Moving my blog

So I've decided that maintaining two blogs with a 15 month old child is just too much. So I'm merging my two blogs together at: http://www.mskirko.blogspot.com. I will be posting all new updates about me and my family there for a while. Maybe someday I'll have time to do 2 blogs again! Thanks for reading!

Yet another post about my mental status...

Today at work my boss told me that 1) Several people regularly complain about how loud and often I talk in the office. It's a small office. and 2) That in a BIIIIG meeting we had last week (and let me stress BIG. As in huge. As in huge for the whole company) I was having a "side conversation" with one of the co-founders of the company, which reflected poorly on the company and on me. Apparently one of the huge execs of the company that's going to buy us was giving me looks and "several people" mentioned it to him. The other guy in the side conversation: he's not my boss. He's a particularly flirty guy and sort of an instigator. He was doing sort of little brother things like poking me, whispering to me, stretching his leg out to where he could kick me. After awhile I got involved and played along and got kind of into it. It didn't help that the meeting was 3+ hours long and this was at the tail end of it.

Anyway, I appreciate that my boss told me this, but now I feel like a huge idiot. I feel stupid and sad. I hate it when he says "several people" and then doesn't say who or when. I'm guessing in the first case it was everyone who sits around me (and I'm now looking around me wondering, "who said something?" "does someone dislike me?" "I thought my talking was endearing and wish someone would have said something to me" "who was it?")... In the second case, I just feel horrible. Doubtlessly it was an exec who said it, who thinks I'm an idiot, rude, or worse. I just feel terrible.

I did the whole song and dance of apologizing and whatnot, but I'm having a terrible time letting all this go. I got "in trouble" many times for talking about things I shouldn't in the office and other stuff, so it's clear I need to just stop talking. I think I'm obviously hugely depressed because I'm tired all the time and I just CANNOT let this thing go. Poor timing I guess considering I'm in a rather fragile spot post-move, illness, and conference (which exhausted me to how I felt before I started on the Zoloft). I want to cry and wallow in it and feel my pain and talk to a billion people about it until I feel better (hence this blog post). I feel all paranoid that people are looking at me as a huge slacker--as the annoying lurker of the office who just won't shut up.

Anyway, I guess I need to get back to working out. Hopefully that will help me get back to feeling normal and not so depressed again. I'm already on a super-high dose of Zoloft.

And, in other news, Amelia is great--so cute and adorable!

A year ago: A reflection on my struggles with Post Partum Anxiety

A year ago today I was struggling very much with postpartum depression and anxiety. I thought I was just having trouble sleeping and it was possibly hormonal and temporary. But I started to realize it was driven by anxiety. I was reminded of this feeling when I met my friends newborn baby. Just being around her (and already being in a fragile state lately from my illness, move, etc), I felt so much anxiety around the newborn baby that helped me understand the state I must have been in when my baby was a newborn.

As you probably already know, almost exactly a year ago I tried to "fix" my insomnia by taking a variety of medications and trying different things: staying in the guest room (and far away from the baby at night), taking Benadryl, Xanax, Ativan, Ambien and more for sleep. I tried modifying my sleep hygiene, taking baths, relaxing, doing deep breathing, exhausting myself with exercise. Sometimes these worked, sometimes not. While on a three-week road trip vacation, I started to realize how tense I really was and that I might not just be having a sleep problem, but anxiety about the well-being of my perfectly mellow, easygoing baby. When I returned from the trip, I sought help for the anxiety.

I got some sleep meds at the intensive outpatient program (IOP) I attended 3 days a week for 3 hours a day and began to realize and understand that I was experiencing PPA. Still, I had an overarching concern that I would be on sleep medication long term and felt an urgency to get off of them "as soon as possible" even though the doctors continued to reassure me that in good time I would get off of them and they were only temporary (I thought "temporary" meant a week or two. I was alarmed when it turned into 1 month, then 2, etc.). I was concerned that being on them would negatively affect my baby because I was breastfeeding and I felt like I shouldn't NEED the drugs. That plenty of other mothers have sleep problems with a newborn and I should be able to suck it up like they did. I was plagued by the thought that women suffered through this before postpartum was recognized as an illness and shuddered to think about how suicidal I was when I got no sleep in a night. During the IOP, I encountered a lot of people who felt strongly that to take medication for PPA/PPD, they needed to stop breastfeeding. But, I refused to stop.

