So, the sleeping is starting to get better. I am sleeping every night now, either with the help of drugs or (in the case of one night), on my own! I'm working on relaxation techniques and other things to try to help me sleep each night naturally without drugs. After a period of time if I don't feel like I'm sleeping, I take something. Lately, I've been taking Benadryl and occasionally taking the Xanax, but I think that the Xanax actually ends up making me feel MORE anxious after I take it, so I've decided to avoid taking it if at all possible from now on.
Amelia is doing pretty well on our trip, but it's occurring to me that I feel some anxiety about being a parent. I wasn't aware how much I would worry about how she is doing. She is the happiest baby ever, so I constantly wonder, is she eating enough? Is she hungry? Tired? Am I stressing her out? I wonder because she isn't crying, which I guess means everything is just fine. But, this vacation is making me constantly wonder if I'm doing things "right." I worry about my baby and am constantly filled with self-doubt! Then, it hit me the other day: Parenting isn't an exact science, you just have to do the best you can. Huh. I guess that means I have to get over myself. But at the same time, being totally responsible for a tiny, helpless human being puts a great weight of responsibility on your shoulders and I feel a lot like I'm unprepared to care for someone so much. I feel like this is maybe a big reason I have trouble sleeping. Even though I don't think I'm that anxious, I often do struggle with concerns related to new motherhood and as a result the stress and tension I feel in my body makes it hard for me to relax. It's good to have knowledge of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling and hopefully I'll be able to go home to a good new mother group that will help me deal with these new mother anxieties.