety still flares from time to time, but now I can get a handle on it through praying and deep breathing and I'm doing so much better! I am so thankful that this is working! What an answer to prayer!

Today is a Good Day

2011-01-26T15:21:00.000-08:00

Just on the heels of two bad ones in a row comes a good day.

What makes it a good day? That's what my therapist asked me. Basically it boils down to: I have energy and I feel happy. I feel like there is light in the tunnel. Or maybe like I'm out of the tunnel. I feel lighter and it feels like there are possibilities--like maybe I could make or do something. I can concentrate. I don't feel fear or anxiety. I don't feel sad or depressed. I got good sleep last night. I'm not worried about my sleep tonight (because I don't have to work tomorrow). I feel thankful and happy that I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't mind working. I am able to work well and effectively without feeling incompetent.

Amelia took her first steps on Saturday! She is getting so big! I love her so much.

Lately I've been struggling with accepting my new life. I'm not going to be able to get things I want to done. I have to accept that. I'm not going to be able to go out with my friends until I feel ready. I'm happy to accept that, but a little sad that I am missing my friends. I am having the most trouble realizing I won't get to sew much in the near future. I didn't mind so much when I accepted this to be the case. But now I REALLY want to sew some things and it's tough to accept this as reality. I was okay with it for the first year. Now I'm itching to get stuff made! But, trying to get sewing done is just too stressful. I can't put pressure on myself to get things done. It is just too much. I need to focus on what I need to/have to do: work, take care of my baby, and take care of myself. Anything beyond that needs to just go to the wayside for now. And I need to make my peace with that... and yet I still hold out hope!

From Postpartum Progress: 20 Things I Never Want to Hear Again about PPD

2011-01-10T13:54:00.001-08:00

I actually laughed out loud for some of these. If you've ever dealt with this, you can probably relate.

My Baby Can Communicate!

2011-01-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

So within the last 2 days, Amelia has started pointing! I know this may not seem like a lot, but to me this is an amazingly huge thing.

See, I am a communicator. Let's break it down. I MAJORED in communication for both undergraduate and graduate school. I am an infamous chatterbox. I communicate for a LIVING (in fact, my profession is called "Technical Communicator"). I write 2 BLOGS. I am a social butterfly (which means I connect to people via lots of communication).

Yes, I'd say communication is my forte.

Which means that you can imagine how I've been waiting for my little sponge of a baby to start interacting back with me. And every time she has interacted--laughing, smiling, playing, even crying--I have celebrated that she has communicated with me and let me know what she needs/likes/dislikes. A few months ago she learned a few sign language signals--milk (which she subsequently used to mean tired, hungry, AND milk) and bye-bye. At one point she could do more, but I think we overloaded her brain. In the last month she started saying "Ma" by which I think she means "milk." Since it's the first hand sign she learned and pretty much the only thing she feels strongly about when it's absent, it makes sense it would be her first word. And she's been communicating with us by turning her head when she doesn't want food or, more recently, pushing away things she doesn't want.

And now, she can point! To everything! Two days ago she pointed to her water and then she drank it! Yesterday she pointed to her pacifier. Today she pointed to a water bottle she wanted to play with. It's amazing! She is truly able to tell us what she wants. And, it's also exciting that she clearly understand things now. She knows who mommy is, who daddy is, what the kitty is, what milk is, and more! It's amazing! And it feels like such a breakthrough. We can finally get a teeny tiny window into Amelia's world now that she can "talk back." And it is so exciting and refreshing.

Reflecting on 2010

2011-01-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

Well I can safely say that 2010 was the most life-changing year of my life. It had the highest highs, some of the lowest lows, and some of the most interesting challenges. I've had to learn to wait on God and to totally relinquish control. I couldn't choose when the baby came or how and she did and it was wonderful. I couldn't choose how my body responded or how long it is taking to get better and I am still surviving. And I couldn't imagine how much I love and cherish my sweet daughter more than anything I have ever known. She is amazing and fun and cute and I cannot get enough! I love showing her off, seeing her newest tricks and watching her learn.

It was an unforgettable year.

Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.

I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)

Today is a Bad Day

2010-12-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

I wish I had good news to report, but instead all the happy days get overshadowed where there is one like this. I am depressed today. There is no other way to describe it. I just want to cry and cry and cry and wallow in it. I feel terrible. I am mentally and physically exhuasted. I can't express emotion. I can't eat. I can't function. I just want to hold my baby and bawl my eyes out. I just want to be relieved of this misery. I will do anything--ANYTHING. I have been suffering for so long and I'm just so tired of it. So so tired. and so depressed. My body is working against me. I feel like it hates me and I just want to kill it. I want a new one that doesn't trap me with fatigue. One that sleeps and gets rest. I can take pain and aches and problems, but not this. This is the worst thing I can think of outside of a terminal illness and death. Why can't I get better? Why isn't this getting better? I don't know what to do anymore and my thoughts are veering dark...

What Is Motherhood?

2010-12-27T09:56:00.000-08:00

Merry Belated Christmas to all! In general things are good here. Christmas was just us three in Oakland this year. I wish family could be around, but I'm SO glad I didn't have to travel and get into any bad (read: cold) weather! It was also nice to just have a few days of relaxing time at home off of work. It certainly helped me feel less anxious and more relaxed. The days haven't all been perfect, but I think what I'm finally learning is what my new life is going to be like.

My only preconcieved notion of motherhood was that it IS possible to do it all--that the baby doesn't have to change you. I have read so much about the disillusionment of motherhood. About how the baby rips you from the life you once had and suddenly you are a totally different person and you lose your sense of self, etc. But, I continued to believe that this only happens if you let it. I read an article about the loss of self related to motherhood after having Amelia and I thought, "These people are silly. Why did they let it get to them? I will never be like that." And when my previously cool friends turned into overprotective, child-obsessed people I scoffed. But, now that I've had some time to really get used to Amelia in my life--to really see what my life is and what it will be like for the next many years, it's a real eye-opener.

Yes, I've lost my sense of self--sort of. I'm still me, but unlike what I expected, I REALLY want to be around my baby ALL the time. She is cool and funny and really friggin cute. I think I hold on to her so much because I see how rapidly she is changing and I want to hang on to every minute when she is sweet and adorable and small and smiley. I know it won't last forever. I see her changing before my eyes. One day away at work and I come home and notice her face is different and her hair is longer and she's doing something new. It really makes me want to spend every waking second with her. My interests and hobbies have taken a backseat to this. As she gets older, I think it will get easier. She won't change as rapidly and she'll be easier to take places. For now, it's easier just to be home and hang out--as boring as it sounds. And, I hate to be away from her, partly because I work so many of her waking hours and partly because I don't want to miss any more than I have to.

Then there's the nursing. In a previous post I said that it makes me tired. So even when Amelia's asleep, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just so tired! I love nursing and I LOVE that it allows me to eat anything and still drop pounds, but it definitely makes it hard to go anywhere in the evening. That and, of course, my sleeping issues, which are gradually getting better. I think I'm finally learning that it's okay to have a bad night here and there and that it happens. It's best if I don't let it ruin my day, but it can be hard not to let it get to me. And then, for most parents whose baby doesn't even sleep through the night, the thought must go through their minds, "Why would I waste time going out tonight, when I could be sleeping?!" You have to take advantage of it while you can! And, even if I did want to go out, Amelia would be up at 7:30, pretty much destroying any possibility for me to sleep in. I think that going out will have to wait a few years.

As for bringing her places--that can be tough, too. It's not that hard to bring her places, but it can take some effort. She requires a lot of stuff--diaper bag, pacifier, food, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. And I can totally manage that. But what is tough is when she is moving and getting into things and I have to keep an eye on her. I really can't just let her roam free--not yet. She's too young to understand she could choke or electrocute herself or pull something heavy on top of her. This makes it really hard to take her places. Add to that the lack of energy and you are starting to get the picture.

All this and I have an EASY baby. I mean, the EASIEST! She is mellow, easy-going, relaxed, and fine in 90% of situations, but it's still hard. Even putting all this on paper, I still can't figure out what, exactly, makes it so dang hard... But I do see now why people think it is attractive to go out without your children or to stay in with them! And I do think that I am finally starting to understand that Amelia is forever. She's not just a fun novelty toy (duh! but that's kind of the image I had in my head of me with a baby) that I'll get to hug forever. She's a real person and I'm only now starting to see how responsible for her I am. And, even more, I'm starting to see how I am a totally normal and (I think) super cool person and I am a mother. And I never really thought that about mine or any other mothers. But now I think I am coming around. I am starting to really see the sacrifice and work that goes into it and I'm really appreciative of all the women who have done this for years. Mothers are friggin' amazing! And, to think they didn't even have as much help as I did! I'm lucky and blessed and I know it, but dang motherhood is definitely turning out to be an adventure unlike anything I ever expected or experienced!

PS: I think having a dog actually WOULD prepare you for having a kid. It's a similar dynamic. You have to put in the effort to train, walk, feed, and water them AND it's long term AND you have to find a dog-sitter for when you want to go out. Big difference on the sleep, nursing, and hormones front though. :-)

Nursing Makes Me Tired?

2010-12-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

So I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I've been feeling so tired and low energy lately. I keep thinking this is a result of my anxiety. When I was pregnant I felt tired and low energy a lot of the time and it had to do with my incubating a small human. But now I wonder if there's something wrong with me and why I feel almost the same as when I was pregnant tired. My brain feels asleep at times and, even when I get lots of sleep, I just feel like I want to lay on the couch and watch a good movie.

I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!

It's the Holiday Season

2010-12-10T11:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I last posted and I can tell you why. I've been busy doing a lot of things on the Internet and I haven't had time to blog. What have I been doing you ask? Shopping! Yes, I got into a sort of addiction there for a bit. It all started with shoes (doesn't it always?) and ended with new pants, new tops, new leggings, new sweaters, and a pair of new boots. I learned some valuable lessons about ordering items online (shop at the stores that offer free return shipping!). Why did I do this? Well, since our move we no longer really live near any stores I can reasonably shop at, so I've been doing pretty much all my shopping online. Plus, I really relish my weekend time with Amelia and when I needed a few new things, I just figured it would be easier. Except that I bought a ton of stuff from about 5 or 6 different places, which may have been about as much of a pain as it would have been to shop in the first place... I had to return things in person--it was just a mess.

Anyway, Amelia is getting so big! She is 9 months old now and is crawling (still pretty much army style, but with the occasional hands and knees crawl) and standing on everything. She isn't super exploratory yet, which is great for mom and dad, but man she likes to put everything in her mouth! Still no teeth, but we are anxiously anticipating that they will arrive... someday... It's kind of become a joke now. We ask, "Is she teething? Is she teeting?" but nope, not yet.

I am also doing pretty well. We traveled to Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, which was both nice and stressful. It can be pretty hard on me to travel right now. I may think about taking a long term medication to help manage my anxiety. The sleep thing is pretty much getting figured out. I've tapered down really well and I'm still taking the medication, but not much and I think I'm getting to sleep pretty well on my own these days! Exciting! Of course, that just shows me what kinds of anxiety is left to clear up and I do see that I have some anxiety that limits me from being able to enjoy my life, thus the discussion about meds.

On the up side, my brother is getting married in March and, even though I haven't met her, my future sister-in law seems very nice! And, I get to be in the wedding. That will make me a bridesmaid 3 times and I've still been a bride, so ha! Anyway, that's what's up with us. We got a holiday card made on Shutterfly and are sending it out. Although we only ordered 75 and I think we have something like 150 people on our list, so not everyone will be getting a card! Hopefully, they understand!

Holiday Card 2010

2010-11-19T08:51:00.001-08:00

Sparkling Scarlet Snowflakes Christmas

Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Normal? Sort of? And What You Didn't Know About PPD

2010-11-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.

It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.

Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.

And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.

When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.

But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.

Doing pretty good....

2010-10-25T15:49:00.001-07:00

Got past the move. Now onto life. Last week was pretty tough, but after a discussion with my psychiatrist, I learned that it can take up to 3 months to feel settled in a new place and to give myself a break if my anxiety isn't fully in check yet. I'm inclined to agree. Every weekend I learn a little more about the neighborhood and where things are.