I tried to taper down because I was insistent that taking drugs to sleep was a bad thing and I should be able to do without them. At the same time I was trying to taper, I went through many major life changes: got a new job with a long and hellish commute, traveled, moved, and had to get used to a new city, new doctors, therapists, etc. And, my sleep started to suffer again. After much suffering through trying multiple medications and trying to taper, I finally gave in. I realized that if I needed to take drugs to sleep, I would. It was better to be able to sleep and be function and feel decent the next day than to try to get off a drug and feel like I was at the end of my rope and unable to function because I was so fatigued and depressed the next day.

There was one point during my suffering and trying of many medications that I considered that I should stop breastfeeding. When I was at my darkest and lowest, I felt exhausted. Tired. Beyond explanation. I could barely function. I thought it was because of the breastfeeding. But I didn't stop and started the Zoloft instead (pretty much a last-ditch effort) and later realized my fatigue and exhaustion was because of the depression I didn't know I was experiencing, not breastfeeding.

Soon, I began to take Zoloft. After just a few days I started to feel like I was emerging from a tunnel of despair. And, it only got better. It made me realize that I actually HAD been depressed--perhaps from all the stressors in my life, perhaps in combination with the PPA. But in a few weeks I felt so good, I couldn't believe it. I was pretty much back to my normal self. And, to this day, I wish I would have tried it sooner. For so long I insisted that I didn't need it. I SHOULDN'T need it. But now I see I may have been able to save myself much suffering and enjoyed things more. But I'm glad I found it when I did. I wasn't sure I could go on anymore and was considering the possibility of going on disability.

One year later, after all these struggles, I don't regret or feel bad in ANY way for taking the medications. In fact, I am THANKFUL for them. More than thankful. I believe they saved me. And, I've realized that breastfeeding while taking them is STILL better for my baby than subjecting her to unknown chemicals in formula. I feel like I made the best decision for me and my family by taking medication and continuing to breastfeed. I've still been able to live my dream of donating milk to other mamas who didn't mind that I was on medication and to breastfeed my daughter even now at 14 months (my dream is to bf until she is at least 2 years old, as long as she wants to). The Zoloft has enabled me to cope with some of the hardest things I've ever done: travel with an active 1 year old, be up at many hours of the night with her, go to work, encounter many life stressors, and more with a normal amount of stress (not a crippling amount).

I soon hope to get off the sleeping medication, but I'm not in any hurry. It's better for everyone if I get normal sleep. I never again want to spend my days and nights being worried and consumed by this concern. I have no need or desire to get off the Zoloft. It has changed my life and I am so happy to have something that has helped me so much.

My words of wisdom to any mothers out there who thinks they just have a "sleep" or "tiredness" problem: PLEASE just consider that you might need help. See a doctor or therapist about it. If you need to take medications, do so and NEVER look back. If you don't want to have PPD/PPA, it's OK. It's not your fault. Just like cancer patients didn't DO anything to have cancer or WANT to have it, they still have to make a choice to treat it and live. Choose life--one you can live fully and without suffering. It really can exist. And contact me if you need support or have questions. Really.

Life has been crazy...

So if you follow this blog regularly, but you don't know me personally you've probably wondered why I haven't posted in 2 months or so. Well, I have a VERY good reason! Well, actually multiple reasons.

First, I had pnuemonia for 2 months. I was in bed for almost every day of those 2 months! It was rough. Why didn't I post with all that time in bed, you ask? Well, I was not just exhausted--so exhausted to do much of anything, including post, all my energy was going into trying to do a little work AND the next thing:

Second, we bought a house. It turned out that during the course of my illness an offer we put on a house was accepted and I managed 90% of the details (calling people, signing and sending papers, managing home improvement tasks, buying needed items for the house, and more) all from bed. So my energy, when I had it, went into that.

