Normal? Sort of? And What You Didn't Know About PPD

So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.

It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.

Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.

And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.

When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.

But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.

What It's Like to Be a Mom

Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.

It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.

So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!

Perhaps I spoke too quickly

Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.

Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.

Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.

I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.

The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.

Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.

I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!

So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.

Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!

Cloth Diaper Review: All the Cloth Diapers I've Tried vs. Disposable

So... yeah, I thought I'd try to help out some new moms out there who are deciding whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers and, if cloth, what the heck to use... I feel like I've tried nearly everything by now and have some insight. My baby is currently 5.5 months old.

Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.

Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!

Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.

Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.

Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.

Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.

That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!

Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is

So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.

I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.

Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!

Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.

We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.

I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.

The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.

Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!

Update on me

Well, my baby is getting so big these days. She's already 4.5 months old! I return to work very soon on July 28th to a new job! Yay me! As you can tell lots has been happening. I'm discharging from the PPD group today and start work a week from today, so a lot of time and preparation has gone into both. I quit my old job on Monday next week.

So going from old to new and opening a new chapter in my life. At least that's what it feels like. Still need to work out the meds and life still has it's ups and downs, but at least I'm sleeping with the help of some very strong benzos (hoping to replace them eventually with some kind of SSRI). So that's all good, but confusing. At any rate, thought I'd update you. Much has happened and I really haven't had any extra time to write on here. I might have some time now that I'm about to start work, although, I think it's going to be pretty demanding, so you might not get too frequent of updates. Amelia's doing great though!

Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...

So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.

I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.

Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.

Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!

Wicked Insomnia

I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.

Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.

But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!