Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...

So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.

I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.

Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.

Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!

Self-doubt!

So, the sleeping is starting to get better. I am sleeping every night now, either with the help of drugs or (in the case of one night), on my own! I'm working on relaxation techniques and other things to try to help me sleep each night naturally without drugs. After a period of time if I don't feel like I'm sleeping, I take something. Lately, I've been taking Benadryl and occasionally taking the Xanax, but I think that the Xanax actually ends up making me feel MORE anxious after I take it, so I've decided to avoid taking it if at all possible from now on.

Amelia is doing pretty well on our trip, but it's occurring to me that I feel some anxiety about being a parent. I wasn't aware how much I would worry about how she is doing. She is the happiest baby ever, so I constantly wonder, is she eating enough? Is she hungry? Tired? Am I stressing her out? I wonder because she isn't crying, which I guess means everything is just fine. But, this vacation is making me constantly wonder if I'm doing things "right." I worry about my baby and am constantly filled with self-doubt! Then, it hit me the other day: Parenting isn't an exact science, you just have to do the best you can. Huh. I guess that means I have to get over myself. But at the same time, being totally responsible for a tiny, helpless human being puts a great weight of responsibility on your shoulders and I feel a lot like I'm unprepared to care for someone so much. I feel like this is maybe a big reason I have trouble sleeping. Even though I don't think I'm that anxious, I often do struggle with concerns related to new motherhood and as a result the stress and tension I feel in my body makes it hard for me to relax. It's good to have knowledge of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling and hopefully I'll be able to go home to a good new mother group that will help me deal with these new mother anxieties.

Found drugs, but what about Milk?

So, I've been working with the doctor to find all kinds of fun drugs that will help me out--Xanax, Ambien, Benadryl. They sorta work, but they are working for 5 maybe 6 hours at a time. And I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to work a bit to get back to sleep. Then I get up, feed Amelia and can't go back to sleep. I guess I am grateful for that much sleep and I feel like I'm starting to get used to it, so I suppose that's okay. I do eventually get better at dealing with sleep deprivation, I remember. Although, it's been years since I've lived that way and each time it was only temporary.

I'm a bit terrified by the horror stories of people I know. One person I know says she is 15 months post-partum and still dealing with insomnia. Is this the way it is? How am I supposed to enjoy the early years of my baby and deal with this?! An argument for adoption or surrogacy if I ever heard one. A friend of mine reminded me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My body is torturing me! How is this fair? I'm beginning to live in fear of never being able to sleep without help again. I've been too scared to try for a week now...

In the meantime, I *think* my milk supply is okay, but I'm starting to wonder because Amelia is nursing sloooooowly. She's awake way more during the day these days and naps maybe 3-4 times a day, but when she nurses, she practically passes out. And, my boob feels really flat. I asked the dr. how you know when you are out of milk and she said when it feels flat, but it feels flat all the time. I can't tell a difference.

My doula told me that at 2 months, your body starts to produce milk on demand rather than by hormones, so possibly this is what;s happening. When I pumped the last couple days, I didn't get as much out as usual and I'm starting to get a bit concerned that maybe all these sleeping drugs, or possibly my sleep deprivation or both, are interfering with my supply. We are about to leave on a 3 week road trip around the Pacific Northwest and I am bringing my pump, but how will I really know if I need to pump to get my supply up? I don't really have any way of weighing Amelia... maybe I can find a place...

Anyway, the sleep is getting better, and hopefully will continue to improve. Pray for me if you would and I'll let you know if and when it changes. I feel so betrayed by my body!

The Mother Experience

While I did finally get some sleep each night since my last post, some days it hasn't been much and my post-partum insomnia continues to haunt me. I've started taking Benadryl nightly as well as sleeping in a separate bedroom. That is, until I decided it was time to put Amelia in her own room. So we moved everything around and then I had trouble sleeping again last night. For some reason the idea of sleeping in my own bed bothers me. Maybe it's because I continue to anticipate that my husband will somehow wake me up, either by getting into bed later or shifting in his sleep, or who knows? I left my bedroom and slept on the futon last night, which had previously been in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping, but which is now Amelia's room. And I finally got to sleep hours later. This, after I'd taken 2 Benadryl. In the end I got about 5 hours sleep in total after getting up to feed her and going back to bed, and getting up to feed her, and going back to bed.

