Doing pretty good....

Got past the move. Now onto life. Last week was pretty tough, but after a discussion with my psychiatrist, I learned that it can take up to 3 months to feel settled in a new place and to give myself a break if my anxiety isn't fully in check yet. I'm inclined to agree. Every weekend I learn a little more about the neighborhood and where things are.

Something really good did come out of last week's difficulties: I reached out to some local resources and was able to get hooked up with a PPD support group and a low-cost therapist who has a PPD specialty. I also got hooked up with a lady who's been through this before AND has come through it twice. She's really been an encouragement to me. And I'm learning to be positive and have a positive mindset. I'm reading a really good book that talks about Christians turning to God for everything and I'm really trying to let go and believe that God 1) will end this for me and 2) will make something good come out of it. And, I've been doing very well the last few days and I feel pretty well physically, which is good, too.

Saturday we went to the local farmer's market and I joined the nearby gym (thanks, Work, for the subsidy!). Saturday I ran around the lake. Sunday I worked out at the gym, since it rained. We went to our local Babies R Us and Trader Joes and even squeezed in some time to hang out with friends (Amelia went to her first pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving!). :-)

Our new place is proving to be pretty great. It looks tidy most of the time because the living room is a bit wider--even with all the baby stuff. That's a relief! And because of the mirrors in the bedroom and everything staying pretty well in the place it has, it looks neat all the time. I love that! Also, it might have something to do with the fact that I actually have time to tidy up when I get home from work. And get meals ready for the next day. What a luxury!

The picture is of the area our new apartment is near. We live to the right of the picture, right on the edge in the lower hills. As you can see, it's really pretty!

Post Partum Depression Resources

In case anyone reading this is dealing with PPD and needs some help, I found a really great blog on it online called Postpartum Progress. It even led me to a local person who runs a PPD support group that I will probably join (hooray!) and has many links for local resources, if you are suffering from that at all.

After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.

The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.

I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.

At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!

Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.

On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?

Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)

I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)

You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.

I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.

As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.

See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...

Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!

Frustrating!!!

But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!

Ups and Downs

Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!

However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.

In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.

Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.

The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.

I just feel so lost right now.

My New Life!

Praise Jesus, the hard part is over. My GOD! Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, I know, moving is generally hard and sucks. But this move in particular was a huge stressor for me. You all know why. I write and write about it to death. To sum up: anxiety issues, baby, crazy long work schedule, sleep problems, blah, blah, blah.

But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.

First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.

Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!

So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).

Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.

Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.

The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!

This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)

So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!