So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.
It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.
Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.
And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.
When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.
But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Doing pretty good....
Got past the move. Now onto life. Last week was pretty tough, but after a discussion with my psychiatrist, I learned that it can take up to 3 months to feel settled in a new place and to give myself a break if my anxiety isn't fully in check yet. I'm inclined to agree. Every weekend I learn a little more about the neighborhood and where things are.
Something really good did come out of last week's difficulties: I reached out to some local resources and was able to get hooked up with a PPD support group and a low-cost therapist who has a PPD specialty. I also got hooked up with a lady who's been through this before AND has come through it twice. She's really been an encouragement to me. And I'm learning to be positive and have a positive mindset. I'm reading a really good book that talks about Christians turning to God for everything and I'm really trying to let go and believe that God 1) will end this for me and 2) will make something good come out of it. And, I've been doing very well the last few days and I feel pretty well physically, which is good, too.
Saturday we went to the local farmer's market and I joined the nearby gym (thanks, Work, for the subsidy!). Saturday I ran around the lake. Sunday I worked out at the gym, since it rained. We went to our local Babies R Us and Trader Joes and even squeezed in some time to hang out with friends (Amelia went to her first pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving!). :-)
Our new place is proving to be pretty great. It looks tidy most of the time because the living room is a bit wider--even with all the baby stuff. That's a relief! And because of the mirrors in the bedroom and everything staying pretty well in the place it has, it looks neat all the time. I love that! Also, it might have something to do with the fact that I actually have time to tidy up when I get home from work. And get meals ready for the next day. What a luxury!
The picture is of the area our new apartment is near. We live to the right of the picture, right on the edge in the lower hills. As you can see, it's really pretty!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Post Partum Depression Resources
In case anyone reading this is dealing with PPD and needs some help, I found a really great blog on it online called Postpartum Progress. It even led me to a local person who runs a PPD support group that I will probably join (hooray!) and has many links for local resources, if you are suffering from that at all.
After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.
The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.
I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.
At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!
Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.
On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?
Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)
After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.
The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.
I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.
At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!
Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.
On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?
Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)
You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Ups and Downs
Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My New Life!
Praise Jesus, the hard part is over. My GOD! Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, I know, moving is generally hard and sucks. But this move in particular was a huge stressor for me. You all know why. I write and write about it to death. To sum up: anxiety issues, baby, crazy long work schedule, sleep problems, blah, blah, blah.
But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.
First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.
Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!
So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).
Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.
Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.
The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!
This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)
So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!
But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.
First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.
Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!
So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).
Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.
Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.
The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!
This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)
So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I have a mental illness
Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Amelia's first everything!
So the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for our family. And the craziness is only half over. We have to move next. But that's another story... Amelia took her first plane ride 2 Wednesday's ago when we took her back to Indiana for a wedding. She ended up taking a total of 4 plane rides before the end of last week. She did mostly great except on one where she was up very late at night and did not want to go to sleep. She met her giant extended family there and got passed off to about a billion cousins and aunts and friends and random people and she did great! She met her cousin Wilson for the first time (see photo above). He's just 2 months younger than she is.
My parents and extended family also came up to meet/see Amelia. We did a dedication for her at the church where we got married and invited lots of family and friends to come. It ended up being more than 50 people that came to see her and us!
We got to see some new and interesting aspects of Amelia's personality that we didn't know and it helped to have our moms there to give some perspective. For one, she LOVES attention from people. Even from our first hour in the airport she would stare people down and smile at them, hoping to get their attention. I have no doubts that when she can talk she'll be saying, "hey! Hey you! Look at me! Look over here!" She smiled at everyone and just loved being the center of it all. She smiled for the camera pretty much every time and really hammed it up. Adorable. And, not surprisingly, my mom said that's how I was when I was a baby. Yep. Not surprised. Needs and loves attention. Shocking!
She also is sitting up pretty good now and is going to crawl any day now. She's regularly eating solid foods and really doing a great job with that. Unfortunately, she is still suffering from her first cold. The whole family got sick the last 2 days of vacation--we think from passing her around and kissing her over and over again--lots of people, lots of kissing. It's like she's a magnet for germs. Strangely, she didn't get sick until she caught it from me. She tried to put my nose in her mouth when it was runny and, yeah, gross, she got it the next day. Also not surprising. But sad because she has a cough and is all stuffed up. Poor baby! She's also having some issues with sleeping because of it too. Thankfully it isn't affecting me too terribly though.
The trip overall was pretty stressful for me. It pushed me to the limits of my anxiety. But, I didn't have trouble sleeping and that means I coped with it well an my coping skills are improving. I even slept on an air mattress in the same room as the baby! Good for me! Thanks also to my amazing husband who helped out when things were really hard for me and still is.
Hopefully once we get through Amelia's first move (this Sunday) we will be able to get back into a routine and I can again taper down my meds even more without issue. The road to recovery is slow, but there is hope! And I'm getting close!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
More on Recovery
Today I'm having a bad day and I need to get it out.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A letter to Amelia
Dear Amelia,
Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.
We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.
Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.
Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.
Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!
Love,
Mom
Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.
We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.
Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.
Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.
Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!
Love,
Mom
Thursday, September 2, 2010
What It's Like to Be a Mom
Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.
It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.
So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Perhaps I spoke too quickly
Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.
Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.
Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.
I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.
The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.
Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.
Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.
Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.
I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.
The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.
Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!
So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Cloth Diaper Review: All the Cloth Diapers I've Tried vs. Disposable
So... yeah, I thought I'd try to help out some new moms out there who are deciding whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers and, if cloth, what the heck to use... I feel like I've tried nearly everything by now and have some insight. My baby is currently 5.5 months old.
Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.
Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!
Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.
Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.
Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.
Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.
That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!
Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.
Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!
Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.
Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.
Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.
Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.
That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!
Getting so much better!
So, I just wanted to give you all a quick update. Gotta get back to work.
But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.
I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!
So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!
So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!
This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!
Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!
But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.
I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!
So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!
So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!
This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!
Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is
So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Looking Behind No More
It's so interesting to me that I have a new job. I can't believe it. I'm not talking about the job of being a mother. I'm talking about a new job for pay that I'm currently working at right now.
It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!
I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.
But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.
I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.
It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!
I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.
But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.
I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.
You know you're a mom when...
...You get really excited about purchasing and getting new cloth diapers in the mail and you can't wait to do the laundry so you can use them!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Adorable Amelia!
She did the cutest thing ever last night. After I fed her, she blew raspberries at me, so I blew some back and she giggled. That made me laugh which started an escalation of laughter from her and me at the same time. Every time I laughed, she laughed and it was the most amazing thing ever! I loved every second of it and it's been causing me to smile all day long.
What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!
What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Update on me
Well, my baby is getting so big these days. She's already 4.5 months old! I return to work very soon on July 28th to a new job! Yay me! As you can tell lots has been happening. I'm discharging from the PPD group today and start work a week from today, so a lot of time and preparation has gone into both. I quit my old job on Monday next week.
So going from old to new and opening a new chapter in my life. At least that's what it feels like. Still need to work out the meds and life still has it's ups and downs, but at least I'm sleeping with the help of some very strong benzos (hoping to replace them eventually with some kind of SSRI). So that's all good, but confusing. At any rate, thought I'd update you. Much has happened and I really haven't had any extra time to write on here. I might have some time now that I'm about to start work, although, I think it's going to be pretty demanding, so you might not get too frequent of updates. Amelia's doing great though!
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