It's clear that all this sleep deprivation is still affecting me negatively. Today I started to feel symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety I've already been clearly feeling--about the baby, about my sleeping--about everything, it seems. Despite my efforts, I'm still struggling, so I talked to the Dr. today and she prescribed me Xanax. I've read it's not good to take while breastfeeding. According to her, though, this is totally fine to take for a short period of time while breastfeeding. I will take it, see how it goes, and if I end up taking it frequently, we will explore my taking a longer-term medication.

Part of this, I felt, might be related to the fact that I haven't been able to have a true "mother experience" in my definition of the word. My husband is unemployed and home all the time, which is fantastic for me. I can just jet out on an errand and he'll be home to watch her. I can work out during the day on my own and get regular breaks. But in a way this makes me feel a bit guilty, too. All my new-mother friends are struggling on their own while their husbands are away at work and I have barely spent more than a few hours at a time caring for my baby alone. I feel a bit left out, even though I know I am actually very blessed. So, today I had Aaron leave the house so I could take some time caring for my baby on my own. And I did. And she got her shots today for her 2 month appointment. That feels like maybe it was a mistake because she was super fussy.

Anyway, hopefully the Xanax will help me and I will be able to relax and sleep fine from now on.

Wicked Insomnia

I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.

Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.

But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!

Amelia Smiles!

So we finally got Amelia to smile at us! And we got it a little later on video. This is a bit long (2 minutes) and she smiles at the very end. Also, I was talking the entire time and my voice is LOUD on this video, so you should definitely turn your volume down or off.

Buy the My Brest Friend and an update on me

So, I just have to recommend one more baby product (actually a post-partum product). If you are breastfeeding, you MUST get the My Brest Friend pillow. Please, PLEASE don't waste your time with Boppy's or other pillows. The My Brest Friend, is now my best friend. Now, my posture is better, I'm not man-handling my baby while feeding her and we are both so much happier. Now I only need one pillow instead of the 3 or 4 or I was using to compensate for the stupid Boppy. Argh.

Also, I was reading through my post last week about how I'm feeling and I thought I would update you on my aches and pains. What a difference a week makes!

I'm doing way better in so many ways. For one, I'm not getting night sweats any more (hallelujah!). For another, my Aunt Flow is on her way out! Hooray. And, Aaron feeding Amelia in the middle of the night has provided me so much uninterrupted sleep (7+ hours a night!) that I've been able to do some kind of "workout" during the day every day this week--walking several miles (not quite up to the 3.5 yet), some simple weight workouts, the Wii Fit, etc. Plus, I've been able to get up and do things during the day quite a bit! Amazing! Actually, Amelia slept 7 straight hours last night, which we aren't supposed to let her do, but she always woke up before to eat, so we were surprised she didn't last night.

I haven't had a migraine in about a week and I've only taken medication to prevent one twice. I was finally able to go shopping to buy clothes to fit my new body and now I actually look nice in regular clothes (because I now have some that fit) and I have a whole new body image. When I was pregnant I learned a valuable lesson: if I just eat when I'm hungry and try to be healthy, my body will stabilize itself. This is what I did during pregnancy and I gained exactly the right amount of weight--not more. So, I'm using this valuable lesson now to guide me to the weight I should be at now.

*Holding up my right hand* I pledge to love my body at the size it's at and because it gave me my beautiful daughter. Size means nothing, and properly fitting clothes will help me feel good about myself no matter the size. I pledge to eat what I want and to make healthy, nourishing choices. I will not hate my body or my size or myself and I will not diet. I will trust that my body will tell me what I need and I will act accordingly and not second-guess it. Amen.

Reflection on One Month with a Baby...

So, Amelia is 1 month old today! My my, how time flies. Except, in this case, it doesn't feel like it's been longer or shorter--it feels exactly right.

In thinking about all I've been through in this month, I thought I'd share some of my reflections on it with you. As you can imagine being a new parent is a bit of an adjustment, but not in the ways I expected.

Having a baby is pretty much what I thought it would be. You feed her, change her, put her to bed, try to figure out why she is crying, etc. I've never NOT heard a new parent say, "It is so hard. You have no idea how hard" and I'm trying hard not to say it. Really, it is pretty straightforward and fairly simple. The hard part comes from all the other things: trying to keep the house clean or assume some semblance of your regular life. Again, that isn't totally because of the baby. It is related--getting used to the new schedule, the weird sleeping hours--all of those make a difference. But the biggest thing that makes it tough? The recovery process. All those hormones still raging, the challenge of breastfeeding and the drain of your milk coming in and out, and recovering from labor--difficulty walking, fatigue, etc.

