Monday, January 3, 2011

Reflecting on 2010

Well I can safely say that 2010 was the most life-changing year of my life. It had the highest highs, some of the lowest lows, and some of the most interesting challenges. I've had to learn to wait on God and to totally relinquish control. I couldn't choose when the baby came or how and she did and it was wonderful. I couldn't choose how my body responded or how long it is taking to get better and I am still surviving. And I couldn't imagine how much I love and cherish my sweet daughter more than anything I have ever known. She is amazing and fun and cute and I cannot get enough! I love showing her off, seeing her newest tricks and watching her learn.

It was an unforgettable year.

Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.

I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)

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