Third, we moved into the new house. Yes, I was still sick with pneumonia. Clearly, this means I was without Internet access for a time, was busy watching my relatives pack and unpack me, doing yardwork, organizing, etc. All of which meant, blogging was the furthest from my mind!

Not to mention the 14 month old toddler running around trying to kill herself regularly! The hardwood floors and stairs present lots of new fun hazards for her!

Anyway, I'm recovered now (mostly) and things are starting to settle down a bit. The company I work for was just purchased, so there's some turbulence at work, but at least my personal life is a little less intense. We are still pretty busy with home projects and family visits, but it should be a slow summer (I hope!). That means, hopefully, I can post updates about Double J, soooooo STAY TUNED! :-)

The Latest on Double J and the rest of us!

So I've started calling my daughter Double J because her two middle names start with J. So I'll probably just refer to her as that or Double from now on... :-)

So she's getting enormous--a full blown toddler. She only will eat what she can pick up with her hands with VERY few exceptions. She's a little picky, but for the most part, if she can pick it up, she will eat it.

She's learned some sign language and is using words more (yay!). She can say Mama, Dada, and Mow for the cat (like meow hehe).

She's walking so stablely and getting into everything! To the point where we've had to implement timeouts. It's not the easiest, but it has been working. She also hates her diaper changes, which I guess is common at that age.

I've been sick with pnuemonia for over 3 weeks now. I'm (hopefully) mostly recovered at this point and back to work, but still coughing and questionable at times. I've barely moved and certainly not exercised in that entire time. But I don't want to push myself because this sucks. It's unexplainable how tired and unwell I feel even if I look and seem ok. ugh! No fun! Finished Round 2 of antibiotics yesterday.

And... we are moving into our new house on Saturday!!! My in-laws are flying in to help us pack and babysit and unpack and clean and everything and it's going to suck so much less than usual! Hooray!! The movers come Saturday and I'm hoping my inlaws are ok with packing everything in the house because I will be at work and someone will have to take care of Double while the rest packs... We haven't so much as put one thing into a box yet, so hopefully they will get it all done in just 2 days! Ack! Not looking forward to the stress, but thankful they will be helping us!

Thoughts about my fears during pregnancy...

Beyond the normal fears of worrying that the baby might not be okay physically, one of my greatest fears about having a child was that I would not know when she was sick, when to take her to the doctor, when to feed her, what to feed her, how to feed her, etc. I was concerned that I would do things like ignore her symptoms when she was sick and then she'd be suffering and I would just let her without taking her to the doctor until things were really bad.

Or I was concerned that she'd be hungry for solid food when she got older and I'd forget to feed her. Or that I would forget to change her or put her in new clothes and she'd be in gross dirty ones for days. I was concerned I wouldn't remember to bathe her and the list goes on. So I read every parenting book I could and took classes to learn how to care for a baby because I felt completely unprepared for actually caring for another human being.

The classes and books definitely helped me be prepared, but, as it turns out, it wasn't quite as difficult to remember to do all these things as I thought. For one thing, I am a creature of habit who thrives on routine. Once we worked out a routine for bath, bed time, changing clothes and diapers, food, etc. it became easier to remember to do things. Also, having a routine and structure helped me to know what my baby needed. I could deduct since she hadn't eaten in awhile that she was probably hungry when she cried. If she cried at a strange time I could assume she might be sick.

It turns out that mothering and remembering to care for your child is quite instinctual. It's the first thing I think about more often than not. As the routines have changed over time - more time between feedings, switching over to solid food instead of milk - it did take some time to get used to the new routine. For example, when we started to switch her to eating more solid foods we had to really experiment with when, how much, and what to feed her. Now, though, we have a breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and dinner routine. But it took a month or so to get into it (and to remember to do it!).