The first week was easier than subsequent weeks, but that is because it's all so new and exciting--we had lots of visitors, I was so thrilled about my new baby, my milk hadn't come in yet, and I had a lot of people I could draw on for help if I needed it. Not to mention how amazing my husband has been through all of this. But the sleep deprivation hadn't started yet or fully hit. 2 or 3 days of sleep deprivation is a lot less draining than 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 months. The hardest part about the first week was how scary everything felt. I didn't want to leave the hospital where people came by to check on me and see how I felt and could be at my beck and call to help with the baby any time I needed it. When we got home I sort of thought, What next? Sure I knew sort of what to do, but I wasn't totally sure how it would go or if I could handle it and I was basically in survival mode until my mom came, when I finally felt like I could relax.

And thank God she was here, because the next few weeks were a bit harder than I thought. Sure at 5 days and 1.5 weeks I took Amelia out for walks and errands and at 2 weeks went on a long walk and so on but for a lot of that time everything about how to take care of her was trial and error. I could hardly move off the couch most of the days and I didn't want to go anywhere. I had a few mental breakdowns. And, for most people who know me, you KNOW I am not the kind of person who wants to sit around the house and do nothing. But for the 2nd and 3rd week, I was basically exhausted. Kind of like being home sick from work. If it hadn't been for my mom, nothing in my house would have been clean (including clothes) and I would not have gotten proper nutrition. Decent, but not great. She made amazing meals for us. As did many of our friends who helped us all out during those weeks.

During the last week my mom was here I was able to start doing things again. I did laundry one day, was able to run an errand or two alone and with Amelia without too much trouble, and I learned that migraines were what was making me feel so bad the last few weeks. Amelia started sleeping better and so did I. And we finally have a rhythm down.

Now, we are on it. We have a routine and a rhythm and my husband is AMAZING. I could never have done it the first week without him, nor the subsequent weeks. And now, he is my partner. Without him I wouldn't be able to manage sewing some days, running errands, taking walks, and getting in some me time. Plus he is fantastic with the housework and feeds Amelia for me in the middle of the night. How lucky am I?

Thank God for how great it has been this month and for all the friends and family that have been so generous in helping me!

My favorite baby and post-partum products

Hey, all, so I thought I'd share with you my favorite baby and post-partum products so far. I'm so glad we have these things and I highly recommend them!

1. Giant, square receiving blanket - we like the Ultimate Swaddle Blanket. Most receiving blankets we have are nice, but not big enough for a proper swaddle. Be sure you have swaddling down to use this blanket properly. We like the swaddle by Dr. Karp, in the Happiest Baby on the Block (video and book)
2. Baby swaddler. Even if you can swaddle like a pro (and especially if you can't), this makes it SOOOOO much easier and faster. Amelia broke out of our other swaddles fast, but this thing is like a baby straight jacket. We bought 3.
3. Boppy Noggin Nest Head Support. You put your baby on her back to sleep, but then you have to remember to position her head (if she'll even cooperate). This eliminates that need to do that and position her head because it prevents a flat head. Her head lies cushily in the hole and she's all good!
4. Ergo Baby Carrier. Okay, we don't have this one yet, but I have completely lost faith in baby slings after seeing this news report and trying to put my newborn in one. It practically cut off her ability to breath, was difficult to get her in it and seemed very unsafe in general. So, we got out the baby bjorn. This was cool, however, in doing research comparing the Baby Bjorn with the Ergo, the Ergo is far better for lots of reasons: it's more ergonomic, has pouches to carry things in, can work until your child is well past the age you should be carrying them (and replaces those giant frame backpack carrier things), and you can use it to nurse in. Plus the Baby Bjorn isn't as ergonomic for you or baby and I read that it can harm baby spinal development. For all these reasons I think Ergo is the best choice. Just ordered one. Can't wait to see how it performs.
5. Soothie Pacifiers. Apparently babies LOVE (and I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE) to suck. Amelia was no exception and we used our finger until it became impractical. We switched to a pacifier after 2 weeks (and breastfeeding was well-established) and she could barely figure out how to use it. The reason we like this over the other kinds, is the lactation consultant told us that normal pacifiers (and NUK baby bottle nipples) teach babies how to bite down on things, so we tried this. Amelia loves it and there has been no biting thus far. The nipple is just like a bottle nipple, so it's not different than what she's used to.
6. Baby hats - get someone to knit some for you, because the knit ones are the BEST and cutest! I can post some patterns if anyone is interested.
7. Our Bumbleride stroller - amazing and works for newborns!
8. Changing pad and portable changing pads - we use these CONSTANTLY
9. Diaper covers and wool soakers - great if you can knit them yourself or even if you use the store bought kind. Couldn't do cloth diapers without them.
10. Any baby outfit that snaps down the legs and front AND includes feet and hand covers. Sure, onesies are great, but our baby often seems cold in them unless it's dead hot, which is hardly ever and I'm constantly trying to find something to cover her legs. These outfits are amazing. She hardly keeps the mittens and socks on, also, so anything that covers her hands and feet are great.

