The Mother Experience

While I did finally get some sleep each night since my last post, some days it hasn't been much and my post-partum insomnia continues to haunt me. I've started taking Benadryl nightly as well as sleeping in a separate bedroom. That is, until I decided it was time to put Amelia in her own room. So we moved everything around and then I had trouble sleeping again last night. For some reason the idea of sleeping in my own bed bothers me. Maybe it's because I continue to anticipate that my husband will somehow wake me up, either by getting into bed later or shifting in his sleep, or who knows? I left my bedroom and slept on the futon last night, which had previously been in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping, but which is now Amelia's room. And I finally got to sleep hours later. This, after I'd taken 2 Benadryl. In the end I got about 5 hours sleep in total after getting up to feed her and going back to bed, and getting up to feed her, and going back to bed.

It's clear that all this sleep deprivation is still affecting me negatively. Today I started to feel symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety I've already been clearly feeling--about the baby, about my sleeping--about everything, it seems. Despite my efforts, I'm still struggling, so I talked to the Dr. today and she prescribed me Xanax. I've read it's not good to take while breastfeeding. According to her, though, this is totally fine to take for a short period of time while breastfeeding. I will take it, see how it goes, and if I end up taking it frequently, we will explore my taking a longer-term medication.

Part of this, I felt, might be related to the fact that I haven't been able to have a true "mother experience" in my definition of the word. My husband is unemployed and home all the time, which is fantastic for me. I can just jet out on an errand and he'll be home to watch her. I can work out during the day on my own and get regular breaks. But in a way this makes me feel a bit guilty, too. All my new-mother friends are struggling on their own while their husbands are away at work and I have barely spent more than a few hours at a time caring for my baby alone. I feel a bit left out, even though I know I am actually very blessed. So, today I had Aaron leave the house so I could take some time caring for my baby on my own. And I did. And she got her shots today for her 2 month appointment. That feels like maybe it was a mistake because she was super fussy.

Anyway, hopefully the Xanax will help me and I will be able to relax and sleep fine from now on.