Monday, August 30, 2010

Perhaps I spoke too quickly

Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.

Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.

Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.

I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.

The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.

Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.

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