Other things I'm glad I have/made:
1. Waterproof mattress cover. Um, yeah, my mattress doesn't have plastic on it (I'm using an arm's reach co-sleeper) and we would be so screwed without this. It was so easy to make. SO easy. Made it of PUL.
2. Reusable wipes - we wet them with water before wiping her butt--a much better alternative for the environment and better for sensitive skin on baby butts. I will say that it's kind of a pain to keep them where you can wash them easily and to wash them and we seem to run out fast, so I'd make at least 50 if you were going to do it. I made wipe-sized squares out of an old receiving blanket and zig-zagged the edges with my machine.
3. Medela Advanced pump in style breast pump - GREAT pump. So far, it's been a huge help. I'll be pumping when I go back to work, so I'll have to let you know how that goes. Before this I used a manual pump, the Medela Harmony and it was also REALLY great--I highly recommend that one too.
4. Baby monitor - invaluable because we always have her nap in her crib. We tried having her nap in the living room, but that was hard on both of us - it overstimulated her and kept us constantly looking over to make sure she was okay. In the bedroom we know she's safe and contained and she gets used to sleeping in her own crib.

Post partum products:
1. Reusable nursing pads. You can buy these anywhere or make them yourself out of flannel or old receiving blankets (I made about 6 pairs out of both). They are AMAZING. They feel MUCH nicer than the disposable kinds and are easy to wear and reuse. Trust me, you will need these, at the very least for night time. It can be a very leaky time of day...
2. Nursing tanks. Seriously a life saver for the first few weeks and maybe beyond. I bought some nice nursing bras, but right now, while I fit into almost nothing, I wear the tanks daily with my comfy sweatpants or yoga pants or whatever. They might work when I go back to work, but I don't know. Right now they are great for feeding her every 3 hours during the day and night and surprisingly offer good support. Target sells them for a VERY reasonable price here. I prefer the side sling over the full sling or the lift up kind here. The full sling just looks and feels weird. If you want to spend more $$, you can get ones by Bravado and they are around $45, which I feel is too much. Sure they are nice, but Target's are basically the same thing for 1/3 the price.

How am I feeling?

So, I've got a lot of people asking me how I'm feeling and, in general, I feel pretty darn good. However, I think for once I'll share the nitty gritty details on how I'm REALLY feeling in the not-so-good moments. Keep in mind that overall I'm great, but these are the downsides...

So, the realities of my life these days has been that I'm in bed for 12 hours a day. I go to bed early, usually exhausted beyond belief and wake up a few hours later to feed Amelia. Then, the rest of the night is an up and down struggle between trying to sleep and feeding and changing her. Aaron typically will give her a bottle for one of the night feedings and I can get some sleep and I *think* we have finally worked out an arrangement where I get a straight 6-7 hours sleep and then a few extra hours later, so hopefully that continues and reduces my exhaustion.

When my milk first came in the first week is when I started having migraines. I was shocked to find out that breastfeeding literally, at first, sucked the life out of me. Or, so I thought. After a week or so of suffering horrible on and off headaches that I attributed to everything from extreme thirst and hunger to fatigue to bad breastfeeding posture, I saw a doctor who told me they were migraines and now I can appropriately treat them before they get really bad. That is such a relief. Sometimes when I overdo it, I still get them, but a lot less frequently than I did.

Other not-so-nice things that have been happening are INSANE night sweats. If you couldn't tell by the emphasis on the word insane in the last sentance, they are by far the worst I have ever had. I wake up literally drenched--like I took a bath in my bed. I wake up with my clothes and sheets soaked and cold. I tried changing once in the middle of the night, but the sheets were still soaked, soaking my dry clothes. So, now I say screw it and just pull the warm comforter over my head to keep warm.

I also hate that I can't really work out yet. I tried walking 3 miles the other day and one of those awful migraines came back, so I can assume I'm not ready to do that yet. I feel so fat. I've barely lost anything and I am eating super healthy and breastfeeding! I thought that would do it!