Something really good did come out of last week's difficulties: I reached out to some local resources and was able to get hooked up with a PPD support group and a low-cost therapist who has a PPD specialty. I also got hooked up with a lady who's been through this before AND has come through it twice. She's really been an encouragement to me. And I'm learning to be positive and have a positive mindset. I'm reading a really good book that talks about Christians turning to God for everything and I'm really trying to let go and believe that God 1) will end this for me and 2) will make something good come out of it. And, I've been doing very well the last few days and I feel pretty well physically, which is good, too.

Saturday we went to the local farmer's market and I joined the nearby gym (thanks, Work, for the subsidy!). Saturday I ran around the lake. Sunday I worked out at the gym, since it rained. We went to our local Babies R Us and Trader Joes and even squeezed in some time to hang out with friends (Amelia went to her first pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving!). :-)

Our new place is proving to be pretty great. It looks tidy most of the time because the living room is a bit wider--even with all the baby stuff. That's a relief! And because of the mirrors in the bedroom and everything staying pretty well in the place it has, it looks neat all the time. I love that! Also, it might have something to do with the fact that I actually have time to tidy up when I get home from work. And get meals ready for the next day. What a luxury!

The picture is of the area our new apartment is near. We live to the right of the picture, right on the edge in the lower hills. As you can see, it's really pretty!

Post Partum Depression Resources

2010-10-21T10:44:00.001-07:00

In case anyone reading this is dealing with PPD and needs some help, I found a really great blog on it online called Postpartum Progress. It even led me to a local person who runs a PPD support group that I will probably join (hooray!) and has many links for local resources, if you are suffering from that at all.

After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.

The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.

I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.

At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!

Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.

On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?

Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)

I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)

2010-10-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.

I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.

As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.

See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...

Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!

Frustrating!!!

But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!

Ups and Downs

2010-10-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!

However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.

In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.

Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.

The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.

I just feel so lost right now.

My New Life!

2010-10-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

Praise Jesus, the hard part is over. My GOD! Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, I know, moving is generally hard and sucks. But this move in particular was a huge stressor for me. You all know why. I write and write about it to death. To sum up: anxiety issues, baby, crazy long work schedule, sleep problems, blah, blah, blah.

But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.

First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.

Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!

So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).

Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.

Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.

The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!

This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)

So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!

I have a mental illness

2010-09-28T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.

I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.

This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.

I need an ativan.

Amelia's first everything!

2010-09-27T13:49:00.000-07:00

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for our family. And the craziness is only half over. We have to move next. But that's another story... Amelia took her first plane ride 2 Wednesday's ago when we took her back to Indiana for a wedding. She ended up taking a total of 4 plane rides before the end of last week. She did mostly great except on one where she was up very late at night and did not want to go to sleep. She met her giant extended family there and got passed off to about a billion cousins and aunts and friends and random people and she did great! She met her cousin Wilson for the first time (see photo above). He's just 2 months younger than she is.

My parents and extended family also came up to meet/see Amelia. We did a dedication for her at the church where we got married and invited lots of family and friends to come. It ended up being more than 50 people that came to see her and us!

We got to see some new and interesting aspects of Amelia's personality that we didn't know and it helped to have our moms there to give some perspective. For one, she LOVES attention from people. Even from our first hour in the airport she would stare people down and smile at them, hoping to get their attention. I have no doubts that when she can talk she'll be saying, "hey! Hey you! Look at me! Look over here!" She smiled at everyone and just loved being the center of it all. She smiled for the camera pretty much every time and really hammed it up. Adorable. And, not surprisingly, my mom said that's how I was when I was a baby. Yep. Not surprised. Needs and loves attention. Shocking!

She also is sitting up pretty good now and is going to crawl any day now. She's regularly eating solid foods and really doing a great job with that. Unfortunately, she is still suffering from her first cold. The whole family got sick the last 2 days of vacation--we think from passing her around and kissing her over and over again--lots of people, lots of kissing. It's like she's a magnet for germs. Strangely, she didn't get sick until she caught it from me. She tried to put my nose in her mouth when it was runny and, yeah, gross, she got it the next day. Also not surprising. But sad because she has a cough and is all stuffed up. Poor baby! She's also having some issues with sleeping because of it too. Thankfully it isn't affecting me too terribly though.

The trip overall was pretty stressful for me. It pushed me to the limits of my anxiety. But, I didn't have trouble sleeping and that means I coped with it well an my coping skills are improving. I even slept on an air mattress in the same room as the baby! Good for me! Thanks also to my amazing husband who helped out when things were really hard for me and still is.

Hopefully once we get through Amelia's first move (this Sunday) we will be able to get back into a routine and I can again taper down my meds even more without issue. The road to recovery is slow, but there is hope! And I'm getting close!

More on Recovery

2010-09-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

Today I'm having a bad day and I need to get it out.

Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.

But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.

Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.

I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!

But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).

"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.

Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.

But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.

And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.

The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.

A letter to Amelia

2010-09-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Amelia,

Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.

We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.

Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.

Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.

Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!

Love,

Mom

What It's Like to Be a Mom

2010-09-02T15:58:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.

It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.

So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!

Perhaps I spoke too quickly

2010-08-30T08:30:00.001-07:00

Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.

Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.

Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.

I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.

The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.

Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.

I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!

2010-08-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.

Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!

Cloth Diaper Review: All the Cloth Diapers I've Tried vs. Disposable

2010-08-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

So... yeah, I thought I'd try to help out some new moms out there who are deciding whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers and, if cloth, what the heck to use... I feel like I've tried nearly everything by now and have some insight. My baby is currently 5.5 months old.

Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.

Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!

Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.

Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.

Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.

Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.

That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!

Getting so much better!

2010-08-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

So, I just wanted to give you all a quick update. Gotta get back to work.

But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.

I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!

So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!

So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!

This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!

Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!

Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is

2010-08-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.

I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.

Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!

Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.

We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.

I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.

The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.

Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!

Looking Behind No More

2010-08-05T13:01:00.004-07:00

It's so interesting to me that I have a new job. I can't believe it. I'm not talking about the job of being a mother. I'm talking about a new job for pay that I'm currently working at right now.

It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!

I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.

But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.

I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.

You know you're a mom when...

2010-08-05T13:01:00.003-07:00

...You get really excited about purchasing and getting new cloth diapers in the mail and you can't wait to do the laundry so you can use them!

Adorable Amelia!

2010-08-04T12:59:00.000-07:00

She did the cutest thing ever last night. After I fed her, she blew raspberries at me, so I blew some back and she giggled. That made me laugh which started an escalation of laughter from her and me at the same time. Every time I laughed, she laughed and it was the most amazing thing ever! I loved every second of it and it's been causing me to smile all day long.

What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!

Update on me

2010-07-21T07:52:00.001-07:00

Well, my baby is getting so big these days. She's already 4.5 months old! I return to work very soon on July 28th to a new job! Yay me! As you can tell lots has been happening. I'm discharging from the PPD group today and start work a week from today, so a lot of time and preparation has gone into both. I quit my old job on Monday next week.

So going from old to new and opening a new chapter in my life. At least that's what it feels like. Still need to work out the meds and life still has it's ups and downs, but at least I'm sleeping with the help of some very strong benzos (hoping to replace them eventually with some kind of SSRI). So that's all good, but confusing. At any rate, thought I'd update you. Much has happened and I really haven't had any extra time to write on here. I might have some time now that I'm about to start work, although, I think it's going to be pretty demanding, so you might not get too frequent of updates. Amelia's doing great though!

Nothing more wonderful than a baby...

2010-06-06T16:38:00.000-07:00

So I know I've had my struggles, but I wanted to try to put into words the amazing positive feelings I have about having a baby.

There really is nothing more wonderful than having your baby's tiny hand wrap itself around your finger. You feel loved, warm, secure, and so excited all at the same time.

The closest thing I could describe it as would be when you are 15 years old and you get so excited that the boy you like likes you back and takes you to the movies and you hold hands in the theater. The baby feeling is not romantic or fireworkey, but it feels exciting, calming, peaceful, secure, and loved all at the same time, kind of like how it felt to innocently hold the hand of the guy you like.

The warm, sweet feeling of a baby looking at you and clearly having eyes only for you--there's nothing like it. And that feeling of being loved and accepted by the cutest boy in school is almost the same feeling, but in a different way. I don't know if that makes me sound weird, but it's the closest way I can describe it.

It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to hold your baby, know that you made her with your body and that she loves you more than anything or anyone. You are all she knows. She loves being close to you and around you and you soak it up. At least, I do. When I'm not wishing she'd just take a nap already... But seriously, it's so amazing and I never knew how wonderful. I feel like all I ever heard was the negative, but it really is truly wonderful to have and hold a baby. It makes me sad that so many people are afraid of that opportunity. And makes me even sadder that people who have the opportunity end it because they don't think they can handle it. It truly is the most wonderful thing. I wish everyone could experience it.

Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...

2010-05-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.

I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.

Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.

Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!

Self-doubt!

2010-05-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

So, the sleeping is starting to get better. I am sleeping every night now, either with the help of drugs or (in the case of one night), on my own! I'm working on relaxation techniques and other things to try to help me sleep each night naturally without drugs. After a period of time if I don't feel like I'm sleeping, I take something. Lately, I've been taking Benadryl and occasionally taking the Xanax, but I think that the Xanax actually ends up making me feel MORE anxious after I take it, so I've decided to avoid taking it if at all possible from now on.

Amelia is doing pretty well on our trip, but it's occurring to me that I feel some anxiety about being a parent. I wasn't aware how much I would worry about how she is doing. She is the happiest baby ever, so I constantly wonder, is she eating enough? Is she hungry? Tired? Am I stressing her out? I wonder because she isn't crying, which I guess means everything is just fine. But, this vacation is making me constantly wonder if I'm doing things "right." I worry about my baby and am constantly filled with self-doubt! Then, it hit me the other day: Parenting isn't an exact science, you just have to do the best you can. Huh. I guess that means I have to get over myself. But at the same time, being totally responsible for a tiny, helpless human being puts a great weight of responsibility on your shoulders and I feel a lot like I'm unprepared to care for someone so much. I feel like this is maybe a big reason I have trouble sleeping. Even though I don't think I'm that anxious, I often do struggle with concerns related to new motherhood and as a result the stress and tension I feel in my body makes it hard for me to relax. It's good to have knowledge of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling and hopefully I'll be able to go home to a good new mother group that will help me deal with these new mother anxieties.

Found drugs, but what about Milk?

2010-04-30T21:13:00.001-07:00

So, I've been working with the doctor to find all kinds of fun drugs that will help me out--Xanax, Ambien, Benadryl. They sorta work, but they are working for 5 maybe 6 hours at a time. And I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to work a bit to get back to sleep. Then I get up, feed Amelia and can't go back to sleep. I guess I am grateful for that much sleep and I feel like I'm starting to get used to it, so I suppose that's okay. I do eventually get better at dealing with sleep deprivation, I remember. Although, it's been years since I've lived that way and each time it was only temporary.

I'm a bit terrified by the horror stories of people I know. One person I know says she is 15 months post-partum and still dealing with insomnia. Is this the way it is? How am I supposed to enjoy the early years of my baby and deal with this?! An argument for adoption or surrogacy if I ever heard one. A friend of mine reminded me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My body is torturing me! How is this fair? I'm beginning to live in fear of never being able to sleep without help again. I've been too scared to try for a week now...

In the meantime, I *think* my milk supply is okay, but I'm starting to wonder because Amelia is nursing sloooooowly. She's awake way more during the day these days and naps maybe 3-4 times a day, but when she nurses, she practically passes out. And, my boob feels really flat. I asked the dr. how you know when you are out of milk and she said when it feels flat, but it feels flat all the time. I can't tell a difference.

My doula told me that at 2 months, your body starts to produce milk on demand rather than by hormones, so possibly this is what;s happening. When I pumped the last couple days, I didn't get as much out as usual and I'm starting to get a bit concerned that maybe all these sleeping drugs, or possibly my sleep deprivation or both, are interfering with my supply. We are about to leave on a 3 week road trip around the Pacific Northwest and I am bringing my pump, but how will I really know if I need to pump to get my supply up? I don't really have any way of weighing Amelia... maybe I can find a place...

Anyway, the sleep is getting better, and hopefully will continue to improve. Pray for me if you would and I'll let you know if and when it changes. I feel so betrayed by my body!

