Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...

So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.

I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.

Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.

Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!

Self-doubt!

So, the sleeping is starting to get better. I am sleeping every night now, either with the help of drugs or (in the case of one night), on my own! I'm working on relaxation techniques and other things to try to help me sleep each night naturally without drugs. After a period of time if I don't feel like I'm sleeping, I take something. Lately, I've been taking Benadryl and occasionally taking the Xanax, but I think that the Xanax actually ends up making me feel MORE anxious after I take it, so I've decided to avoid taking it if at all possible from now on.

Amelia is doing pretty well on our trip, but it's occurring to me that I feel some anxiety about being a parent. I wasn't aware how much I would worry about how she is doing. She is the happiest baby ever, so I constantly wonder, is she eating enough? Is she hungry? Tired? Am I stressing her out? I wonder because she isn't crying, which I guess means everything is just fine. But, this vacation is making me constantly wonder if I'm doing things "right." I worry about my baby and am constantly filled with self-doubt! Then, it hit me the other day: Parenting isn't an exact science, you just have to do the best you can. Huh. I guess that means I have to get over myself. But at the same time, being totally responsible for a tiny, helpless human being puts a great weight of responsibility on your shoulders and I feel a lot like I'm unprepared to care for someone so much. I feel like this is maybe a big reason I have trouble sleeping. Even though I don't think I'm that anxious, I often do struggle with concerns related to new motherhood and as a result the stress and tension I feel in my body makes it hard for me to relax. It's good to have knowledge of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling and hopefully I'll be able to go home to a good new mother group that will help me deal with these new mother anxieties.