I can't fit into anything but sweatpants and I still look at least 4 months pregnant plus all the weight I gained everywhere else. Other things that aren't so fun include painful and leaky boobs and the fact that I'm still not done with my after-birth Aunt Flow as it were... getting closer, but still not there.

Still, I can't complain. My baby sleeps great and hardly ever cries. I have enough energy in the mornings to get stuff done and every day I'm making progress--but much slower than I ever expected! Who knew that after baby would be harder than 9 months pregnant. I just figured I'd go back to how I was, but with weight to lose. Turns out that's not quite right. I hope I get back to normal soon. It's relieving to see the progress I've made in the last 4 weeks, so that's keeping me encouraged.

No longer in the pregnancy club :-(

It's so weird for me to not be pregnant anymore. Nine whole months of inspecting the bellies of pregnant women and noticing every pregnant woman in sight. Then, one day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't any more and now I'm no longer in the club. It's not like when I was pregnant I spent a lot of time talking to other pregnant women, it's just that people noticed more and gave me seats or were more considerate of me and other pregnant women took notice and we had a common bond. I wasn't just some regular non-pregnant woman. I knew what they were going through. I could give them a sympathetic nod that said, "I feel your pain" and my belly would say all the rest. Now, I see hugely pregnant women that could easily have had the same due date as me and not yet given birth. And, I'm no longer one of them.

I met someone like that last week. She was actually due the day before me and hadn't yet had her baby and I was sitting on the couch with my baby who was already more than a week old. What a weird feeling!

I guess I just need to join the baby club. Now I notice mothers and their babies way more than I did before, so I guess that I now need to embrace that club.

Newborns are funny!

My poor baby. She can't yet control her arms and they literally flail around and upset her. It's so sad and funny to watch at the same time. She'll be all peaceful and ready to sleep and all of a sudden her hand will fly up and hit her in the face. Then her other hand. Then they'll start flailing about wildly and she will start crying. It's like she's saying, "What are these horrible things that keep bothering me? Why won't they go away?" She will be so happy when she gains muscle control over them!

A funny story from this week about her hands: We were dressing her up after her doctor's appointment and she reached behind her head and grabbed a fistful of hair. She immediately started screaming in pain, yet couldn't and wouldn't let go. She didn't know it was her own hand and it took two of us to pry her hand away from her hair. She was so upset by it! Poor thing! Yet so funny. Thank goodness for swaddling. It's giving us and her better sleep since it keeps her hands from escaping.

A few fairly boring videos of Amelia

Aaron's parents requested videos so I'm posting video of Amelia doing pretty much nothing. But you may enjoy them anyway!

Taking Care of a Baby is Easy! And a Word on Sleep Deprivation

Okay, so before I had a baby I thought, "How hard can it be?" All you do is change them, feed them, burp them, and let them sleep. If they are crying it can only be one of these 4 things unless it is something serious. Of course, if your baby is crying and you don't know why and they won't settle down, yes that's hard. But fortunately the Happiest Baby on the Block book has made huge strides in my opinion of helping me calm her down when this happens.

But okay, I'm sure it will get harder, but so far, so good. However, I do have a word on sleep deprivation.

Before baby, again I was like, "Every 3 hours. That's not too bad. I can handle that. I was up every hour to pee when pregnant anyway." Except, it's not every three hours. Actual sleeping time is more like 1.5, because every time she gets up you're up for about an hour and then you are awake and have to try to fall asleep again, which can take a little while.

To get an idea of what it is like if you do not have children, here's how I would describe it. Take an alarm clock and turn the ringer up to as loud as it can possibly go. Then, have a friend hide it REALLY good--so good it would take you 15-30 minutes to find it. Have the friend set the alarm for 3 hours from now. Then try to sleep. When the alarm goes off, try to find it. If it takes you about 15 minutes to find it, good for you. You now know where it is. Now you have to take care of it again. Call your friend back up and have them set the alarm clock for 3 hours from now and hide the alarm clock again. Be sure you stay awake until after the alarm clock is hidden, which preferably took your friend 30 minutes to do. Maybe try taking a walk. Then, try to sleep again and do it all over again. This is what it is like having the baby cry every 3 hours. You have to figure out why, take care of it, then somehow get to sleep again. You'd be tired and taking naps too!

Birth Story!

So here is the abridged version of Amelia's birth. If you want to know more of the gory details, you'll have to talk to me directly. I wrote down a long version for anyone interested who lives too far away for me to tell you in person!

On Sunday, February 28 for most of the day I started feeling what I thought were gas pains. The gas pains were coming fairly regularly (like once an hour or half hour) and I just figured it was normal gas pains that I usually have and they were coming fairly frequently because I was just that constipated.