The Mother Experience

2010-04-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

While I did finally get some sleep each night since my last post, some days it hasn't been much and my post-partum insomnia continues to haunt me. I've started taking Benadryl nightly as well as sleeping in a separate bedroom. That is, until I decided it was time to put Amelia in her own room. So we moved everything around and then I had trouble sleeping again last night. For some reason the idea of sleeping in my own bed bothers me. Maybe it's because I continue to anticipate that my husband will somehow wake me up, either by getting into bed later or shifting in his sleep, or who knows? I left my bedroom and slept on the futon last night, which had previously been in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping, but which is now Amelia's room. And I finally got to sleep hours later. This, after I'd taken 2 Benadryl. In the end I got about 5 hours sleep in total after getting up to feed her and going back to bed, and getting up to feed her, and going back to bed.

It's clear that all this sleep deprivation is still affecting me negatively. Today I started to feel symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety I've already been clearly feeling--about the baby, about my sleeping--about everything, it seems. Despite my efforts, I'm still struggling, so I talked to the Dr. today and she prescribed me Xanax. I've read it's not good to take while breastfeeding. According to her, though, this is totally fine to take for a short period of time while breastfeeding. I will take it, see how it goes, and if I end up taking it frequently, we will explore my taking a longer-term medication.

Part of this, I felt, might be related to the fact that I haven't been able to have a true "mother experience" in my definition of the word. My husband is unemployed and home all the time, which is fantastic for me. I can just jet out on an errand and he'll be home to watch her. I can work out during the day on my own and get regular breaks. But in a way this makes me feel a bit guilty, too. All my new-mother friends are struggling on their own while their husbands are away at work and I have barely spent more than a few hours at a time caring for my baby alone. I feel a bit left out, even though I know I am actually very blessed. So, today I had Aaron leave the house so I could take some time caring for my baby on my own. And I did. And she got her shots today for her 2 month appointment. That feels like maybe it was a mistake because she was super fussy.

Anyway, hopefully the Xanax will help me and I will be able to relax and sleep fine from now on.

Wicked Insomnia

2010-04-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.

Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.

But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!

Amelia Smiles!

2010-04-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

So we finally got Amelia to smile at us! And we got it a little later on video. This is a bit long (2 minutes) and she smiles at the very end. Also, I was talking the entire time and my voice is LOUD on this video, so you should definitely turn your volume down or off.

Buy the My Brest Friend and an update on me

2010-04-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

So, I just have to recommend one more baby product (actually a post-partum product). If you are breastfeeding, you MUST get the My Brest Friend pillow. Please, PLEASE don't waste your time with Boppy's or other pillows. The My Brest Friend, is now my best friend. Now, my posture is better, I'm not man-handling my baby while feeding her and we are both so much happier. Now I only need one pillow instead of the 3 or 4 or I was using to compensate for the stupid Boppy. Argh.

Also, I was reading through my post last week about how I'm feeling and I thought I would update you on my aches and pains. What a difference a week makes!

I'm doing way better in so many ways. For one, I'm not getting night sweats any more (hallelujah!). For another, my Aunt Flow is on her way out! Hooray. And, Aaron feeding Amelia in the middle of the night has provided me so much uninterrupted sleep (7+ hours a night!) that I've been able to do some kind of "workout" during the day every day this week--walking several miles (not quite up to the 3.5 yet), some simple weight workouts, the Wii Fit, etc. Plus, I've been able to get up and do things during the day quite a bit! Amazing! Actually, Amelia slept 7 straight hours last night, which we aren't supposed to let her do, but she always woke up before to eat, so we were surprised she didn't last night.

I haven't had a migraine in about a week and I've only taken medication to prevent one twice. I was finally able to go shopping to buy clothes to fit my new body and now I actually look nice in regular clothes (because I now have some that fit) and I have a whole new body image. When I was pregnant I learned a valuable lesson: if I just eat when I'm hungry and try to be healthy, my body will stabilize itself. This is what I did during pregnancy and I gained exactly the right amount of weight--not more. So, I'm using this valuable lesson now to guide me to the weight I should be at now.

*Holding up my right hand* I pledge to love my body at the size it's at and because it gave me my beautiful daughter. Size means nothing, and properly fitting clothes will help me feel good about myself no matter the size. I pledge to eat what I want and to make healthy, nourishing choices. I will not hate my body or my size or myself and I will not diet. I will trust that my body will tell me what I need and I will act accordingly and not second-guess it. Amen.

Reflection on One Month with a Baby...

2010-04-01T19:11:00.000-07:00

So, Amelia is 1 month old today! My my, how time flies. Except, in this case, it doesn't feel like it's been longer or shorter--it feels exactly right.

In thinking about all I've been through in this month, I thought I'd share some of my reflections on it with you. As you can imagine being a new parent is a bit of an adjustment, but not in the ways I expected.

Having a baby is pretty much what I thought it would be. You feed her, change her, put her to bed, try to figure out why she is crying, etc. I've never NOT heard a new parent say, "It is so hard. You have no idea how hard" and I'm trying hard not to say it. Really, it is pretty straightforward and fairly simple. The hard part comes from all the other things: trying to keep the house clean or assume some semblance of your regular life. Again, that isn't totally because of the baby. It is related--getting used to the new schedule, the weird sleeping hours--all of those make a difference. But the biggest thing that makes it tough? The recovery process. All those hormones still raging, the challenge of breastfeeding and the drain of your milk coming in and out, and recovering from labor--difficulty walking, fatigue, etc.

The first week was easier than subsequent weeks, but that is because it's all so new and exciting--we had lots of visitors, I was so thrilled about my new baby, my milk hadn't come in yet, and I had a lot of people I could draw on for help if I needed it. Not to mention how amazing my husband has been through all of this. But the sleep deprivation hadn't started yet or fully hit. 2 or 3 days of sleep deprivation is a lot less draining than 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 months. The hardest part about the first week was how scary everything felt. I didn't want to leave the hospital where people came by to check on me and see how I felt and could be at my beck and call to help with the baby any time I needed it. When we got home I sort of thought, What next? Sure I knew sort of what to do, but I wasn't totally sure how it would go or if I could handle it and I was basically in survival mode until my mom came, when I finally felt like I could relax.

And thank God she was here, because the next few weeks were a bit harder than I thought. Sure at 5 days and 1.5 weeks I took Amelia out for walks and errands and at 2 weeks went on a long walk and so on but for a lot of that time everything about how to take care of her was trial and error. I could hardly move off the couch most of the days and I didn't want to go anywhere. I had a few mental breakdowns. And, for most people who know me, you KNOW I am not the kind of person who wants to sit around the house and do nothing. But for the 2nd and 3rd week, I was basically exhausted. Kind of like being home sick from work. If it hadn't been for my mom, nothing in my house would have been clean (including clothes) and I would not have gotten proper nutrition. Decent, but not great. She made amazing meals for us. As did many of our friends who helped us all out during those weeks.

During the last week my mom was here I was able to start doing things again. I did laundry one day, was able to run an errand or two alone and with Amelia without too much trouble, and I learned that migraines were what was making me feel so bad the last few weeks. Amelia started sleeping better and so did I. And we finally have a rhythm down.

Now, we are on it. We have a routine and a rhythm and my husband is AMAZING. I could never have done it the first week without him, nor the subsequent weeks. And now, he is my partner. Without him I wouldn't be able to manage sewing some days, running errands, taking walks, and getting in some me time. Plus he is fantastic with the housework and feeds Amelia for me in the middle of the night. How lucky am I?

Thank God for how great it has been this month and for all the friends and family that have been so generous in helping me!

My favorite baby and post-partum products

2010-03-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hey, all, so I thought I'd share with you my favorite baby and post-partum products so far. I'm so glad we have these things and I highly recommend them!

1. Giant, square receiving blanket - we like the Ultimate Swaddle Blanket. Most receiving blankets we have are nice, but not big enough for a proper swaddle. Be sure you have swaddling down to use this blanket properly. We like the swaddle by Dr. Karp, in the Happiest Baby on the Block (video and book)
2. Baby swaddler. Even if you can swaddle like a pro (and especially if you can't), this makes it SOOOOO much easier and faster. Amelia broke out of our other swaddles fast, but this thing is like a baby straight jacket. We bought 3.
3. Boppy Noggin Nest Head Support. You put your baby on her back to sleep, but then you have to remember to position her head (if she'll even cooperate). This eliminates that need to do that and position her head because it prevents a flat head. Her head lies cushily in the hole and she's all good!
4. Ergo Baby Carrier. Okay, we don't have this one yet, but I have completely lost faith in baby slings after seeing this news report and trying to put my newborn in one. It practically cut off her ability to breath, was difficult to get her in it and seemed very unsafe in general. So, we got out the baby bjorn. This was cool, however, in doing research comparing the Baby Bjorn with the Ergo, the Ergo is far better for lots of reasons: it's more ergonomic, has pouches to carry things in, can work until your child is well past the age you should be carrying them (and replaces those giant frame backpack carrier things), and you can use it to nurse in. Plus the Baby Bjorn isn't as ergonomic for you or baby and I read that it can harm baby spinal development. For all these reasons I think Ergo is the best choice. Just ordered one. Can't wait to see how it performs.
5. Soothie Pacifiers. Apparently babies LOVE (and I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE) to suck. Amelia was no exception and we used our finger until it became impractical. We switched to a pacifier after 2 weeks (and breastfeeding was well-established) and she could barely figure out how to use it. The reason we like this over the other kinds, is the lactation consultant told us that normal pacifiers (and NUK baby bottle nipples) teach babies how to bite down on things, so we tried this. Amelia loves it and there has been no biting thus far. The nipple is just like a bottle nipple, so it's not different than what she's used to.
6. Baby hats - get someone to knit some for you, because the knit ones are the BEST and cutest! I can post some patterns if anyone is interested.
7. Our Bumbleride stroller - amazing and works for newborns!
8. Changing pad and portable changing pads - we use these CONSTANTLY
9. Diaper covers and wool soakers - great if you can knit them yourself or even if you use the store bought kind. Couldn't do cloth diapers without them.
10. Any baby outfit that snaps down the legs and front AND includes feet and hand covers. Sure, onesies are great, but our baby often seems cold in them unless it's dead hot, which is hardly ever and I'm constantly trying to find something to cover her legs. These outfits are amazing. She hardly keeps the mittens and socks on, also, so anything that covers her hands and feet are great.

Other things I'm glad I have/made:
1. Waterproof mattress cover. Um, yeah, my mattress doesn't have plastic on it (I'm using an arm's reach co-sleeper) and we would be so screwed without this. It was so easy to make. SO easy. Made it of PUL.
2. Reusable wipes - we wet them with water before wiping her butt--a much better alternative for the environment and better for sensitive skin on baby butts. I will say that it's kind of a pain to keep them where you can wash them easily and to wash them and we seem to run out fast, so I'd make at least 50 if you were going to do it. I made wipe-sized squares out of an old receiving blanket and zig-zagged the edges with my machine.
3. Medela Advanced pump in style breast pump - GREAT pump. So far, it's been a huge help. I'll be pumping when I go back to work, so I'll have to let you know how that goes. Before this I used a manual pump, the Medela Harmony and it was also REALLY great--I highly recommend that one too.
4. Baby monitor - invaluable because we always have her nap in her crib. We tried having her nap in the living room, but that was hard on both of us - it overstimulated her and kept us constantly looking over to make sure she was okay. In the bedroom we know she's safe and contained and she gets used to sleeping in her own crib.

Post partum products:
1. Reusable nursing pads. You can buy these anywhere or make them yourself out of flannel or old receiving blankets (I made about 6 pairs out of both). They are AMAZING. They feel MUCH nicer than the disposable kinds and are easy to wear and reuse. Trust me, you will need these, at the very least for night time. It can be a very leaky time of day...
2. Nursing tanks. Seriously a life saver for the first few weeks and maybe beyond. I bought some nice nursing bras, but right now, while I fit into almost nothing, I wear the tanks daily with my comfy sweatpants or yoga pants or whatever. They might work when I go back to work, but I don't know. Right now they are great for feeding her every 3 hours during the day and night and surprisingly offer good support. Target sells them for a VERY reasonable price here. I prefer the side sling over the full sling or the lift up kind here. The full sling just looks and feels weird. If you want to spend more $$, you can get ones by Bravado and they are around $45, which I feel is too much. Sure they are nice, but Target's are basically the same thing for 1/3 the price.

How am I feeling?

2010-03-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

So, I've got a lot of people asking me how I'm feeling and, in general, I feel pretty darn good. However, I think for once I'll share the nitty gritty details on how I'm REALLY feeling in the not-so-good moments. Keep in mind that overall I'm great, but these are the downsides...

