Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Is it Bad that God is the Last Person I want to talk to when I'm emotional?

So, I hardly ever blog about my faith. But I gotta say that this ties in nicely to my experiences lately.

I've been emotional like nobody's business. Like a crazy person. And it's not consistent either. One day I will be fine and happy, and insults roll off my back. And the next day, every little tiny thing will set me off and I will be in tears. Ugh!

Being this teary and emotional has brought back flashbacks of high school. I was really emotional in high school--peaking right around age 18. Anyone who knew me then can attest to my ups and downs. I was vulnerable all the time--sensitive to my parents, to my school, and even sometimes to my friends. When I found pot, alcohol, and antidepressants, I thought I'd found my savior, because they regulated my emotions in a way that I was unable to do myself. It's the same now, minus the drugs, which I would definitely be doing if I wasn't pregnant.

What does all this have to do with God, you ask? Well, it was at that time that I became convinced that God was the reason for all my troubles. I blamed him for all the pain and emotion I was experiencing. I decided I hated him. I was going through a lot at the time, but the raging hormonal emotions didn't help matters. It made me confused about just about everything and forced me to survive by my emotions alone. So, when I went to church, my normal place to find solace, I actually found that thinking about God made me feel MORE emotional and vulnerable.

Both now and then when I am at my most teary, I cannot think about God. I cannot pray to God (other than maybe a quick prayer). I cannot read the Bible. Because literally nothing can penetrate the emotional wave I live on at that time. I am powerless against my emotions, struggling very VERY hard to keep it together at work (usually) or other public places. Thinking about God in that moment seems to make things worse. I get more emotional and cry more (probably because I am reliving on whatever it was that made me feel emotional in the first place). I feel like this is bad, but at the same time, I think it's an honest reflection of my vulnerability. Let's face it, God made me this way and he knows that I am powerless over my emotions at these times, which means that during the times when I am NOT feeling like an emotional mess, or I have the luxury of privacy, I can feel free to talk to him and read the Bible. And pray for those times when I won't have either, so he can at least keep them under control for me...

Anyway, this might not make sense, but I really had to get this out there. My emotions are saying so. :-)

No comments:

Post a Comment