So I ate dinner and went to bed, feeling pretty uncomfortable, but chiding myself for not eating enough fiber (haha… funny to think back on this now). I tried to go to bed early because I had not gotten much sleep the last 2 nights.

Around 1 or 2 in the morning I woke up feeling really bad and kept getting up to pee (because the “constipation pain” was worse when I had to pee) and to try to go to the bathroom to relieve the constipation. After I was able to go to the bathroom and STILL felt the pain, I thought for sure something was wrong, but I still thought it was constipation. I went back to bed and started crying. This was around 4:30 am. Aaron asked what was wrong. I told him. Then I started to realize that I was having the pain regularly and in waves. It was coming every 2 minutes or so. I thought maybe we should call the midwives or our doula, Sahana, but I thought it would be too embarrassing to call if it was just constipation pain.

Then I started to think, “Maybe these are Braxton-Hicks contractions?” I hadn’t had any before so I had no idea what they were. I got online to see what contractions were supposed to feel like, how frequently they were supposed to occur—all that stuff. I read something about contractions feeling like gas pains at first and that being pretty normal. So Aaron started timing them and the time between them and they were about 45 seconds long and every 2 minutes. They weren’t extremely strong at first so I tried to get some food down and do some housework, but by the time I got to the food I couldn’t stomach anything. I drank a little orange juice and tried to drink some coffee for strength (since I hadn’t eaten anything since the night before), but I just could not get it down. I tried to do some housework, which lasted about 30 minutes to an hour and then I couldn’t do much more. I still wasn’t sure if they were contractions because I never felt my uterus hardening like I was told I would during a contraction. Turns out it was, I just couldn't tell.

Around 7 am I went to the bathroom and saw a bit of blood. That was when I knew I was definitely in labor. We promptly called our parents and let them know and I focused on deep breathing and relaxing during contractions. We updated our doula, Sahana, and said she should come over. Aaron tried to help me relax and did some techniques to help me stay calm during contractions.

I threw up multiple times and couldn’t keep anything down that I tried to eat anyway. By the time Sahana arrived at 9am I was pretty much in the throes of labor. I was starting to be unable to tell Aaron what I needed. I couldn’t really walk or change positions without difficulty and pain. Sahana helped me get into positions where my labor could progress, despite the discomfort. She told Aaron when she thought my water would break and it did about 5 minutes later around 10:15. After that we decided to go to the hospital. We got there around 10:30 or 11.

They checked my dialation and I was only 4 cm dilated. I was not happy about that. Over the course of the next hour or so they got me into the tub. I couldn’t get comfortable in the tub at all.I tried a few positions and then decided I could NOT do it any more. I couldn't relax between contractions, I was terribly nauseous and just felt like I could not handle it on my own any more. I no longer wanted to go through it or even try. I asked for drugs. They asked me to wait an hour. I said I would. Then, 15 minutes later I asked again for a narcotic again to take the edge off. The midwife agreed it might help me relax between contractions. They gave me an IV and the drug and I felt better for a little bit. Contractions still hurt, but I could relax. Turns out it was a good thing because I went from 5cm dilated to 9 in only 30 minutes!

The last cm went by quickly and it was time to push. This was my least favorite part. I expected to feel like pushing—that with every contraction pushing would bring relief. Instead it was kind of the opposite. With every contraction I did not feel like pushing at all and I didn’t want to push, but the pain of not pushing was almost equally as bad as the pain of pushing. It took awhile to get the hang of it. I tried and tried many positions--on the toilet, on my back in the bed. Finally, another midwife came in and said the fastest way to get the baby out was squatting. Sounded terrible, but I gave it a try and it helped get the baby down far. I could see the head between my legs and after that I just kept pushing and pushing and I don't remember much, except I apparently got on all fours to deliver the baby. I don't remember her coming out--only that when the head was out it hurt like heck and I didn't want to push and make it worse, but I wanted the baby OUT! haha...

When she was out, they handed her too me and I was very confused. I had no idea what to do, how to hold her anything. I was still halfway on the ground. So they helped me into bed and I held the screaming baby and I was so, SO relieved it was over! I never want to do that again! But chances are I will... I didn't feel as emotional at that moment as I thought I would. I was just so dazed and tired. But it was wonderful to see and hold my baby. It was a beautiful moment. I'm glad my emotions didn't overwhelm me, because I couldn't have taken much more at that second!