So, the realities of my life these days has been that I'm in bed for 12 hours a day. I go to bed early, usually exhausted beyond belief and wake up a few hours later to feed Amelia. Then, the rest of the night is an up and down struggle between trying to sleep and feeding and changing her. Aaron typically will give her a bottle for one of the night feedings and I can get some sleep and I *think* we have finally worked out an arrangement where I get a straight 6-7 hours sleep and then a few extra hours later, so hopefully that continues and reduces my exhaustion.

When my milk first came in the first week is when I started having migraines. I was shocked to find out that breastfeeding literally, at first, sucked the life out of me. Or, so I thought. After a week or so of suffering horrible on and off headaches that I attributed to everything from extreme thirst and hunger to fatigue to bad breastfeeding posture, I saw a doctor who told me they were migraines and now I can appropriately treat them before they get really bad. That is such a relief. Sometimes when I overdo it, I still get them, but a lot less frequently than I did.

Other not-so-nice things that have been happening are INSANE night sweats. If you couldn't tell by the emphasis on the word insane in the last sentance, they are by far the worst I have ever had. I wake up literally drenched--like I took a bath in my bed. I wake up with my clothes and sheets soaked and cold. I tried changing once in the middle of the night, but the sheets were still soaked, soaking my dry clothes. So, now I say screw it and just pull the warm comforter over my head to keep warm.

I also hate that I can't really work out yet. I tried walking 3 miles the other day and one of those awful migraines came back, so I can assume I'm not ready to do that yet. I feel so fat. I've barely lost anything and I am eating super healthy and breastfeeding! I thought that would do it!

I can't fit into anything but sweatpants and I still look at least 4 months pregnant plus all the weight I gained everywhere else. Other things that aren't so fun include painful and leaky boobs and the fact that I'm still not done with my after-birth Aunt Flow as it were... getting closer, but still not there.

Still, I can't complain. My baby sleeps great and hardly ever cries. I have enough energy in the mornings to get stuff done and every day I'm making progress--but much slower than I ever expected! Who knew that after baby would be harder than 9 months pregnant. I just figured I'd go back to how I was, but with weight to lose. Turns out that's not quite right. I hope I get back to normal soon. It's relieving to see the progress I've made in the last 4 weeks, so that's keeping me encouraged.

No longer in the pregnancy club :-(

2010-03-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's so weird for me to not be pregnant anymore. Nine whole months of inspecting the bellies of pregnant women and noticing every pregnant woman in sight. Then, one day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't any more and now I'm no longer in the club. It's not like when I was pregnant I spent a lot of time talking to other pregnant women, it's just that people noticed more and gave me seats or were more considerate of me and other pregnant women took notice and we had a common bond. I wasn't just some regular non-pregnant woman. I knew what they were going through. I could give them a sympathetic nod that said, "I feel your pain" and my belly would say all the rest. Now, I see hugely pregnant women that could easily have had the same due date as me and not yet given birth. And, I'm no longer one of them.

I met someone like that last week. She was actually due the day before me and hadn't yet had her baby and I was sitting on the couch with my baby who was already more than a week old. What a weird feeling!

I guess I just need to join the baby club. Now I notice mothers and their babies way more than I did before, so I guess that I now need to embrace that club.

Newborns are funny!

2010-03-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

My poor baby. She can't yet control her arms and they literally flail around and upset her. It's so sad and funny to watch at the same time. She'll be all peaceful and ready to sleep and all of a sudden her hand will fly up and hit her in the face. Then her other hand. Then they'll start flailing about wildly and she will start crying. It's like she's saying, "What are these horrible things that keep bothering me? Why won't they go away?" She will be so happy when she gains muscle control over them!

A funny story from this week about her hands: We were dressing her up after her doctor's appointment and she reached behind her head and grabbed a fistful of hair. She immediately started screaming in pain, yet couldn't and wouldn't let go. She didn't know it was her own hand and it took two of us to pry her hand away from her hair. She was so upset by it! Poor thing! Yet so funny. Thank goodness for swaddling. It's giving us and her better sleep since it keeps her hands from escaping.

A few fairly boring videos of Amelia

2010-03-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

Aaron's parents requested videos so I'm posting video of Amelia doing pretty much nothing. But you may enjoy them anyway!

Taking Care of a Baby is Easy! And a Word on Sleep Deprivation

2010-03-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, so before I had a baby I thought, "How hard can it be?" All you do is change them, feed them, burp them, and let them sleep. If they are crying it can only be one of these 4 things unless it is something serious. Of course, if your baby is crying and you don't know why and they won't settle down, yes that's hard. But fortunately the Happiest Baby on the Block book has made huge strides in my opinion of helping me calm her down when this happens.

But okay, I'm sure it will get harder, but so far, so good. However, I do have a word on sleep deprivation.

Before baby, again I was like, "Every 3 hours. That's not too bad. I can handle that. I was up every hour to pee when pregnant anyway." Except, it's not every three hours. Actual sleeping time is more like 1.5, because every time she gets up you're up for about an hour and then you are awake and have to try to fall asleep again, which can take a little while.

To get an idea of what it is like if you do not have children, here's how I would describe it. Take an alarm clock and turn the ringer up to as loud as it can possibly go. Then, have a friend hide it REALLY good--so good it would take you 15-30 minutes to find it. Have the friend set the alarm for 3 hours from now. Then try to sleep. When the alarm goes off, try to find it. If it takes you about 15 minutes to find it, good for you. You now know where it is. Now you have to take care of it again. Call your friend back up and have them set the alarm clock for 3 hours from now and hide the alarm clock again. Be sure you stay awake until after the alarm clock is hidden, which preferably took your friend 30 minutes to do. Maybe try taking a walk. Then, try to sleep again and do it all over again. This is what it is like having the baby cry every 3 hours. You have to figure out why, take care of it, then somehow get to sleep again. You'd be tired and taking naps too!

Birth Story!

2010-03-03T09:48:00.001-08:00

So here is the abridged version of Amelia's birth. If you want to know more of the gory details, you'll have to talk to me directly. I wrote down a long version for anyone interested who lives too far away for me to tell you in person!

On Sunday, February 28 for most of the day I started feeling what I thought were gas pains. The gas pains were coming fairly regularly (like once an hour or half hour) and I just figured it was normal gas pains that I usually have and they were coming fairly frequently because I was just that constipated.

So I ate dinner and went to bed, feeling pretty uncomfortable, but chiding myself for not eating enough fiber (haha… funny to think back on this now). I tried to go to bed early because I had not gotten much sleep the last 2 nights.

Around 1 or 2 in the morning I woke up feeling really bad and kept getting up to pee (because the “constipation pain” was worse when I had to pee) and to try to go to the bathroom to relieve the constipation. After I was able to go to the bathroom and STILL felt the pain, I thought for sure something was wrong, but I still thought it was constipation. I went back to bed and started crying. This was around 4:30 am. Aaron asked what was wrong. I told him. Then I started to realize that I was having the pain regularly and in waves. It was coming every 2 minutes or so. I thought maybe we should call the midwives or our doula, Sahana, but I thought it would be too embarrassing to call if it was just constipation pain.

Then I started to think, “Maybe these are Braxton-Hicks contractions?” I hadn’t had any before so I had no idea what they were. I got online to see what contractions were supposed to feel like, how frequently they were supposed to occur—all that stuff. I read something about contractions feeling like gas pains at first and that being pretty normal. So Aaron started timing them and the time between them and they were about 45 seconds long and every 2 minutes. They weren’t extremely strong at first so I tried to get some food down and do some housework, but by the time I got to the food I couldn’t stomach anything. I drank a little orange juice and tried to drink some coffee for strength (since I hadn’t eaten anything since the night before), but I just could not get it down. I tried to do some housework, which lasted about 30 minutes to an hour and then I couldn’t do much more. I still wasn’t sure if they were contractions because I never felt my uterus hardening like I was told I would during a contraction. Turns out it was, I just couldn't tell.

Around 7 am I went to the bathroom and saw a bit of blood. That was when I knew I was definitely in labor. We promptly called our parents and let them know and I focused on deep breathing and relaxing during contractions. We updated our doula, Sahana, and said she should come over. Aaron tried to help me relax and did some techniques to help me stay calm during contractions.

I threw up multiple times and couldn’t keep anything down that I tried to eat anyway. By the time Sahana arrived at 9am I was pretty much in the throes of labor. I was starting to be unable to tell Aaron what I needed. I couldn’t really walk or change positions without difficulty and pain. Sahana helped me get into positions where my labor could progress, despite the discomfort. She told Aaron when she thought my water would break and it did about 5 minutes later around 10:15. After that we decided to go to the hospital. We got there around 10:30 or 11.

They checked my dialation and I was only 4 cm dilated. I was not happy about that. Over the course of the next hour or so they got me into the tub. I couldn’t get comfortable in the tub at all.I tried a few positions and then decided I could NOT do it any more. I couldn't relax between contractions, I was terribly nauseous and just felt like I could not handle it on my own any more. I no longer wanted to go through it or even try. I asked for drugs. They asked me to wait an hour. I said I would. Then, 15 minutes later I asked again for a narcotic again to take the edge off. The midwife agreed it might help me relax between contractions. They gave me an IV and the drug and I felt better for a little bit. Contractions still hurt, but I could relax. Turns out it was a good thing because I went from 5cm dilated to 9 in only 30 minutes!

The last cm went by quickly and it was time to push. This was my least favorite part. I expected to feel like pushing—that with every contraction pushing would bring relief. Instead it was kind of the opposite. With every contraction I did not feel like pushing at all and I didn’t want to push, but the pain of not pushing was almost equally as bad as the pain of pushing. It took awhile to get the hang of it. I tried and tried many positions--on the toilet, on my back in the bed. Finally, another midwife came in and said the fastest way to get the baby out was squatting. Sounded terrible, but I gave it a try and it helped get the baby down far. I could see the head between my legs and after that I just kept pushing and pushing and I don't remember much, except I apparently got on all fours to deliver the baby. I don't remember her coming out--only that when the head was out it hurt like heck and I didn't want to push and make it worse, but I wanted the baby OUT! haha...

When she was out, they handed her too me and I was very confused. I had no idea what to do, how to hold her anything. I was still halfway on the ground. So they helped me into bed and I held the screaming baby and I was so, SO relieved it was over! I never want to do that again! But chances are I will... I didn't feel as emotional at that moment as I thought I would. I was just so dazed and tired. But it was wonderful to see and hold my baby. It was a beautiful moment. I'm glad my emotions didn't overwhelm me, because I couldn't have taken much more at that second!

Aaron cut the cord and they checked her and we tried breast feeding and she did pretty well! As for the gory details, I did have 2nd degree tears, but only barely, and frankly, the recovery really is NOT bad at all. No complaints, praise Jesus!

Now, I have a gorgeous little daughter and I don't have to go through labor again for a long time or maybe never again! haha... I will say that I think an epidural would have been overkill. Only if I took it in the beginning would it have been worth it, but in my case the narcotic was good to help me out and get me to the point of getting done.

So I'm glad I did it. However, I will never begrudge anyone for their birth of choosing--I will strongly consider drugs or a C-section in the future. Although, by then I will probably have forgotten the trauma of giving birth and try it naturally again. haha...

Welcome to the world, Amelia Jeane Judith Kirk!

2010-03-03T09:43:00.001-08:00

Yes, I had her 3 days early, much to my surprise! She was born on March 1, 2010 at 1:40 pm after about 5 hours of labor and an hour of pushing. She was 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 3/4 inches long.

Here are some pictures. I will be posting the birth story shortly.

I Guess I'm Ready...

2010-02-27T11:20:00.001-08:00

So, while I'm not in a big hurry to pop out the baby, I guess I'd say I'm finally ready to meet her. I think I'm finally ready to start taking care of her and all that. I'm already a bit sleep deprived so that doesn't worry me too much... I'm up 5 times a night to go to the bathroom and if the baby sleeps 2-3 hour stretches at once that has me up only 3 times in 8 hours, so, I should actually sleep more when she comes... I'm told that's not the case, but we'll see.

I'm still enjoying my freedom and while it's getting harder to get comfortable in just about every position, I'm hungry like no one's business! I have a VORACIOUS appetite. I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat ungodly amounts of food. I will definitely miss the ability to eat like a teenager.

On the other hand, I will be so glad when I can move from laying on my one side to laying on the other without swinging a giant 7.5-8 pounds of baby and another 2 lbs of amniotic fluid from side to side, testing the limits of my ligaments every time I try to get comfortable in bed. And I will definitely not miss being able to go to the bathroom every 3 hours instead of every 45 minutes. Or, is that even how often normal people pee? I can't remember...

