Thursday, May 19, 2011

Yet another post about my mental status...

Today at work my boss told me that 1) Several people regularly complain about how loud and often I talk in the office. It's a small office. and 2) That in a BIIIIG meeting we had last week (and let me stress BIG. As in huge. As in huge for the whole company) I was having a "side conversation" with one of the co-founders of the company, which reflected poorly on the company and on me. Apparently one of the huge execs of the company that's going to buy us was giving me looks and "several people" mentioned it to him. The other guy in the side conversation: he's not my boss. He's a particularly flirty guy and sort of an instigator. He was doing sort of little brother things like poking me, whispering to me, stretching his leg out to where he could kick me. After awhile I got involved and played along and got kind of into it. It didn't help that the meeting was 3+ hours long and this was at the tail end of it.

Anyway, I appreciate that my boss told me this, but now I feel like a huge idiot. I feel stupid and sad. I hate it when he says "several people" and then doesn't say who or when. I'm guessing in the first case it was everyone who sits around me (and I'm now looking around me wondering, "who said something?" "does someone dislike me?" "I thought my talking was endearing and wish someone would have said something to me" "who was it?")... In the second case, I just feel horrible. Doubtlessly it was an exec who said it, who thinks I'm an idiot, rude, or worse. I just feel terrible.

I did the whole song and dance of apologizing and whatnot, but I'm having a terrible time letting all this go. I got "in trouble" many times for talking about things I shouldn't in the office and other stuff, so it's clear I need to just stop talking. I think I'm obviously hugely depressed because I'm tired all the time and I just CANNOT let this thing go. Poor timing I guess considering I'm in a rather fragile spot post-move, illness, and conference (which exhausted me to how I felt before I started on the Zoloft). I want to cry and wallow in it and feel my pain and talk to a billion people about it until I feel better (hence this blog post). I feel all paranoid that people are looking at me as a huge slacker--as the annoying lurker of the office who just won't shut up.

Anyway, I guess I need to get back to working out. Hopefully that will help me get back to feeling normal and not so depressed again. I'm already on a super-high dose of Zoloft.

And, in other news, Amelia is great--so cute and adorable!


  1. 1) I bet the people who complain about you talking loud are jealous that they are not having an interesting and fun conversation like you.
    2) How can one NOT be distracted after a boring 3 hour meeting?

    You're awesome, funny, and inspiring. If people are thinking otherwise, they are boring, critical and not worth paying attention to.

  2. I know how you feel--insecurity sucks! But keep in mind that your boss may

    a) be lying (there might not have been anyone complaining/noticing, but s/he would rather not be the one to call you out). It happens a lot.

    b) be jealous/insecure/having a bad day/dealing with issues, etc... A lot of people take their crap out on others, and someone as open as you is unfortunately an easy target!

    If anything, I would talk quieter but make it a point to say, "I'm sorry, but I've been told my voice carries, so maybe we should talk elsewhere," good and loud so everyone can hear. Or send out an email saying you've been told this, and that everyone should feel free to shush you if you're talking too loud. Make it funny. Either way--take charge of it!

    And as for the meeting thing--I bet your boss was bored to tears and jealous as hell that no one wanted to play with him/her. =)

    Just my 2 cents!