Aaron cut the cord and they checked her and we tried breast feeding and she did pretty well! As for the gory details, I did have 2nd degree tears, but only barely, and frankly, the recovery really is NOT bad at all. No complaints, praise Jesus!

Now, I have a gorgeous little daughter and I don't have to go through labor again for a long time or maybe never again! haha... I will say that I think an epidural would have been overkill. Only if I took it in the beginning would it have been worth it, but in my case the narcotic was good to help me out and get me to the point of getting done.

So I'm glad I did it. However, I will never begrudge anyone for their birth of choosing--I will strongly consider drugs or a C-section in the future. Although, by then I will probably have forgotten the trauma of giving birth and try it naturally again. haha...

Welcome to the world, Amelia Jeane Judith Kirk!

Yes, I had her 3 days early, much to my surprise! She was born on March 1, 2010 at 1:40 pm after about 5 hours of labor and an hour of pushing. She was 7 lbs 13 oz and 20 3/4 inches long.

Here are some pictures. I will be posting the birth story shortly.

I Guess I'm Ready...

So, while I'm not in a big hurry to pop out the baby, I guess I'd say I'm finally ready to meet her. I think I'm finally ready to start taking care of her and all that. I'm already a bit sleep deprived so that doesn't worry me too much... I'm up 5 times a night to go to the bathroom and if the baby sleeps 2-3 hour stretches at once that has me up only 3 times in 8 hours, so, I should actually sleep more when she comes... I'm told that's not the case, but we'll see.

I'm still enjoying my freedom and while it's getting harder to get comfortable in just about every position, I'm hungry like no one's business! I have a VORACIOUS appetite. I can eat and eat and eat and eat and eat ungodly amounts of food. I will definitely miss the ability to eat like a teenager.

On the other hand, I will be so glad when I can move from laying on my one side to laying on the other without swinging a giant 7.5-8 pounds of baby and another 2 lbs of amniotic fluid from side to side, testing the limits of my ligaments every time I try to get comfortable in bed. And I will definitely not miss being able to go to the bathroom every 3 hours instead of every 45 minutes. Or, is that even how often normal people pee? I can't remember...

Either way, the end is getting tough, but not too terrible. I get tired so fast these days too, it's a bit of a challenge not to get everything done. On the other hand, I've never had such a great excuse to be so lazy and sit on the couch every day and I'm REALLY enjoying that. Just not so much enjoying that after a day of errands my feet and ankles and shins and knees hurt what feels like beyond repair.

I still love feeling baby, but I think now that she's so big I'll like it just as much or more to actually see her and touch her from the outside rather than through my big belly. :-)

Week 38: Nearly there!

Wow... week 38. I never thought I'd get this far. At least, I couldn't imagine it. I suppose I knew it would come eventually since I've maintained since the beginning that baby will be coming late.

My husband has now been off of work and we have done a few baby things. We took a diapering class over the weekend to learn how to use cloth diapers that we'll be getting through a diaper service. We also toured the hospital where I'll be giving birth. It's pretty nice, actually, and answered a lot of my questions in a very timely way. I can now update my birth plan and make sure my hospital bag has everything in it I need.

On Monday we shopped for baby jogging strollers and learned quite a bit. We found an amazing store in San Bruno, CA called Lullaby Lane. Unfortunately for them we won't be able to spend all our money there because we got about $600 in Babies R Us gift certificates, so we will be buying our stuff there, but I want to go back and spend what I can there, because they deserve it! It's a great small business with lots of items actually out so you can play with them, see how they work--all that good stuff. They have the same stuff as Babies R Us, but you can actually try it. The staff really know their stuff, so we were able to ask a lot of questions and get a lot of answers. I'm not affiliated with the store at all, but I just thought it was so great that it was worth mentioning if anyone lives in the area and is looking for this kind of store. I think I know what stroller to get now. YAY! Who knew they could be so much fun?!

As for baby stuff, at my appointment this week they say baby is measuring fine for her size, has a good heartbeat, and is doing great. Of course, she's getting a little cramped in there (as evidenced by the fact that she now presses on my ribs semi-regularly with her feet), but she's healthy and strong and I love it! I'm starting to feel tired. Aaron and I went on a 2 mile hike that was not very strenuous and mostly flat and it about wore me out yesterday. For the rest of the day I was waddling slowly and my hips and back kind of hurt. I feel like an old woman! And, I'm starting to have to pee about every 45 minutes or so. Not so fun, but at least I'm sleeping a little more these days, which is good! I'm trying to rest up while I can.