Either way, the end is getting tough, but not too terrible. I get tired so fast these days too, it's a bit of a challenge not to get everything done. On the other hand, I've never had such a great excuse to be so lazy and sit on the couch every day and I'm REALLY enjoying that. Just not so much enjoying that after a day of errands my feet and ankles and shins and knees hurt what feels like beyond repair.

I still love feeling baby, but I think now that she's so big I'll like it just as much or more to actually see her and touch her from the outside rather than through my big belly. :-)

Week 38: Nearly there!

2010-02-27T11:19:00.001-08:00

Wow... week 38. I never thought I'd get this far. At least, I couldn't imagine it. I suppose I knew it would come eventually since I've maintained since the beginning that baby will be coming late.

My husband has now been off of work and we have done a few baby things. We took a diapering class over the weekend to learn how to use cloth diapers that we'll be getting through a diaper service. We also toured the hospital where I'll be giving birth. It's pretty nice, actually, and answered a lot of my questions in a very timely way. I can now update my birth plan and make sure my hospital bag has everything in it I need.

On Monday we shopped for baby jogging strollers and learned quite a bit. We found an amazing store in San Bruno, CA called Lullaby Lane. Unfortunately for them we won't be able to spend all our money there because we got about $600 in Babies R Us gift certificates, so we will be buying our stuff there, but I want to go back and spend what I can there, because they deserve it! It's a great small business with lots of items actually out so you can play with them, see how they work--all that good stuff. They have the same stuff as Babies R Us, but you can actually try it. The staff really know their stuff, so we were able to ask a lot of questions and get a lot of answers. I'm not affiliated with the store at all, but I just thought it was so great that it was worth mentioning if anyone lives in the area and is looking for this kind of store. I think I know what stroller to get now. YAY! Who knew they could be so much fun?!

As for baby stuff, at my appointment this week they say baby is measuring fine for her size, has a good heartbeat, and is doing great. Of course, she's getting a little cramped in there (as evidenced by the fact that she now presses on my ribs semi-regularly with her feet), but she's healthy and strong and I love it! I'm starting to feel tired. Aaron and I went on a 2 mile hike that was not very strenuous and mostly flat and it about wore me out yesterday. For the rest of the day I was waddling slowly and my hips and back kind of hurt. I feel like an old woman! And, I'm starting to have to pee about every 45 minutes or so. Not so fun, but at least I'm sleeping a little more these days, which is good! I'm trying to rest up while I can.

This week I'm planning to finish up a few more sewn items, run a few errands with my husband, and start preparing meals to freeze ahead for the future. We'll see how far I get!

Week 37: So much is happening!

2010-02-27T11:18:00.000-08:00

This week has been very eventful to say the least!

My maternity started this week (YAY!) I'm finally free! I've been trying so hard to accomplish so many things on my list, but I seem to be falling a bit behind. I've been very tired this week--I think it's because I'm used to being sedentary and now I've been up and about every day all day--running errands, doing things around the house, and working out. I'm trying to cut back on my activity level a little bit, but it's tough for me because I like to squeeze as many things into a day as I possibly can and it's hard for me to acknowledge I need to slow down.

I finished most of the stuff for the baby's arrival--I set up the cosleeper, washed and organized all the baby blankets, wraps, clothes and more, including making my own closet extender--the kind of thing where an extra rod hangs below the main closet rod for you to hang more clothes on. I went to the hardware store and bought a rod about the same size, drilled holes in it, and hung the rod with string from the main rod. Then I organized the clothes by size and put little size reminders before and after each of the sizes, so I wouldn't get them mixed up in the future. It looks so cute! I also made 3 sheets for the cosleeper and I'm currently trying to finish some changing pad covers.

I returned a number of items to Babies R Us and got my hospital bag ready, but most of my time has been spent, it seems, in trying to tie up loose ends in my husband's job. His last day is Friday (the 19th) and we needed to spend all the money in our Flex spending account (we've paid a great deal into it already because we put a lot in to begin with due to the baby) and work out last-minute financial details. So I managed all of that. How stressful!

Next week Aaron will be home all week and I'm not looking forward to sharing my space every day all day. I like it better when I can get things done on my own. So, part of my rush to complete things this week was to get things done that are easier to accomplish with him gone. That way I can focus on the positives of having him home next week. It will be nice to have someone to do some things around the house for me. I just hope it doesn't make me lazy!

Otherwise, most everything is done and ready for baby! We take a diapering class this weekend and get our first delivery of cloth diapers next week. She's been kicking and poking me a lot, so I think she's starting to feel ready to come out. I still think it will be awhile though. I haven't experienced one contraction or anything that made me think she'd be coming out any time soon. The doctor says she is measuring back to average for her week, but they still think she'll be over 8 lbs for sure if we make it to 40 weeks!

A number of friends and family members who were pregnant and due around right now have all had their babies, so it looks like I'm next. Aaron is very excited and says he can't wait for the little baby. I, on the other hand, am starting to feel a bit apprehensive about how much my life is going to change. I'm enjoying my free time off so much and feeling stressed trying to manage getting things ready and his job loss that I am starting to wonder if I can handle a baby, too... But I am getting excited to meet her, so that's good. Lots of mixed emotions these days!

All the stuff I've made for baby

2010-02-21T10:53:00.001-08:00

Ahhh... maternity leave. So nice to be off of work. On the plus side, I've had lots of time to get stuff done. I washed and hung all the baby clothes, organized the room, packed the hospital bag, and sewed and knitted and finished a LOT of stuff. Here's what I sewed, knitted and otherwise finished this week.

Sewed:

3 fitted baby sheets for our co-sleeper - used this tutorial to help me.
1 waterproof mattress cover using the same tutorial - out of some PUL fabric I was going to use to make diaper covers than decided I'd rather just borrow my friends'
3 yummy bamboo velour changing pad covers

Finished

3 baby hats
2 baby sweaters
1 pair baby mittens
3 pairs baby booties
3 knitted wool soakers

Other

Refinished/rebuilt a lampshade - I actually salvaged a crappy paper lampshade with no wires by adding my own wires and then covering it with fabric. Pretty amazing the work I put into avoiding buying something new (I couldn't find anything that worked anyway).
Created a closet organizer--the kind where you put a second rod below the main rod of your closet to create another level of hanging room. I made it by getting a rod at the hardware store, sawing it to the correct shape, drilling holes in the ends, then tying it to the upper rod. Cool, huh?

Other stuff I've made, but not this week:

Reusable milk leaking pad thingies (for your boobs)
Reusable baby wipes
6 Bamboo Terry (yum!) Baby washcloths
4 Bamboo Terry hooded towels
2 baby ring slings (super easy to make, btw!)
Maternity top and coat
3 changing pads
Baby blanket/playmat
Lots of knitted stuff

What I'm planning to make this week:

More reusable milk leaking pad thingies
Nursing bra
Diaper bag
(if I have time) nursing tops

Whew!

37 weeks pregnant pic

2010-02-14T10:58:00.000-08:00

Pardon the lack of makeup!

Week 36: Big baby

2010-02-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

I've finally switched to the once-a-week appointments with the midwife and at my latest one she told me the baby is measuring 2 weeks bigger than normal. She predicts I will have an 8.5 to 9 pound baby! I would be worried, but I've always been big and I have strong sturdy bones and, frankly, good child-bearing hips, so I'm not. Labor's going to hurt no matter what, so a big baby doesn't scare me. As long as she's not 10 pounds, I think I'll be ok. My instinct tells me she won't be terribly huge though, but who knows. My friend who had a 10+ pound baby told me to trust my instincts. She thought she was going to have a big baby and no one believed her. Turns out her son was huge and she had to have a C-section. So, I'm trusting my instincts that it won't be a problem. I just hope labor is something I can handle! I'm getting a little freaked out now that it's getting closer, even though I feel pretty prepared. There are a lot of what-ifs.

Since she's so big it makes sense that Baby's foot is pretty much permanently lodged in my side. She's in the optimum position for birth, though, so that's good! She's just getting cramped and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to hurt her when I move quickly or lie down or something! I don't really want her to come out (because I love being pregnant and feeling her in there), but something about having a baby this big inside me makes me think she'd be safer on the outside than the inside. I suppose generations of women have had the same concern.

This week I had a very nice surprise from my coworkers. I came in for a meeting on Tuesday. The meeting was for just me and one other person, but he scheduled it in a conference room rather than his office. First, it was scheduled in a room that was closer to his office, then he moved it further away and said for me to "come by before the meeting and we can go over together." I was slightly suspicious, but didn't want to assume anything. I didn't think my coworkers would do a party for me. So I went to his office and we went over together and sure enough all my coworkers were waiting with a cake, a card, and a gift card to Babies R Us in a HUGE amount! I was floored! I've never had a surprise party before and it was incredibly sweet of them to do that for me!

Then, later that day, my husband's coworkers threw us a shower. That was planned and very special. He works with a lot of women and they were very excited to give us lots of baby presents and share labor stories. They were incredibly generous and I felt so incredibly blessed after all that!

A few maternity shots from our photo shoot this weekend

2010-02-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

A friend of a friend, Hanako Wood, volunteered to take maternity shots for us over the weekend. Here are some of the better ones:

36 weeks pregnant pic

2010-02-05T10:57:00.000-08:00

Week 35: The Beginning of the End?

2010-02-05T10:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I must say this definitely feels like the beginning of the end for so many reasons.

I had a baby shower over the weekend and it was amazing! I had about 20 friends come. They all painted plain white baby onesies with fabric paint, markers, and iron-on appliques. Most of my friends are so creative! Even the ones that didn't think they were really were! I got so many amazing presents that are going to really help out a ton. Now we pretty much have everything ready for the baby, with the exception of a few bigger ticket items.

I have finally started thinking about buying things for the baby now. I found an Arm's Reach Co-sleeper on Craigslist for only $50, so we are supposed to pick that up over the weekend. Beyond that we have everything else--clothes, bouncer, carseat, stroller, wraps galore, a changing pad, and more. I've also started compiling a final list of things I need to buy and make and the list is significantly narrowing! I only have a few things left to make before baby gets here: sheets, reusable nursing pads, reusable wipes, and a few more small things. If I have time, I'll also make a diaper bag.

This weekend we are also taking our maternity pictures and I only have one more week of work left before I go on maternity leave, so it's really coming up fast! I'm starting to feel more aches and pains now--my back hurts more often and my hips are starting to hurt. I am trying to take walks and I've kept up my working out about 5-6 times a week, but I still get the pains!

I can't wait to go on leave. I really want to start washing things and getting ready for the baby to really, really be here. I don't want her to come too soon, but I also can't believe she has four or more weeks before she gets her (she's already enormous)!

All kinds of random stuff...

2010-02-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Today is a spill-my-guts kind of post. I have so much to get out!

First, I had a shower on Sunday. It was amazing. Everyone painted onesies (and my friends are SOOO creative--they turned out great) and I got a ton of amazing gifts. I can't believe that everyone got me gifts! My friends are so generous. Not that I won't need the gifts, because money is tight right now, so I am very, very thankful!

Second, a new development with Baby today: she kicked my ribs for the first time! I know I shouldn't be so excited about this, but it didn't hurt and I've been waiting for it my whole pregnancy when she'd be big enough to do it. I guess now she's big enough! She has already been kicking my hip from the inside, which is one I don't hear many pregnant ladies talk about. But it feels both cool and kinda scary, like she's going to knock it out of it's socket!

Third: new symptoms. I'm suddenly VERY tired lately. That's new. I just want to sleep and nap all the time. And, while I sleep, my HIPS hurt. That one is really strange. When I turn sides while I'm sleeping I feel weird pains in the bottom of my uterus and I think it's because the baby is so big, my uterus and the ligaments connecting it to my body are all stretching. Yesterday I felt weird pains in that area and I wondered if it didn't maybe mean the baby had dropped. Although, nothing else really seems lower, so it would be hard to say.

Fourth: more work annoyances. This time, I'm caught between two managers. I'm just trying to get my work done and every time I send an email to the "other" "new" team, my manager sends me an email asking me why I sent the email. Lord have mercy, it is annoying. The other manager sends me emails asking me what I'm working on and then asks me if it falls into his group or my manager's group. And I really have no idea what to tell him. Then my manager copies me on all these emails to him asking him what I should be responsible for. I'm just like, just tell me when you figure it out! Stop dragging me into your stupid manager war! Ugh. I cannot WAIT to go on maternity leave in 1 week and 4 days.

