Today is a Bad Day

I wish I had good news to report, but instead all the happy days get overshadowed where there is one like this. I am depressed today. There is no other way to describe it. I just want to cry and cry and cry and wallow in it. I feel terrible. I am mentally and physically exhuasted. I can't express emotion. I can't eat. I can't function. I just want to hold my baby and bawl my eyes out. I just want to be relieved of this misery. I will do anything--ANYTHING. I have been suffering for so long and I'm just so tired of it. So so tired. and so depressed. My body is working against me. I feel like it hates me and I just want to kill it. I want a new one that doesn't trap me with fatigue. One that sleeps and gets rest. I can take pain and aches and problems, but not this. This is the worst thing I can think of outside of a terminal illness and death. Why can't I get better? Why isn't this getting better? I don't know what to do anymore and my thoughts are veering dark...

What Is Motherhood?

Merry Belated Christmas to all! In general things are good here. Christmas was just us three in Oakland this year. I wish family could be around, but I'm SO glad I didn't have to travel and get into any bad (read: cold) weather! It was also nice to just have a few days of relaxing time at home off of work. It certainly helped me feel less anxious and more relaxed. The days haven't all been perfect, but I think what I'm finally learning is what my new life is going to be like.

My only preconcieved notion of motherhood was that it IS possible to do it all--that the baby doesn't have to change you. I have read so much about the disillusionment of motherhood. About how the baby rips you from the life you once had and suddenly you are a totally different person and you lose your sense of self, etc. But, I continued to believe that this only happens if you let it. I read an article about the loss of self related to motherhood after having Amelia and I thought, "These people are silly. Why did they let it get to them? I will never be like that." And when my previously cool friends turned into overprotective, child-obsessed people I scoffed. But, now that I've had some time to really get used to Amelia in my life--to really see what my life is and what it will be like for the next many years, it's a real eye-opener.

Yes, I've lost my sense of self--sort of. I'm still me, but unlike what I expected, I REALLY want to be around my baby ALL the time. She is cool and funny and really friggin cute. I think I hold on to her so much because I see how rapidly she is changing and I want to hang on to every minute when she is sweet and adorable and small and smiley. I know it won't last forever. I see her changing before my eyes. One day away at work and I come home and notice her face is different and her hair is longer and she's doing something new. It really makes me want to spend every waking second with her. My interests and hobbies have taken a backseat to this. As she gets older, I think it will get easier. She won't change as rapidly and she'll be easier to take places. For now, it's easier just to be home and hang out--as boring as it sounds. And, I hate to be away from her, partly because I work so many of her waking hours and partly because I don't want to miss any more than I have to.

Then there's the nursing. In a previous post I said that it makes me tired. So even when Amelia's asleep, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just so tired! I love nursing and I LOVE that it allows me to eat anything and still drop pounds, but it definitely makes it hard to go anywhere in the evening. That and, of course, my sleeping issues, which are gradually getting better. I think I'm finally learning that it's okay to have a bad night here and there and that it happens. It's best if I don't let it ruin my day, but it can be hard not to let it get to me. And then, for most parents whose baby doesn't even sleep through the night, the thought must go through their minds, "Why would I waste time going out tonight, when I could be sleeping?!" You have to take advantage of it while you can! And, even if I did want to go out, Amelia would be up at 7:30, pretty much destroying any possibility for me to sleep in. I think that going out will have to wait a few years.

As for bringing her places--that can be tough, too. It's not that hard to bring her places, but it can take some effort. She requires a lot of stuff--diaper bag, pacifier, food, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. And I can totally manage that. But what is tough is when she is moving and getting into things and I have to keep an eye on her. I really can't just let her roam free--not yet. She's too young to understand she could choke or electrocute herself or pull something heavy on top of her. This makes it really hard to take her places. Add to that the lack of energy and you are starting to get the picture.

All this and I have an EASY baby. I mean, the EASIEST! She is mellow, easy-going, relaxed, and fine in 90% of situations, but it's still hard. Even putting all this on paper, I still can't figure out what, exactly, makes it so dang hard... But I do see now why people think it is attractive to go out without your children or to stay in with them! And I do think that I am finally starting to understand that Amelia is forever. She's not just a fun novelty toy (duh! but that's kind of the image I had in my head of me with a baby) that I'll get to hug forever. She's a real person and I'm only now starting to see how responsible for her I am. And, even more, I'm starting to see how I am a totally normal and (I think) super cool person and I am a mother. And I never really thought that about mine or any other mothers. But now I think I am coming around. I am starting to really see the sacrifice and work that goes into it and I'm really appreciative of all the women who have done this for years. Mothers are friggin' amazing! And, to think they didn't even have as much help as I did! I'm lucky and blessed and I know it, but dang motherhood is definitely turning out to be an adventure unlike anything I ever expected or experienced!

PS: I think having a dog actually WOULD prepare you for having a kid. It's a similar dynamic. You have to put in the effort to train, walk, feed, and water them AND it's long term AND you have to find a dog-sitter for when you want to go out. Big difference on the sleep, nursing, and hormones front though. :-)

Nursing Makes Me Tired?

So I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I've been feeling so tired and low energy lately. I keep thinking this is a result of my anxiety. When I was pregnant I felt tired and low energy a lot of the time and it had to do with my incubating a small human. But now I wonder if there's something wrong with me and why I feel almost the same as when I was pregnant tired. My brain feels asleep at times and, even when I get lots of sleep, I just feel like I want to lay on the couch and watch a good movie.

I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!

It's the Holiday Season

It's been a long time since I last posted and I can tell you why. I've been busy doing a lot of things on the Internet and I haven't had time to blog. What have I been doing you ask? Shopping! Yes, I got into a sort of addiction there for a bit. It all started with shoes (doesn't it always?) and ended with new pants, new tops, new leggings, new sweaters, and a pair of new boots. I learned some valuable lessons about ordering items online (shop at the stores that offer free return shipping!). Why did I do this? Well, since our move we no longer really live near any stores I can reasonably shop at, so I've been doing pretty much all my shopping online. Plus, I really relish my weekend time with Amelia and when I needed a few new things, I just figured it would be easier. Except that I bought a ton of stuff from about 5 or 6 different places, which may have been about as much of a pain as it would have been to shop in the first place... I had to return things in person--it was just a mess.

Anyway, Amelia is getting so big! She is 9 months old now and is crawling (still pretty much army style, but with the occasional hands and knees crawl) and standing on everything. She isn't super exploratory yet, which is great for mom and dad, but man she likes to put everything in her mouth! Still no teeth, but we are anxiously anticipating that they will arrive... someday... It's kind of become a joke now. We ask, "Is she teething? Is she teeting?" but nope, not yet.

I am also doing pretty well. We traveled to Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, which was both nice and stressful. It can be pretty hard on me to travel right now. I may think about taking a long term medication to help manage my anxiety. The sleep thing is pretty much getting figured out. I've tapered down really well and I'm still taking the medication, but not much and I think I'm getting to sleep pretty well on my own these days! Exciting! Of course, that just shows me what kinds of anxiety is left to clear up and I do see that I have some anxiety that limits me from being able to enjoy my life, thus the discussion about meds.

On the up side, my brother is getting married in March and, even though I haven't met her, my future sister-in law seems very nice! And, I get to be in the wedding. That will make me a bridesmaid 3 times and I've still been a bride, so ha! Anyway, that's what's up with us. We got a holiday card made on Shutterfly and are sending it out. Although we only ordered 75 and I think we have something like 150 people on our list, so not everyone will be getting a card! Hopefully, they understand!