I'm glad to know that my fears were mostly unfounded. It's pretty easy to tell when your child is sick. It's obvious when she gets red spots all over her body that weren't there before or when she feels warmer than usual or has a cold and snot is pouring out of her nose. And the advice nurses are so helpful at helping you know what to do in those situations--whether you need to bring her in, what to watch for. So you don't have to know everything. We still have a routine and I still read about parenting, but now it's more specific to what we are experience in this new stage of her life and I feel so much more confident that I know what she needs, since now I know my child pretty well and what she is most likely crying about.

The end of an era

My little girl is growing up. She's now more than a year old and we are adjusting accordingly.

She is a little sponge. She holds phones and earbuds up to her ear and is becoming a master of imitation. It's amazing how much she sees and understands. I try to talk to her like she can understand me and I'm fairly confident she actually does. It's kind of like talking to someone who has lost their ability to speak but still hears every word you say.

We just got back from my baby brother's wedding! Aww! So sweet! It was wonderful to be around family. They are so sweet together. Unfortunately, though, Amelia got pretty sick. She stopped eating much right before we left--she was just getting over a cold and a new tooth was coming in. So we figured that was related. Then, she had horrific diahrrea and pretty much all she would eat or drink was breastmilk straight from the tap (and not a bottle). So for days I was nursing her around the clock like a newborn. And, because everything distracts her and she was disturbed by being a new place around tons of new people and totally sick, she needed to be nursed in a dark, quiet room every time. And, let me tell you, that was no picnic. Fortunately, my mother-in-law and brother's mother-in-law were available to step in to help quite a bit.

She's also started this attachment thing where she's getting very attached to me in particular, but both Aaron and I in general. Also, she's got a few toys she carries around with her everywhere that she's very attached to. This was all very new when we were on our trip. She would cry anytime I'd walk by and reach for me, but when I wasn't around she was totally fine.

She's walking very well and has really started getting a kick out of being around people. She loves to walk around with a few adults watching her and then clap for them and get them to clap too. She laughs and smiles and claps like she's trying to get people to do it too. It's so cute!

And, finally, she's now eating most of her meals as actual solid foods. Which means she's not nursing that much and which means I've taken my 3-times-a-day pumping all the way down to 1, which feels a little sad! I've really enjoyed those pumping breaks and the knowledge that they were helping my baby be nourished. But now, she barely drinks breastmilk during the day and nurses in the morning and at night. I think that will eventually be the only time we nurse, if at all. I know things are changing and headed towards a difference, but it's a bit of an adjustment and makes me a little sad. I'm glad, though, that she's growing up and learning so much. I love helping her learn. She's such a fun little sponge!

A House!

We put an offer on a house and it got accepted! Hooray! So now we have to go through all the mortgage mumbo jumbo, the inspection, and more. And then, maybe, just maybe we will have the perfect place to live! Hooray! It's beautiful and has been completely redone and has an AMAZING view of San Francisco and the bay. Yay!

Happy First Birthday, AJ!

My baby is 1 today. This time last year I was laying on the hospital bed getting cleaned up after a harrowing 8 hours of intense, painful labor. But, my baby was out and beautiful and she has changed our lives forever. She loved her first birthday party and went nuts with the cake!

Kids Stuff Swap in the East Bay on March 5, 2011! Yay!

I'm so excited to go to this Kindercycle swap of kids stuff on March 5, 2011 in Rockridge. We need clothes and boots and a winter coat for Amelia SO BADLY, so I hope it's really big and there are things in her size! I'll even take boys stuff at this point. She needs so much. She's outgrown just about everything and even the stuff I made for her she leaks onto. So, if you happen to be in the Bay Area, come out for the swap!

My Baby is Amazing!

I love my baby girl so much! She is almost one year old! I can't believe it!

She is so much fun. She is starting to walk and she is alert and excited about everything. I love watching her learn to walk--it's amazing this journey that we take for granted. She literally started as a blank slate and has learned some words, learned how to control her hands, arms, legs, head, mouth, eyes, voice, and more. She is learning to walk and watching her try and stumble is such an exciting journey. I would say there are almost no downsides to this. Sure, I get bloody nipples from her testing out her new tooth while nursing and it isn't fun when she struggles during diaper changes, but it just shows how newly independent and interested she is in all the new things in her world.