Week 34: The Aches and Pains Begin

2010-01-30T10:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I must say up until now I've had very little complain about physically in pregnancy, but this week my body seems to be falling apart!

First, (this started a few weeks ago), my foot hurts on and off. It all started with an uncomfortable shoe. I'm the queen of uncomfortable shoes. I've worn terrible shoes most of my adult life including the cheapest high heels money can buy, but I have gotten much better lately. Normally, when I wear a shoe and have a little pain, it goes away when the shoe comes off. If it's persistent, it'll stay for an hour. If I walked in the uncomfortable shoe for a whole day (like on a Europe trip), my feet might be sore for a day. Well, apparently pregnancy has changed all that because this pair, which had decent support and minor discomfort caused foot pain lasted for nearly a week! For the first two days I could barely walk. Now, it still comes back a little if I do a lot of walking. What is going on?!

Second, yesterday I hurt my knee. "How?" you ask. Kneeling. Yes. Kneeling. I kneeled, sitting on my heels for about 1 minute and when I got up my knee hurt so badly I could barely walk. I tried putting ice on it and resting it and walking on it and nothing seemed to help. Today it's much better, but holy cow, it scared me! I guess I really need to watch out because that relaxin hormone in my body is no joke! I've suddenly become fragile! That word never applied to me before.

Third, I think I'm getting some weird nausea symptoms again. I feel both hungry and nauseous at the same time most days. I eat and then feel sick or stuffed. But I feel sick or stuffed when I have gnawing hunger pains too. I'm confused, so I just eat a whole bunch and that normally helps!

Fourth, I won't go into detail, but some of the uglier symptoms of pregnancy have been appearing. What have I gotten myself into?!

In other news, I started doing some more research on cloth diapering. We planned to use a diaper service, but when I did more research on how to wash cloth diapers and examined the cost of that with the diaper service, I could save about $40 a month washing them myself. So I am probably going to try to do cloth diapering (prefolds. All the other types are too complicated) on my own and then if it's too hard, I'll do the service.

Lately, I've been really trying to be more frugal and it's a good thing because we found out this week that my husband is going to be laid off in three weeks. During that time, he will look for a job internally, but if he doesn't find anything he gets a little severance (not much though). It's pretty crappy as it coincides directly with my maternity leave, which will be a bit of a financial strain as it is. We will be ok. I still have my job and most of my leave will be paid at some level. Plus, we have some savings set aside. We didn't want to use them, though, so hopefully my income will be sufficient for the time being. On the up side, he'll be around a lot more. I just hope that it won't distract him from being able to find a job and he'll be able to find one quickly! So do keep us in your thoughts and prayers that he will find a new job soon.

35 Weeks Pregnant Belly Pic

2010-01-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

Taken on our beautiful hike to Fremont Older Open space preserve Jan. 29!

Bad News about Aaron's Job

2010-01-27T10:05:00.000-08:00

Aaron just found out today that he's going to be laid off in 3 weeks. That means his last day would be February 19. His boss and boss' boss are trying to help him find another job in the company, but I don't know how likely it is that he can find a job. Hopefully he can and that will be the end of it, but if he doesn't, then he only gets about 6 weeks severance pay (which is great, except that it will be exactly coinciding with the birth of our daughter and my leave, making it harder for him to concentrate on finding a job). If he doesn't find any job at that time, then I will probably have to go back to work earlier and that means the pressure is on me to be the major income earner in the family and all the benefits have to be through me and everything! I'm really worried he won't find one for a while and it will be all on me (and the financial burden of the baby will strain our finances)...

Aaron seems not at all worried about it, but I am very upset. This combined with all the problems that have been happening with my boss I can't imagine trying to shorten my leave at this point.

And, I know this is totally selfish, but I was really hoping that the maternity leave time that I was off--at least in the beginning--would be mine. I go on leave on February 12, so he'll pretty much be off at the exact same time as me, which will be great after the baby is born, but not so great if he doesn't find a job and I have to immediately go back to work.

34 Weeks Pregnant Belly Pic

2010-01-26T18:13:00.001-08:00

33 Weeks Pregnant Belly Pic

2010-01-26T18:11:00.000-08:00

Week 32 Belly Pic

2010-01-26T18:09:00.000-08:00

Diapers and other thoughts

2010-01-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a rainy week here. I'm working from home now and I love it. We rearranged our house so the "office" is now in the living room facing the big window that looks outside. I love being able to see out, but all I've seen for a week now is clouds! I'm ready for some sun!

I scheduled our birthday party (Aaron's and mine) at a tikki bar at the end of February, so hopefully we'll be able to attend that. It's the weekend before the baby is due, so it really is cutting it close.

I was doing a cost analysis of cloth diapers today and I'm not totally convinced (like I was) that cloth diaper service is cheaper than doing my own laundry. At this point, I've made no real plans or arrangements to buy or launder my own diapers. But, even if I washed the diapers every 2-3 days in 2 cycles, it would still cost about half the price of diaper service, not including the cost of diapers, so I have no idea what I was thinking... I guess I'll have to take a look at it when the time gets closer and consider doing some diaper laundering ourselves...

And, I know I say this every time I write something on here, but the baby is getting HUGE! Seriously! Enormous! She is strong and now has less space. I can tell because she will just push against one side or move her elbow along my uterus or something rather than feel like she is totally changing positions. It's amazing and crazy at the same time. I continue to be impressed with how her movements change. She also consistently is pressing on some part of my belly most of the time. I guess she doesn't have much space in there and that's the best she can do to make the most of her space! And it continues to tickle/hurt/startle me when she makes her big movements. What fun! I'll really miss this when she comes out.

Week 33: Starting to get ready

2010-01-26T13:32:00.001-08:00

After a fairly stressful encounter with my boss last week, I decided that it might be less stressful for me to work from home so I didn't have to go into the office everyday and face her and other stressors. I talked to my midwife about it and she agreed. She wrote a note recommending that I work from home because of signs of preterm labor. They hooked me up to the machines and everything to check. Now, don't panic! Everything is fine. I haven't been having contractions or anything, but if I get too stressed out I really could put myself and the baby at risk. My boss agreed to let me work from home unless I have an important meeting I need to be in the office for, so I feel relieved! Only 3 weeks left until I can go on maternity leave and now I can spend most of those days in my pajamas!

Some friends of mine are throwing me a shower next weekend and they want to paint onesies at the shower. So I went through all the clothes and other items I have gotten already to determine what size onesies they should buy and realized that I have a number of items in newborn and small sizes, especially onesies, but that I need the larger sizes. It was pretty fun going through all the baby stuff I have already, if a little overwhelming trying to think about organizing it all!

I am really anxiously awaiting maternity leave, and hoping that baby doesn't come early, so I can properly prepare for her arrival! I have so much left to get for her--a place to sleep, a changing pad, a breast pump, all sorts of bottles, but I really can't go shopping for these things either until I have my showers. I'm really having trouble hanging out at home and not having stuff ready! I guess I'm ready for that nesting instinct to kick into high gear, and for me to have the luxury of time to indulge it!

In other news, I've stopped knitting baby socks because I seem to suddenly have about 20 pairs of them (not all ones I knitted though)! Now I'm on to knitting diaper covers and wool soakers for her out of fun-colored yarn and I'm sewing some yummy bamboo baby washcloths and hooded towels. I bought the bamboo terry awhile ago and it is absolutely one of my most favorite fabrics ever! I am also sewing a few baby slings--one for me and one for a friend. Should be fun, quick projects that will use up lots of the fabric I've collected for baby!

To exchange or not to exchange a gift

2010-01-18T17:01:00.001-08:00

Please do not judge me too harshly, dear reader, but I am beginning to see the benefit of exchanging gifts for store credit.

Why is this occurring to me just now? Well, I am faced with a mass of gifts for the upcoming arrival of my baby and I'm starting to see a large amount of overlap on things I won't need as much of and a lot less of what I really need.

There are a few reasons why exchanging gifts for credit appeals to me:
1. People have different tastes - there are some things people have given me that I just plain don't like or don't want, even though I deeply appreciate the thought.
2. I have limited space - people have given me bulk amounts of certain items and I just don't have the room to store them.
3. Some people have not given me gift receipts or have given me second-hand items, which means that I have large numbers of items I can't return, making items I did receive receipts for something I can turn into things I can use.
4. There are some very large, expensive items I will need that I can use that store credit towards. As Rachel says in Friends, "Wouldn't you want me to exchange your gift for something I really want and can get a lot of use out of?" i.e. Credit!

This obsession with keeping our house clean and clutter to a minimum is shaping every aspect of my life, to the point where I'm now considering exchanging some Christmas gifts I received. I won't use the item much, most likely, but we're trying to keep baby costs low, and I could use the credit towards that or other items I need more (or might prefer over the gift).

As a gift-giver, I would much rather see my friends and family exchange a gift for something they would like or need than hate the gift or give it away.

I don't know if you think the same. Do you think it's offensive when someone returns an item you purchased for them?

Minimalist Baby Stuff

2010-01-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

I know this is terrible, but I feel a little smug about the fact that we are doing everything for the baby as minimalist as possible.

People say, "Have you painted the room yet?" and I practically gag with laughter. HA! A room? A whole room? For the baby? We have a 2 bedroom apartment and we are planning on the baby co-sleeping with us, so we have part of a room set aside for playing and rocking and reading, and that's about it. Plus, we rent. I don't get why people ask this question around here because nearly everyone I know rents.

Second, all these expecting women go on and on about buying baby cribs and baby bedding and take pictures of the whole room all set up with a changing table and the baby's name stenciled on the wall. And I'm like, "Really? REALLY?" I get that people think they need a lot of things because we are sort of told we need a lot of things and I guess if you had the room for it, you might think getting a lot of things was a good idea, but it seems a bit silly.

You don't need to have a crib right away and in their own room. I mean, you have to physically GET UP every few hours to get to the baby at night. Do you really want to walk to the other side of the house or even the room for that? Especially if you are breastfeeding... ugh... So lots of people do a bassinet first. If they do that, why get the crib? Why set it up months before you'll need it? We are waiting on that purchase until baby outgrows the co-sleeper at 5 months or so...

Then bedding. All you really need is a sheet, right? You don't need a bumper, because those are actually supposed to be harmful because there is a potential for the baby to suffocate or get stuck in them. And you really don't need the little skirt at the bottom. You definitely don't need blankets, because of the risk of suffocation again. So all you need is a sheet and something warm for them to sleep in (like a sleep sack). That's it!

Then the changing table. I thought maybe I needed this. Now, I'm completely convinced that not only do I not need it, but I don't have the space! I'm getting a changing pad and that's the best I can do. From what I hear you also never use the changing table either. You change the baby wherever you are. And that makes sense to me. So we aren't buying those either.

Then there's the issue of decor. Frankly, with no crib, no changing table, no bedding, and no real room of her own, I'm not really sure why I would need to decorate even part of the room for the baby. It's not like she's going to even notice it at her age, right? I figured I'd wait on that part until the room really becomes hers and she can even have a say in what she likes. That really won't happen for at least 6 months, and probably a few years, in which case we'll probably have moved by then anyway!

Strangely, the one thing we do have a lot of is toys and baby amusement objects. These are the items I consider ESPECIALLY useless. I scoff at people who buy these right now (maybe I won't be so quick to judge if I have a collicky baby who needs help being amused and I'll try anything). But somehow we ended up with a baby gym, a baby bouncer, and a baby swing--all borrowed or hand-me-downs from friends and family. I was resistant to the idea of even taking them at first, but now I'm more on board, since they were free and we have a storage closet. Aaron convinced me that it can't hurt to have them just in case, so okay, we'll keep them just in case.

Another baby thing I find totally useless or annoying: high chairs. Just get a chair that clips onto the table! Every high chair I've ever seen has taken up tons of space and been hideously ugly.

I'm proud of us for avoiding getting sucked into the baby-thing buying trap. Screw Babies-R-Us and their long list of "baby essentials." I'm using cloth diapers, homemade wipes, handmade sheets, hand-me-downs, and the absolute minimum in baby furniture (co-sleeper). I'm saving my money for things I'll really need like a breast pump and a jogging stroller (for after she outgrows the borrowed car seat and compatible stroller). I wouldn't even buy a stroller and would just use baby carriers, except I think there really will be times when it is handy.