This week I'm planning to finish up a few more sewn items, run a few errands with my husband, and start preparing meals to freeze ahead for the future. We'll see how far I get!

Week 37: So much is happening!

This week has been very eventful to say the least!

My maternity started this week (YAY!) I'm finally free! I've been trying so hard to accomplish so many things on my list, but I seem to be falling a bit behind. I've been very tired this week--I think it's because I'm used to being sedentary and now I've been up and about every day all day--running errands, doing things around the house, and working out. I'm trying to cut back on my activity level a little bit, but it's tough for me because I like to squeeze as many things into a day as I possibly can and it's hard for me to acknowledge I need to slow down.

I finished most of the stuff for the baby's arrival--I set up the cosleeper, washed and organized all the baby blankets, wraps, clothes and more, including making my own closet extender--the kind of thing where an extra rod hangs below the main closet rod for you to hang more clothes on. I went to the hardware store and bought a rod about the same size, drilled holes in it, and hung the rod with string from the main rod. Then I organized the clothes by size and put little size reminders before and after each of the sizes, so I wouldn't get them mixed up in the future. It looks so cute! I also made 3 sheets for the cosleeper and I'm currently trying to finish some changing pad covers.

I returned a number of items to Babies R Us and got my hospital bag ready, but most of my time has been spent, it seems, in trying to tie up loose ends in my husband's job. His last day is Friday (the 19th) and we needed to spend all the money in our Flex spending account (we've paid a great deal into it already because we put a lot in to begin with due to the baby) and work out last-minute financial details. So I managed all of that. How stressful!

Next week Aaron will be home all week and I'm not looking forward to sharing my space every day all day. I like it better when I can get things done on my own. So, part of my rush to complete things this week was to get things done that are easier to accomplish with him gone. That way I can focus on the positives of having him home next week. It will be nice to have someone to do some things around the house for me. I just hope it doesn't make me lazy!

Otherwise, most everything is done and ready for baby! We take a diapering class this weekend and get our first delivery of cloth diapers next week. She's been kicking and poking me a lot, so I think she's starting to feel ready to come out. I still think it will be awhile though. I haven't experienced one contraction or anything that made me think she'd be coming out any time soon. The doctor says she is measuring back to average for her week, but they still think she'll be over 8 lbs for sure if we make it to 40 weeks!

A number of friends and family members who were pregnant and due around right now have all had their babies, so it looks like I'm next. Aaron is very excited and says he can't wait for the little baby. I, on the other hand, am starting to feel a bit apprehensive about how much my life is going to change. I'm enjoying my free time off so much and feeling stressed trying to manage getting things ready and his job loss that I am starting to wonder if I can handle a baby, too... But I am getting excited to meet her, so that's good. Lots of mixed emotions these days!

All the stuff I've made for baby

Ahhh... maternity leave. So nice to be off of work. On the plus side, I've had lots of time to get stuff done. I washed and hung all the baby clothes, organized the room, packed the hospital bag, and sewed and knitted and finished a LOT of stuff. Here's what I sewed, knitted and otherwise finished this week.

Sewed:

• 3 fitted baby sheets for our co-sleeper - used this tutorial to help me.
• 1 waterproof mattress cover using the same tutorial - out of some PUL fabric I was going to use to make diaper covers than decided I'd rather just borrow my friends'
• 3 yummy bamboo velour changing pad covers

Finished

• 3 baby hats
• 2 baby sweaters
• 1 pair baby mittens
• 3 pairs baby booties
• 3 knitted wool soakers
  

Other

• Refinished/rebuilt a lampshade - I actually salvaged a crappy paper lampshade with no wires by adding my own wires and then covering it with fabric. Pretty amazing the work I put into avoiding buying something new (I couldn't find anything that worked anyway).
• Created a closet organizer--the kind where you put a second rod below the main rod of your closet to create another level of hanging room. I made it by getting a rod at the hardware store, sawing it to the correct shape, drilling holes in the ends, then tying it to the upper rod. Cool, huh?

Other stuff I've made, but not this week:

• Reusable milk leaking pad thingies (for your boobs)
• Reusable baby wipes
  
• 6 Bamboo Terry (yum!) Baby washcloths
• 4 Bamboo Terry hooded towels
• 2 baby ring slings (super easy to make, btw!)
• Maternity top and coat
• 3 changing pads
• Baby blanket/playmat
  
• Lots of knitted stuff
  

What I'm planning to make this week:

• More reusable milk leaking pad thingies
• Nursing bra
• Diaper bag
• (if I have time) nursing tops

Whew!