Friday, April 30, 2010

Found drugs, but what about Milk?

So, I've been working with the doctor to find all kinds of fun drugs that will help me out--Xanax, Ambien, Benadryl. They sorta work, but they are working for 5 maybe 6 hours at a time. And I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to work a bit to get back to sleep. Then I get up, feed Amelia and can't go back to sleep. I guess I am grateful for that much sleep and I feel like I'm starting to get used to it, so I suppose that's okay. I do eventually get better at dealing with sleep deprivation, I remember. Although, it's been years since I've lived that way and each time it was only temporary.

I'm a bit terrified by the horror stories of people I know. One person I know says she is 15 months post-partum and still dealing with insomnia. Is this the way it is? How am I supposed to enjoy the early years of my baby and deal with this?! An argument for adoption or surrogacy if I ever heard one. A friend of mine reminded me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My body is torturing me! How is this fair? I'm beginning to live in fear of never being able to sleep without help again. I've been too scared to try for a week now...

In the meantime, I *think* my milk supply is okay, but I'm starting to wonder because Amelia is nursing sloooooowly. She's awake way more during the day these days and naps maybe 3-4 times a day, but when she nurses, she practically passes out. And, my boob feels really flat. I asked the dr. how you know when you are out of milk and she said when it feels flat, but it feels flat all the time. I can't tell a difference.

My doula told me that at 2 months, your body starts to produce milk on demand rather than by hormones, so possibly this is what;s happening. When I pumped the last couple days, I didn't get as much out as usual and I'm starting to get a bit concerned that maybe all these sleeping drugs, or possibly my sleep deprivation or both, are interfering with my supply. We are about to leave on a 3 week road trip around the Pacific Northwest and I am bringing my pump, but how will I really know if I need to pump to get my supply up? I don't really have any way of weighing Amelia... maybe I can find a place...

Anyway, the sleep is getting better, and hopefully will continue to improve. Pray for me if you would and I'll let you know if and when it changes. I feel so betrayed by my body!

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