So, say what you will about my smugness, but I'm here to say that even though it's fun, you don't NEED that much baby stuff. I'll let you know if I change my mind later. It will be interesting to see if I'm way off or doing just fine. But for now, in my experience, it's better to start off with a little and get what you know you will need than to get a lot and have it go to waste (and take up precious space).

Week 32: Back to Reality

2010-01-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

Well, this week was a little less eventful than other weeks. Mostly, I just worked very hard on a big project that was due for work. But there are a few new developments on the baby front.

For one, we finished our birthing class this week, and yet, I find myself barely ready for giving birth. I feel informed and well-equipped, but I just cannot imagine this baby coming out. I feel no Braxton-Hicks contractions or major discomfort that makes me think, "Get this baby out!" I guess when the time comes I will just know, but right now, I feel as though I'm in denial. I'll just be pregnant forever. Yes, I think that will work for me! Haha!

I finally decided that I will start maternity leave on February 15 (my birthday!). Which is not a moment too soon. Work has become pretty stressful for me. My boss is not a very good communicator and I find myself very intimidated when I'm talking to her. In general, I think she is a good boss, but often her comments leave me wondering, "Does she think I'm an idiot?" I think our personalities must clash or something and I'm more sensitive to it being pregnant, I think. I really like what I do though, so I'm happy to do it for awhile. It's just that I'm ready to start focusing on baby stuff! I want to finish buying baby items, get them all organized and washed and be ready for baby!

My mom is making plans to come out and visit a few days after my due date. That was the date the midwife recommended, since it is likely that I will give birth past my due date. I think I will too. I have always maintained I will have the baby on March 11 (I'm due March 4), so we shall see!

Baby is really kicking strong this week. Aaron, my husband, said he's never heard me react as much as I did this week to the kicks. Often when she kicks, it's so strong it startles me. This weekend she kicked me on my left side (normally she kicks to the right) while I was laying on that side and I thought briefly I'd somehow laid on something sharp. Turns out it was her foot I laid on! I jumped up very high, much to his amusement. All week long I've been feeling rolling sensations and strong concentrated pressure in the form of a foot all over my belly. It's kind of fun, but it's starting to be a little uncomfortable. I'm trying to enjoy it, though. I really do love feeling her and I love that it means she's healthy in there!

I've also been reading more baby books. There's a lot to learn, but I am really starting to understand more about what my role will be as a mother and I feel better equipped by it. Aaron is reading some of the books too. Right now I'm reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer which is REALLY good so far. I highly recommend it.

One more exciting thing! Aaron's department at work decided to throw us a baby shower. I figured my coworkers would probably not do something like that (I'll be lucky to get a card), but I never even thought about his. So, we will have it on February 9--my last week before leave. And a few weekends before that we will be having my regular shower. I can't wait to see what I get, because I'm ready to buy up the big stuff people don't get, but I don't want to do it until I know exactly what I have and don't have (and what I can return and be able to get store credit for). So, it's very exciting. I'm so excited!
--

Week 31: The Baby is Taking Over my Thoughts!

2010-01-11T09:51:00.001-08:00

I realized last night that pretty much every waking thought in my brain, when I'm not distracted with work or something else, is about the baby. All I want to do is talk about the baby, think about the baby, read about the baby, plan for the baby, feel the baby move, talk to the baby, and so on! When did I become baby crazy?!

We got back from the holidays on January 1, with no complications, which was great. I was still feeling a little cloudy because of my cold and I was concerned it would put a damper in my plans to rearrange the house for the baby. Turns out, it did, but only slightly. Since we had 2.5 days to move everything around, I was able to feel good enough for some part of each day that I could at least do some work. My husband helped out a great deal, doing some of the bigger tasks when I didn't feel up to it. And, we finally got everything in order! Our desk is now neatly organized in our living room and the 2nd bedroom is now a multipurpose guest room and baby area! We got rid of a large amount of extra furniture we didn't need and repurposed a few items to act as baby storage. We now have room for the baby and her stuff. Hooray!

Coming back to work wasn't as hard as I expected, because right off the bat, I was given a huge assignment that I have been focused on. But in my spare time, I'm starting to plan my maternity leave and it's coming up quick! At my latest appointment with my midwife I talked about the paperwork I needed to fill out for that and the pre-admission to the hospital, and I'm starting to be in total denial that I'm getting this close! In just a few weeks I will be considered "full term" which means I could give birth at any time and the baby wouldn't be premature. YIKES! I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet, even though I feel fairly prepared in my head, I'm a little shell shocked to be so close. Hopefully the next few weeks will allow me to get used to it.

The baby is head down right now, which is great! And, everything else is measuring right. So far, I've gained about 31 pounds, so I'm right on schedule. I would bet I'll gain 40 pounds by the end, but we shall see.

Posted some back posts from Storknet

2010-01-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

So, as you may or may not know, I also post a weekly journal on Storknet.com. I haven't been very good about posting here when I post there, so I went back and back-posted all the weeks I haven't updated on this blog, so you will see some new content and some content re-arranged in more sequential order now. Now you can see everything I post from this blog, so that will keep things more consistent!

Enjoy!

The Baby is Getting BIG!

2010-01-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

So the biggest development over the last week or two is that the baby is getting VERY big! I can tell this in 2 ways:

1) I can feel practically every movement she makes and the stronger ones are really distracting and often catch me by surprise. Aaron frequently hears me go, "Oh!" or "Ack!" in the middle of a quiet evening on the couch. It feels exactly like you would think it would feel if a little baby was kicking you, except you feel it inside, not outside.

2) My boobs finally look small in proportion to my belly and I know they aren't getting smaller because I'm outgrowing my larger bras. Ack! At least I don't just look like a playboy bunny with an extra-large stomach anymore!

Only 2 more months. I can't believe it's coming up so fast. We got the baby's room ready this weekend--moving around and getting rid of a ton of furniture. The house looks nice and uncluttered and ready for a 3rd, small person finally!

31 Weeks Pregnant

2010-01-01T20:05:00.001-08:00

30 Weeks Pregnant

2009-12-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

Week 30: The Holidays & Reflection on 2009

2009-12-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

What a fun week. I love the holidays. Pregnancy-wise, the baby is definitely starting to get bigger! I can really feel her moving all the time. Even when she shifts a little, I think I can feel it. Rare are the times when I feel nothing. She seems to have hiccups between 2-4 times a day for about 5-10 minutes each time--I felt the jolty movements from the start without knowing what they were, but now they are big jolty movements and I read online that those are hiccups. She shifts from one side of my belly to the other easily, which I guess means she still has room in there to move around, but she is definitely growing, which is exciting!

We traveled from Indiana to Atlanta on Monday to join my family for the rest of the holidays, and that has been really nice. My mom threw me a baby shower Wednesday with some of her friends, who I don't really know, but they still came and brought me gifts anyway, which was incredibly generous of them! Unfortunately, I got sick on my way down to Atlanta, so I've been a bit out of sorts--nothing too serious, just a cold. I'm hoping this doesn't affect the travel back too much. We go back New Year's Day, which gives us a weekend free that I plan to use to FINALLY get the baby's room started! We will be moving furniture out of that room and just generally getting organized. And, I can't wait. I feel like it's been hanging over my head for forever.

In less positive news, I've decided that I need to find a therapist. As a teenager, when my hormones were raging (similar to now), I suffered from depression. And, I feel some definite symptoms of depression lately that I haven't felt since that time. I am pretty sure they are a result of my hormones again, and I was talking to my husband about possibly starting on anti-depressants. Since we don't really know if that can affect the baby, he wants me to try talking to a counselor first, so that will be a first order of business when we return home. Hopefully, I can get myself balanced out again before baby comes! Depression really sucks, especially when you know it's from a chemical imbalance inside that you can't do much about. But I know that I will get through it. I just don't want to miss out on any of the joy and excitement of pregnancy and a new baby!

29 Weeks Pregnant

2009-12-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

Week 29: Traveling & My Baby Shower!

2009-12-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

This week brought lots of adventure! We are taking two weeks off for Christmas and New Years to visit our families. My husband's family lives in Indiana and my family lives in Atlanta, GA. We were supposed to leave for Indiana on Friday, and we packed up everything, drove our car to the train station, got on the train and into the airport with only an hour to spare. When we got to the check-in counter, we couldn't find our reservation and found out we'd gone to the wrong airport! Everyone asks me how I could possibly have done that, and I don't know if I have a good answer. Can I just say pregnancy brain? We were supposed to leave out of SJC and return to SFO so I must have thought we were leaving out of SFO, too. And, I'd looked online at the SFO airport and checked our "plane"--a plane that left from the SFO airport at the exact same time to the exact same place, but didn't look at the flight number, which if I had would have been wrong. We paid the money to change our flight and had to leave the next day, Saturday. So we trekked all the way back home and did the same thing the next morning, this time actually making it to Indiana!

It's a good thing too, because if we'd had to wait a day later, I would have missed my baby shower, which was on Sunday. Originally, they were going to plan it for Saturday, so it's a very good thing they decided to do it on Sunday!

All my husband's family and a few of my close friends that still live in Indiana came out (I grew up in the same area as my husband, but my family has since moved). It was great to see everyone and I got some really great stuff! Mostly a lot of clothes and blankets and some money, which I think I might like best of all since I'm only starting to realize how much stuff I'm going to need for the baby. Since I registered at alternativegiftregistry.org and Babies R Us, I expected that I wouldn't get much off the registry (the first seems to confuse people and the second they don't have in this town), but I'd specifically requested a lot of handmade and second-hand items, which is what I got! It was quite a fun time and I felt like a princess being the center of attention. I'm so thankful for my friends and family who made it so special.

Happy Holidays to everyone!

28 weeks pregnant

2009-12-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Week 28: Dreaming of Our Baby

2009-12-17T08:57:00.000-08:00

A few nights ago I watched The Business of Being Born, which is a documentary done by Ricki Lake about birth options besides hospitals and doctors. It explores childbirth throughout history and the safety of birth options available to women--debunking the myth that hospital birth is the safest choice. It was very well done and interesting and I am still haunted by the images of women who were given "twilight sleep" as a pain-relief option in childbirth (my great aunt was relaying to me at Thanksgiving that this is how she birthed at least one of her children in the 1940s, but until I watched the documentary last night, I had no idea what it was, and apparently she didn't either).

Again I teared up after seeing multiple women give birth to their babies. It's such a sweet and horrifying moment all at the same time, but I'm starting to be desensitized to it, which is good. And it made me long for the moment when I can meet my baby. After watching the movie, my husband and I took some time to read a book about how to get your baby to sleep through the night that my cousin gave us. We're preparing early. And, then, I went to bed.

All these thoughts of babies apparently put the baby on my brain while sleeping, because I dreamed about our baby being born. I dreamed about the moment she comes out--about breastfeeding her and getting to hold her. It was such a sweet dream and I woke up a little sad that it wasn't true. Also very glad, since she would be premature if born today. But, you know what I'm saying.

She's been on my mind more and more lately because we go on vacation this week for the holidays and, when we get back, we will only have two months left before my due date to get everything ready! We haven't started moving things around or even really thinking about furniture for the baby's room. I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed thinking about all I have to do and just take it one step at a time. But, it's coming so fast all of a sudden and I just want to be ready for when she arrives. I feel like I have baby on the brainall the time. I'm a little worried that's all I talk about!

Repost from Facebook: How to Help a Family with a Baby in the NICU

2009-12-16T16:48:00.000-08:00

A friend of a friend on Facebook posted this recently and since I know a lot of pregnant ladies and have babies on the brain all the time, I thought this was very insightful. Hopefully no one I know will have to go through having a baby in the NICU, but just in case, it's really cool to have some info on what you can do to help. Hope this helps you if you know someone who has to deal with it!

We have a good number of friends who have babies in the in NICU. I was thinking about ways people helped us when Isabelle was in the NICU for 3 months. Maybe it will give you ideas to help families you know who's babies are in the NICU. Post any ideas you have too.

1. Gift cards to eat out.
Since we wanted to see our baby as much as possible, we spent a lot of time at the hospital. Some kind people gave us money to eat out or looked at the restaurants around the hospital and gave us gift cards to those places. If it is a long distance, gas cards are great too. If there is a Walmart around, a Walmart gift card is great because you can get gas and essentials at the same time.

