Today is a Good Day

Just on the heels of two bad ones in a row comes a good day.

What makes it a good day? That's what my therapist asked me. Basically it boils down to: I have energy and I feel happy. I feel like there is light in the tunnel. Or maybe like I'm out of the tunnel. I feel lighter and it feels like there are possibilities--like maybe I could make or do something. I can concentrate. I don't feel fear or anxiety. I don't feel sad or depressed. I got good sleep last night. I'm not worried about my sleep tonight (because I don't have to work tomorrow). I feel thankful and happy that I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't mind working. I am able to work well and effectively without feeling incompetent.

Amelia took her first steps on Saturday! She is getting so big! I love her so much.

Lately I've been struggling with accepting my new life. I'm not going to be able to get things I want to done. I have to accept that. I'm not going to be able to go out with my friends until I feel ready. I'm happy to accept that, but a little sad that I am missing my friends. I am having the most trouble realizing I won't get to sew much in the near future. I didn't mind so much when I accepted this to be the case. But now I REALLY want to sew some things and it's tough to accept this as reality. I was okay with it for the first year. Now I'm itching to get stuff made! But, trying to get sewing done is just too stressful. I can't put pressure on myself to get things done. It is just too much. I need to focus on what I need to/have to do: work, take care of my baby, and take care of myself. Anything beyond that needs to just go to the wayside for now. And I need to make my peace with that... and yet I still hold out hope!

From Postpartum Progress: 20 Things I Never Want to Hear Again about PPD

I actually laughed out loud for some of these. If you've ever dealt with this, you can probably relate.

My Baby Can Communicate!

So within the last 2 days, Amelia has started pointing! I know this may not seem like a lot, but to me this is an amazingly huge thing.

See, I am a communicator. Let's break it down. I MAJORED in communication for both undergraduate and graduate school. I am an infamous chatterbox. I communicate for a LIVING (in fact, my profession is called "Technical Communicator"). I write 2 BLOGS. I am a social butterfly (which means I connect to people via lots of communication).

Yes, I'd say communication is my forte.

Which means that you can imagine how I've been waiting for my little sponge of a baby to start interacting back with me. And every time she has interacted--laughing, smiling, playing, even crying--I have celebrated that she has communicated with me and let me know what she needs/likes/dislikes. A few months ago she learned a few sign language signals--milk (which she subsequently used to mean tired, hungry, AND milk) and bye-bye. At one point she could do more, but I think we overloaded her brain. In the last month she started saying "Ma" by which I think she means "milk." Since it's the first hand sign she learned and pretty much the only thing she feels strongly about when it's absent, it makes sense it would be her first word. And she's been communicating with us by turning her head when she doesn't want food or, more recently, pushing away things she doesn't want.

And now, she can point! To everything! Two days ago she pointed to her water and then she drank it! Yesterday she pointed to her pacifier. Today she pointed to a water bottle she wanted to play with. It's amazing! She is truly able to tell us what she wants. And, it's also exciting that she clearly understand things now. She knows who mommy is, who daddy is, what the kitty is, what milk is, and more! It's amazing! And it feels like such a breakthrough. We can finally get a teeny tiny window into Amelia's world now that she can "talk back." And it is so exciting and refreshing.

Reflecting on 2010

Well I can safely say that 2010 was the most life-changing year of my life. It had the highest highs, some of the lowest lows, and some of the most interesting challenges. I've had to learn to wait on God and to totally relinquish control. I couldn't choose when the baby came or how and she did and it was wonderful. I couldn't choose how my body responded or how long it is taking to get better and I am still surviving. And I couldn't imagine how much I love and cherish my sweet daughter more than anything I have ever known. She is amazing and fun and cute and I cannot get enough! I love showing her off, seeing her newest tricks and watching her learn.

It was an unforgettable year.

Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.

I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)