And it is so fun to watch. I love watching her play. I love watching her clap. I love watching her crawl, walk, explore--everything. It is SO MUCH FUN!

She is such a delightful girl and I am so thrilled to be her momma. We are going to have great fun together!

One year later: My perspective on minimal baby stuff

So over a year ago (OMG has it been a year already?!) I posted this post on having and raising a baby with minimal stuff.

In short I'd like to say, I was right. But, there are a few things that weren't quite what I expected.

First, the crib. We used the co-sleeper in our room for the first 7 weeks, then I realized something. It sucked to breastfeed in bed. It wasn't at all easy or natural for me to breastfeed a very TINY baby by lying down. She can't get to your breast very easily and you have to really figure out how to hold her head, plus you have to change the diaper and the whole bit and you kind of need light for that, so in the end it was way easier for me to get up, feed her in the living room with light on where I could read a book (without having to figure out some kind of complicated book light and sit up in bed with my husband sleeping next to me). We also left the changing pad in the living room, too, so night time changes were MUCH faster that way.

After 7 weeks, I started having serious insomnia (related to my post partum depression, which you can read lots about on this blog) and it made more sense for Amelia to be moved to her own room. That transition really worked fine. We could easily hear her if she cried in the middle of the night (without a baby monitor, thank you very much) and it was nice to have my room back (I could go in and get clothes in the middle of the day without disturbing her nap!)

I suppose if you were brave you could just let your baby sleep on the bed, but ours is very high off the ground and it really terrified me to try that. When we went on vacation when she was 2 months old, though, we did just put a small mattress on the floor that she slept on without issue. When she got to be about 5 or 6 months, though, she rolled around a lot and that wouldn't have worked any more (nor would the bed). We put a crib in her room when she was about 7 months old (borrowed from a friend).

The changing pad on the floor has been fabulous for so many reasons. We could move it all around the house. Now that Amelia is mobile and wants to squirm out of her diaper changes, I'm SO glad it's on the floor. I wouldn't want her squirming around from a high place. Friends of mine got a changing table that is also a dresser for their baby and it fit neatly into a sliding-door closet, so that's another way you could do it.

We did end up using regular wipes, for convenience sake. However, we do still use home made ones from time to time, especially when her little butt is red or seems irritated. Cloth diapers have been fabulous and I love them!

And now, for the toys. I thought they were useless. I resisted. I hated them and their bright colors. And then I saw how much she loved them. And it was suddenly fun to watch her play with them. She loved the activity play gym (I resisted this one, but she LOVED it and it was SO CUTE!). She loved the bouncer (and it was a Godsend. We both loved it. So nice to help her see out a bit when she's small without having to constantly hold her or put her on the ground. I have to admit, she also really likes ones that make noise. I can put up with ones that make a *little* noise and that's all she's going to get. Too bad, so sad. But she really does love them.

The swing was not my favorite, but my husband swore this worked for getting her to take naps (he took care of her while I worked during the day). Personally, I think it's unnecessary.

Also unnecessary:
* Excersaucer. It helps. It was kinda fun. She liked it. But, it's huge and we could live without it. Although it IS good now that she is mobile for putting her in for a few minutes while I do something else so I don't have to chase her the entire time.
* Rocking/swing chairs. It's helpful to having something like that, but I had a Poang from Ikea and it works just as well. Those special rocking things are nice, but definitely not necessary.
* Decorations. We have yet to decorate her room. We still rent anyway. We have a few cute things hanging up that we got as gifts.