2. Helped out around our house.
Normal house stuff seems so insignificant when your baby is in the hospital. It is a blessing if other people help you with it. Volunteer to do their laundry ever 4-5 days. Ask if you can clean their house once a week when they are at the hospital. Fill the fridge with basics. This time a year shovel the snow. Babysit the kids at night. (In most NICUs children are not allowed, so it can be hard for the parents to spend time together with their baby.)

3. Meals.
Nothing beats a good home cooked meal. Meals that took little to no prep were great. Meals that had little to no clean up were great too. There is a lot of running around when your child is in the NICU, so a bag of healthy snacks are great too.

4. Hand written cards.
Hand written cards are such a blessing in a time of trial. Reading from someone's own hand a verse God has used in their life and that they love your child was so encouraging. We had children make us cards. Adults wrote us notes. A lady typed out a Ron Hamilton song ("I am your creation") for us to put up in the room.

5. Praying for us.
Praying specifically for some requests we had was the best gift of all. We wanted God to work to specific ways, and it was awesome to know other people were talking to God about our cares too!

So now, you don't have to say, "If you need anything, tell me." (Like they are going to list for you all their needs. No one ever does that.)
But now you can say, "Do you mind if I give this to you?" or "Would you want someone to do this for you?"

Hope this helps you know how to help a family who has a child in the NICU.

Also, there's more info on NICU care packages here. This is a multiple-post story, so be sure to read on past the first one!

Is it Bad that God is the Last Person I want to talk to when I'm emotional?

2009-12-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

So, I hardly ever blog about my faith. But I gotta say that this ties in nicely to my experiences lately.

I've been emotional like nobody's business. Like a crazy person. And it's not consistent either. One day I will be fine and happy, and insults roll off my back. And the next day, every little tiny thing will set me off and I will be in tears. Ugh!

Being this teary and emotional has brought back flashbacks of high school. I was really emotional in high school--peaking right around age 18. Anyone who knew me then can attest to my ups and downs. I was vulnerable all the time--sensitive to my parents, to my school, and even sometimes to my friends. When I found pot, alcohol, and antidepressants, I thought I'd found my savior, because they regulated my emotions in a way that I was unable to do myself. It's the same now, minus the drugs, which I would definitely be doing if I wasn't pregnant.

What does all this have to do with God, you ask? Well, it was at that time that I became convinced that God was the reason for all my troubles. I blamed him for all the pain and emotion I was experiencing. I decided I hated him. I was going through a lot at the time, but the raging hormonal emotions didn't help matters. It made me confused about just about everything and forced me to survive by my emotions alone. So, when I went to church, my normal place to find solace, I actually found that thinking about God made me feel MORE emotional and vulnerable.

Both now and then when I am at my most teary, I cannot think about God. I cannot pray to God (other than maybe a quick prayer). I cannot read the Bible. Because literally nothing can penetrate the emotional wave I live on at that time. I am powerless against my emotions, struggling very VERY hard to keep it together at work (usually) or other public places. Thinking about God in that moment seems to make things worse. I get more emotional and cry more (probably because I am reliving on whatever it was that made me feel emotional in the first place). I feel like this is bad, but at the same time, I think it's an honest reflection of my vulnerability. Let's face it, God made me this way and he knows that I am powerless over my emotions at these times, which means that during the times when I am NOT feeling like an emotional mess, or I have the luxury of privacy, I can feel free to talk to him and read the Bible. And pray for those times when I won't have either, so he can at least keep them under control for me...

Anyway, this might not make sense, but I really had to get this out there. My emotions are saying so. :-)

27 Weeks Pregnant

2009-12-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

27 weeks pregnant pics!

Less modest:

Week 27: I Can't Believe I've Come This Far

2009-12-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

I'm in my third trimester! Holy cow!

When I was just edging out of the first trimester--around 12 weeks, I met a woman who was 27 weeks pregnant. I could barely tell she was pregnant, because she was sitting down and her shirt was rather baggy. I asked her how far along she was and she told me and I didn't know what to say. At that time, I'd only done research up until the beginning of the second trimester and, having never been 27 weeks pregnant before, I didn't know what to say besides, "Well, you're getting there!" She nodded and smiled. At that time, I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to get so far as 27 weeks and now, here I am.

Right now, I feel sort of in limbo. I'm starting to feel really pregnant some days, and really normal other days. My belly is getting bigger and, again, some days it seems bigger than others. I feel the baby move and I'm starting to do more thinking about the baby's room and what we're going to need to do before she comes. I'm getting incredibly excited about meeting my baby. But, I'm also in denial that the baby will ever come! It seems so far off and like it's taking forever, even though it's so much closer than it's ever been. I'm trying to enjoy right now, though, and be patient!

I've been attending my Bradley method birth classes and learning lot about first and second stage labor. We've been watching a lot of videos and, while I still find it unsettling to think about labor, I'm starting to feel a little more confident. I can't believe that I, who started out totally confident about natural labor, would get so disturbed by watching videos of women in labor and giving birth! I can't believe myself. But at the same time, I'm glad I'm getting educated and desensitized to it. I think that is what I need right now.

Thanks to all of you who sent me encouraging emails about labor and birth. I read a really good article this week in Mothering magazine about natural labor that made me feel a bit more confident, along with more in the book, A Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth. The Bradley class is also really helping me learn what I need to do now to prepare myself physically and mentally, so I've been really working hard on those things and I think I'm starting to feel more confident about going through it.

New Revelation... Kids = Fun?

2009-12-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

So, I had a revelation today. Really, really caught me off guard. A guy at my work was asking me when I was due. He's nearly 70 and has a grown daughter as well as a son in his 20s and another son who is about 19.

He said it seems like one minute you are having them, then time passes and you look back at pictures of them as babies and think, "that was the best time." He said that the time was "so fun" and everything was fun --going on vacations to fun kid places and so on.

And he made me think about it in a whole new light.

Since I've never been a person who loves kids or desperately wanted to have children, I never really stopped to consider the fun you can have with kids. Of course, I've thought that having my own child would have many fun and cute moments and it would be fullfilling and enjoyable, but I also tend to focus on the hard work and challenges. And, having been resistant to the idea of doing anything with kids for a long time, I'm starting to see the fun side. I'm starting to realize that this could be an opening to a world of fun I have never known. I will get to do fun kid things and I think that will make missing the adult things a little easier. I'm starting to think that while this is the beginning of a new chapter in my life, it's not necessarily a chapter filled with hard work, sleepless nights, and complaining about never getting to do anything fun anymore. Instead, I see it as a new chapter of fun--one that will require some effort and adjustment, but also one that will open up a whole new world to me that I'll get to enjoy and be a part of. And, that's kinda cool.

And, it doesn't rule out adult fun altogether. It just adds a new dimension and flavor to my already varied and busy life. And I like that. I'm looking forward to it!

Week 26: Thanksgiving and More!

2009-12-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

This week was very eventful!

First, the holidays. My husband and I had a Pre-Thanksgiving party for all our friends on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I cooked a turkey (which turned out awesome by the way--little tip: cook the turkey breast-side down), stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and gravy, and everyone else brought lots of food. It was delicious and tons of fun! Although, I think it's getting a little harder to host big parties like that because I get tired so easily.

Then we went to Santa Barbara to visit my uncle for Thanksgiving. We got to spend a lot of time with my 6 year old cousin which was really fun and interesting for us. For one thing, Aaron loves kids and he spent nearly all his time hanging out with her. It was so adorable. They played video games and other games together and it was so sweet to get a tiny picture of our future with a kid. He's going to be the best father ever! On the other hand, we took her out on a walk one day and she got bored very easily. I wanted to keep walking and going, but she wouldn't do it. And, she got hungry. So, we had to stop, get her some food, and cut our time out short. Then, she got something in her eye and we couldn't even make it back to the car. I had to wait with her while Aaron got the car so we could take her home ASAP. This was a really interesting learning experience for me. I think I'm really going to have to learn how to be flexible and open-minded. Kids don't always follow my agenda (if they ever do). I think I'm in for a big adjustment!

Second, I decided to dye my hair. Before you get upset that I polluted my body and my baby with chemicals, let me say that I did not make this decision lightly. My doctor's office said that you could not dye your hair during the first trimester and, fundamentally, I am against doing it at all during pregnancy. But then my doctor said that she did it while she was pregnant and she didn't seem to think it was a big deal. I did my own independent research on hair dyes and pregnancy and found very conflicting opinions and research. Everything from "It's no big deal! Go for it" to "absolutely never ever." In the end, it looks like research has been inconclusive. So, I did some research on natural dyes that worked and semi-natural dyes (like Aveda) and decided I would do Aveda, since they have very few chemicals in their hair dye. Then, I found the cosmetics database online which rates all kinds of skin, hair, and makeup products for potential toxins and I found out that Aveda was ranked 6 out of 10 (10 being the most toxic) and really wasn't that great after all. But, it was less toxic than most hair dye. So, considering this, and that I could save money by dyeing my hair at home, I found another hair dye rated the same as Aveda that I could do at home. And I used that. I wouldn't have done it at all, except my hair was three different colors from dyeing it blond last year.

26 Weeks Pregnant

2009-11-30T21:20:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! On Thanksgiving day I turned 26 weeks pregnant, so we took a picture at my uncle's house in Santa Barbara where we were visiting:

A week or so prior, I broke down and bought some non-alcoholic beer to kill the cravings I've had for beer lately. I also dyed my hair with the safest dye I could find (believe me I researched insanely). So here's a picture of me looking like a pretty white trash irresponsible mother: holey shirt, beer, and dying my hair. And pregnant. hahahahaha!

25 weeks pregnant

2009-11-30T21:19:00.001-08:00

Modest picture:

Not so modest, sort of creepy pregnant belly picture:

Week 25: Why Does Labor Seem so Scary?

2009-11-26T09:01:00.000-08:00

Last week, I talked about how I got a little freaked out by the birthing class video. This week, it seems like everything I did confirmed any fears I had about pain . . .

Up until now, I've pretty firmly believed that I could handle it, that it would be something I could deal with without too much issue. But now, after hearing stories from other people and thinking through how I really manage pain, I am really starting to get a bit concerned. I think it's a healthy concern. It's better for me to address these fears now than in the throes of labor.

First, I was given a lot of homework in the Bradley class. Mostly this consists of an outrageous number of Kegels and many other exercises to aid in labor. I'm starting to get the idea that this is going to be like an athletic event. And I feel like I am training for it. I suppose if I approach it that way, that's the best thing I could do. It's a test of endurance really.

Second, I was talking to the midwife today and she talked to me about not being so averse to the epidural so that if I have to have one for some reason I won't feel very upset or ashamed. And, I will acknowledge that while I don't want an epidural and I am vehemently opposed to them, I understand that there's a slight chance I may want one. She gave the example of a 3 day labor where you've been up for 3 days and all you want to do is sleep, so the epidural can help with that. Well, that kind of worried me. Three days? Would I really not be able to sleep? Surely I could find a way to rest during those 3 days even if I couldn't sleep that would still allow me to be prepared for the hard work of labor in the end? Surely!

Third, while I was in the office I got an H1N1 shot. Needles freak me out a bit, so I tried a relaxing breathing exercise from the Bradley class when she was sticking me for about 10 seconds and I still felt a lot of pain and it was difficult to distract myself from it. And it was just a tiny needle! I started to wonder, can I really handle the pain of labor?

I think maybe up until now I really sort of thought I would have mental strength and preparation available to me to just call upon during labor. That when I got to that point, I would be ready, but now I'm starting to think that if I want to be prepared, I better really approach this like something I'm hard-core training for. I'm wondering if I should have my husband pinch me for 30 seconds or something so I can try breathing deeply through it and not being tense. I'm going to start religiously doing my exercises and practicing mind over matter.

But thinking about it this way makes me think that maybe I won't be able to relax when I get there. I previously believed I'd bring my knitting and some interesting TV shows to distract me from the pain. I figured I'd basically be just hanging out, walking the hallways, sitting on a birthing ball, knitting, and watching my shows until things got intense, when TV might still help distract me... But, I don't think that's realistic either. Somewhere in the middle there must be a balance. I'd welcome any advice anyone has on how to prepare for this. It really seems like the fear of the unknown is the problem here--you just never know how it's going to go. You might get a great, easy birth, or you might get a long (or short) intense and painful one... Since I don't know, I don't know how to prepare, and that might be concerning me most of all.

24 Weeks Pregnant

2009-11-24T21:19:00.000-08:00