So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.
It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.
Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.
And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.
When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.
But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.
Showing posts with label post-partum depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post-partum depression. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)
You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Ups and Downs
Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I have a mental illness
Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
More on Recovery
Today I'm having a bad day and I need to get it out.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
What It's Like to Be a Mom
Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.
It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.
So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Perhaps I spoke too quickly
Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.
Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.
Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.
I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.
The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.
Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.
Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.
Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.
I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.
The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.
Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!
So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is
So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Update on me
Well, my baby is getting so big these days. She's already 4.5 months old! I return to work very soon on July 28th to a new job! Yay me! As you can tell lots has been happening. I'm discharging from the PPD group today and start work a week from today, so a lot of time and preparation has gone into both. I quit my old job on Monday next week.
So going from old to new and opening a new chapter in my life. At least that's what it feels like. Still need to work out the meds and life still has it's ups and downs, but at least I'm sleeping with the help of some very strong benzos (hoping to replace them eventually with some kind of SSRI). So that's all good, but confusing. At any rate, thought I'd update you. Much has happened and I really haven't had any extra time to write on here. I might have some time now that I'm about to start work, although, I think it's going to be pretty demanding, so you might not get too frequent of updates. Amelia's doing great though!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...
So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.
I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.
Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.
Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!
I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.
Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.
Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wicked Insomnia
I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.
Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.
But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!
Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.
But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!
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