Totally necessary:
* Changing pad. Get it. It's worth it. Get at least 2 covers, 3 if you can help it. Okay, so you can live without this, but it's really, really nice to have.
* My Breast Friend pillow. Invaluable. It eliminates the need for fancy chairs and furniture and makes feeding tiny babies SO MUCH EASIER. Worth the extra money and saves on furniture and back problem costs!
* Burp cloths. No really. Doesn't have to be the cute, fancy kind, but it's really nice to have something designated as a burp cloth. We really did go through 4 or 5 in a day sometimes.
* Hard books. She likes to eat the other ones. And she loves playing with the thick ones. Good small space toys!
* Layering clothes - you have to change them a fair amount. It's nice not to have to do laundry constantly. You could probably get away with 5 onesies and 5 sleepers and that would be fine. You'll probably get them as gifts anyway.
* Nursing pads (reusable--it's nice to have at least 5 pairs, but you could definitely do well with less)
* Baby bath - doesn't have to be crazy, but you really will need something to bathe them in when they are small. We couldn't bathe her in the actual tub until she was 10 months old.
* Non-slip bath mat for the tub (for when she is able to sit up in the actual bath tub), but you won't need this for awhile.

I think that about covers it. Raising a baby minimally is totally possible, but some things are definitely more necessary than others. Mostly you really don't need much. Some are nice to haves. But overall, if you don't have most of the crap they say you need, you will be fine. We have! We bought only a few diapers, the pump, and stroller (with gift cards) and the rest were all gifts, borrowed, or hand me downs. Or, I made them myself. I'm proud to say that we have very little baby stuff because we gave it back or didn't buy it in the first place!

Zoloft is Awesome!

One of these days I'll get back to posting about my baby (she's sprouting her first tooth S-L-O-W-L-Y and she is active and crazy and throwing tantrums and tons of fun!), but for now I still have so much to say about my recovery.

I'm taking Zoloft. I'm feeling better. A lot better. I'm also sleeping well, so that helps. When I have a bad night, I feel ok during the day--tired and exhausted sure, but not as exhausted as I used to and much, MUCH more positive. I am starting to feel like I'm not in the tunnel any more. I feel almost normal. Almost like myself again. This is so exciting and amazing! It's subtle, but it's making a huge difference. I really felt like I was in a cloud and now I feel like I can be positive, even when things aren't feeling so great, physically. Maybe this has to do with my taking some time off of work, but I have had days off before (like around Christmas) and I did not feel like this. I felt tired and I didn't realize how depressed I was until now. I don't feel it anymore, which makes me know that I'm actually coming out of it. I guess you don't know you're depressed until you come out of it? It's amazing the difference. The "hormones" that I thought I was feeling seem like they were depression. Now, they do anyway. I didn't think so before.

My anxiety still flares from time to time, but now I can get a handle on it through praying and deep breathing and I'm doing so much better! I am so thankful that this is working! What an answer to prayer!

Today is a Good Day

Just on the heels of two bad ones in a row comes a good day.

What makes it a good day? That's what my therapist asked me. Basically it boils down to: I have energy and I feel happy. I feel like there is light in the tunnel. Or maybe like I'm out of the tunnel. I feel lighter and it feels like there are possibilities--like maybe I could make or do something. I can concentrate. I don't feel fear or anxiety. I don't feel sad or depressed. I got good sleep last night. I'm not worried about my sleep tonight (because I don't have to work tomorrow). I feel thankful and happy that I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't mind working. I am able to work well and effectively without feeling incompetent.

Amelia took her first steps on Saturday! She is getting so big! I love her so much.

Lately I've been struggling with accepting my new life. I'm not going to be able to get things I want to done. I have to accept that. I'm not going to be able to go out with my friends until I feel ready. I'm happy to accept that, but a little sad that I am missing my friends. I am having the most trouble realizing I won't get to sew much in the near future. I didn't mind so much when I accepted this to be the case. But now I REALLY want to sew some things and it's tough to accept this as reality. I was okay with it for the first year. Now I'm itching to get stuff made! But, trying to get sewing done is just too stressful. I can't put pressure on myself to get things done. It is just too much. I need to focus on what I need to/have to do: work, take care of my baby, and take care of myself. Anything beyond that needs to just go to the wayside for now. And I need to make my peace with that... and yet I still hold out hope!

