Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I have a mental illness

Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.

I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.

This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.

I need an ativan.


  1. Poor Hannah. It sounds like you need something. Perhaps it is time to start discussing different medications to help with the depression. There is nothing wrong with getting help in any form whether it be counseling or medication.
    Please think about it for the sake of YOUR happiness and health. You can only put so much on your plate before it becomes so much that you have a mental breakdown.
    YOUR health and happiness is very important to a lot of people and I don't care how it comes about. If medication is something that will help please think seriously about taking it. Amelia will be fine if you have to stop breastfeeding if any medication interfers with it.
    We as mothers place so much upon ourselves that we forget that while those things are considered "best for baby" sometimes they are not what is best for mom. FIRST and foremost Amelia needs to have a happy and healthy mommy.
    I hope you get the care YOU need. You have my support!

  2. Oh thank you girl! I am feeling so much better post-move. Whew. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's just so true. You can only take on so much before you reach a breaking point. I think I should be better from this point on. But the last 2.5 weeks have been very, very rough and total survival mode for me. Gonna post an update here now.

  3. I found this blog initially because I was looking for minimalist baby info -but then I started reading about your depression issues and I resonate so much! I was diagnosed this year with dysthymia, which is chronic, low-grade depression. As I've been in treatment and taking medication and getting better I find myself thinking, "Wow, I do that because I'm crazy" (or was crazy) and far from making me feel bad it actually comforts me because I was beginning to think that I was lazy and unreliable and didn't care about other people and I hated that about myself. But now I know that I'm not a bad person and that I acted that way because I was ill. What a relief. Thanks for blogging about this!