From Postpartum Progress: 20 Things I Never Want to Hear Again about PPD

I actually laughed out loud for some of these. If you've ever dealt with this, you can probably relate.

My Baby Can Communicate!

So within the last 2 days, Amelia has started pointing! I know this may not seem like a lot, but to me this is an amazingly huge thing.

See, I am a communicator. Let's break it down. I MAJORED in communication for both undergraduate and graduate school. I am an infamous chatterbox. I communicate for a LIVING (in fact, my profession is called "Technical Communicator"). I write 2 BLOGS. I am a social butterfly (which means I connect to people via lots of communication).

Yes, I'd say communication is my forte.

Which means that you can imagine how I've been waiting for my little sponge of a baby to start interacting back with me. And every time she has interacted--laughing, smiling, playing, even crying--I have celebrated that she has communicated with me and let me know what she needs/likes/dislikes. A few months ago she learned a few sign language signals--milk (which she subsequently used to mean tired, hungry, AND milk) and bye-bye. At one point she could do more, but I think we overloaded her brain. In the last month she started saying "Ma" by which I think she means "milk." Since it's the first hand sign she learned and pretty much the only thing she feels strongly about when it's absent, it makes sense it would be her first word. And she's been communicating with us by turning her head when she doesn't want food or, more recently, pushing away things she doesn't want.

And now, she can point! To everything! Two days ago she pointed to her water and then she drank it! Yesterday she pointed to her pacifier. Today she pointed to a water bottle she wanted to play with. It's amazing! She is truly able to tell us what she wants. And, it's also exciting that she clearly understand things now. She knows who mommy is, who daddy is, what the kitty is, what milk is, and more! It's amazing! And it feels like such a breakthrough. We can finally get a teeny tiny window into Amelia's world now that she can "talk back." And it is so exciting and refreshing.

Reflecting on 2010

Well I can safely say that 2010 was the most life-changing year of my life. It had the highest highs, some of the lowest lows, and some of the most interesting challenges. I've had to learn to wait on God and to totally relinquish control. I couldn't choose when the baby came or how and she did and it was wonderful. I couldn't choose how my body responded or how long it is taking to get better and I am still surviving. And I couldn't imagine how much I love and cherish my sweet daughter more than anything I have ever known. She is amazing and fun and cute and I cannot get enough! I love showing her off, seeing her newest tricks and watching her learn.

It was an unforgettable year.

Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.

I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)

Today is a Bad Day

I wish I had good news to report, but instead all the happy days get overshadowed where there is one like this. I am depressed today. There is no other way to describe it. I just want to cry and cry and cry and wallow in it. I feel terrible. I am mentally and physically exhuasted. I can't express emotion. I can't eat. I can't function. I just want to hold my baby and bawl my eyes out. I just want to be relieved of this misery. I will do anything--ANYTHING. I have been suffering for so long and I'm just so tired of it. So so tired. and so depressed. My body is working against me. I feel like it hates me and I just want to kill it. I want a new one that doesn't trap me with fatigue. One that sleeps and gets rest. I can take pain and aches and problems, but not this. This is the worst thing I can think of outside of a terminal illness and death. Why can't I get better? Why isn't this getting better? I don't know what to do anymore and my thoughts are veering dark...

What Is Motherhood?

Merry Belated Christmas to all! In general things are good here. Christmas was just us three in Oakland this year. I wish family could be around, but I'm SO glad I didn't have to travel and get into any bad (read: cold) weather! It was also nice to just have a few days of relaxing time at home off of work. It certainly helped me feel less anxious and more relaxed. The days haven't all been perfect, but I think what I'm finally learning is what my new life is going to be like.

My only preconcieved notion of motherhood was that it IS possible to do it all--that the baby doesn't have to change you. I have read so much about the disillusionment of motherhood. About how the baby rips you from the life you once had and suddenly you are a totally different person and you lose your sense of self, etc. But, I continued to believe that this only happens if you let it. I read an article about the loss of self related to motherhood after having Amelia and I thought, "These people are silly. Why did they let it get to them? I will never be like that." And when my previously cool friends turned into overprotective, child-obsessed people I scoffed. But, now that I've had some time to really get used to Amelia in my life--to really see what my life is and what it will be like for the next many years, it's a real eye-opener.

Yes, I've lost my sense of self--sort of. I'm still me, but unlike what I expected, I REALLY want to be around my baby ALL the time. She is cool and funny and really friggin cute. I think I hold on to her so much because I see how rapidly she is changing and I want to hang on to every minute when she is sweet and adorable and small and smiley. I know it won't last forever. I see her changing before my eyes. One day away at work and I come home and notice her face is different and her hair is longer and she's doing something new. It really makes me want to spend every waking second with her. My interests and hobbies have taken a backseat to this. As she gets older, I think it will get easier. She won't change as rapidly and she'll be easier to take places. For now, it's easier just to be home and hang out--as boring as it sounds. And, I hate to be away from her, partly because I work so many of her waking hours and partly because I don't want to miss any more than I have to.

Then there's the nursing. In a previous post I said that it makes me tired. So even when Amelia's asleep, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just so tired! I love nursing and I LOVE that it allows me to eat anything and still drop pounds, but it definitely makes it hard to go anywhere in the evening. That and, of course, my sleeping issues, which are gradually getting better. I think I'm finally learning that it's okay to have a bad night here and there and that it happens. It's best if I don't let it ruin my day, but it can be hard not to let it get to me. And then, for most parents whose baby doesn't even sleep through the night, the thought must go through their minds, "Why would I waste time going out tonight, when I could be sleeping?!" You have to take advantage of it while you can! And, even if I did want to go out, Amelia would be up at 7:30, pretty much destroying any possibility for me to sleep in. I think that going out will have to wait a few years.

As for bringing her places--that can be tough, too. It's not that hard to bring her places, but it can take some effort. She requires a lot of stuff--diaper bag, pacifier, food, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. And I can totally manage that. But what is tough is when she is moving and getting into things and I have to keep an eye on her. I really can't just let her roam free--not yet. She's too young to understand she could choke or electrocute herself or pull something heavy on top of her. This makes it really hard to take her places. Add to that the lack of energy and you are starting to get the picture.

All this and I have an EASY baby. I mean, the EASIEST! She is mellow, easy-going, relaxed, and fine in 90% of situations, but it's still hard. Even putting all this on paper, I still can't figure out what, exactly, makes it so dang hard... But I do see now why people think it is attractive to go out without your children or to stay in with them! And I do think that I am finally starting to understand that Amelia is forever. She's not just a fun novelty toy (duh! but that's kind of the image I had in my head of me with a baby) that I'll get to hug forever. She's a real person and I'm only now starting to see how responsible for her I am. And, even more, I'm starting to see how I am a totally normal and (I think) super cool person and I am a mother. And I never really thought that about mine or any other mothers. But now I think I am coming around. I am starting to really see the sacrifice and work that goes into it and I'm really appreciative of all the women who have done this for years. Mothers are friggin' amazing! And, to think they didn't even have as much help as I did! I'm lucky and blessed and I know it, but dang motherhood is definitely turning out to be an adventure unlike anything I ever expected or experienced!

PS: I think having a dog actually WOULD prepare you for having a kid. It's a similar dynamic. You have to put in the effort to train, walk, feed, and water them AND it's long term AND you have to find a dog-sitter for when you want to go out. Big difference on the sleep, nursing, and hormones front though. :-)

Nursing Makes Me Tired?

So I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I've been feeling so tired and low energy lately. I keep thinking this is a result of my anxiety. When I was pregnant I felt tired and low energy a lot of the time and it had to do with my incubating a small human. But now I wonder if there's something wrong with me and why I feel almost the same as when I was pregnant tired. My brain feels asleep at times and, even when I get lots of sleep, I just feel like I want to lay on the couch and watch a good movie.

I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!