Found drugs, but what about Milk?

So, I've been working with the doctor to find all kinds of fun drugs that will help me out--Xanax, Ambien, Benadryl. They sorta work, but they are working for 5 maybe 6 hours at a time. And I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to work a bit to get back to sleep. Then I get up, feed Amelia and can't go back to sleep. I guess I am grateful for that much sleep and I feel like I'm starting to get used to it, so I suppose that's okay. I do eventually get better at dealing with sleep deprivation, I remember. Although, it's been years since I've lived that way and each time it was only temporary.

I'm a bit terrified by the horror stories of people I know. One person I know says she is 15 months post-partum and still dealing with insomnia. Is this the way it is? How am I supposed to enjoy the early years of my baby and deal with this?! An argument for adoption or surrogacy if I ever heard one. A friend of mine reminded me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My body is torturing me! How is this fair? I'm beginning to live in fear of never being able to sleep without help again. I've been too scared to try for a week now...

In the meantime, I *think* my milk supply is okay, but I'm starting to wonder because Amelia is nursing sloooooowly. She's awake way more during the day these days and naps maybe 3-4 times a day, but when she nurses, she practically passes out. And, my boob feels really flat. I asked the dr. how you know when you are out of milk and she said when it feels flat, but it feels flat all the time. I can't tell a difference.

My doula told me that at 2 months, your body starts to produce milk on demand rather than by hormones, so possibly this is what;s happening. When I pumped the last couple days, I didn't get as much out as usual and I'm starting to get a bit concerned that maybe all these sleeping drugs, or possibly my sleep deprivation or both, are interfering with my supply. We are about to leave on a 3 week road trip around the Pacific Northwest and I am bringing my pump, but how will I really know if I need to pump to get my supply up? I don't really have any way of weighing Amelia... maybe I can find a place...

Anyway, the sleep is getting better, and hopefully will continue to improve. Pray for me if you would and I'll let you know if and when it changes. I feel so betrayed by my body!

The Mother Experience

While I did finally get some sleep each night since my last post, some days it hasn't been much and my post-partum insomnia continues to haunt me. I've started taking Benadryl nightly as well as sleeping in a separate bedroom. That is, until I decided it was time to put Amelia in her own room. So we moved everything around and then I had trouble sleeping again last night. For some reason the idea of sleeping in my own bed bothers me. Maybe it's because I continue to anticipate that my husband will somehow wake me up, either by getting into bed later or shifting in his sleep, or who knows? I left my bedroom and slept on the futon last night, which had previously been in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping, but which is now Amelia's room. And I finally got to sleep hours later. This, after I'd taken 2 Benadryl. In the end I got about 5 hours sleep in total after getting up to feed her and going back to bed, and getting up to feed her, and going back to bed.

It's clear that all this sleep deprivation is still affecting me negatively. Today I started to feel symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety I've already been clearly feeling--about the baby, about my sleeping--about everything, it seems. Despite my efforts, I'm still struggling, so I talked to the Dr. today and she prescribed me Xanax. I've read it's not good to take while breastfeeding. According to her, though, this is totally fine to take for a short period of time while breastfeeding. I will take it, see how it goes, and if I end up taking it frequently, we will explore my taking a longer-term medication.

Part of this, I felt, might be related to the fact that I haven't been able to have a true "mother experience" in my definition of the word. My husband is unemployed and home all the time, which is fantastic for me. I can just jet out on an errand and he'll be home to watch her. I can work out during the day on my own and get regular breaks. But in a way this makes me feel a bit guilty, too. All my new-mother friends are struggling on their own while their husbands are away at work and I have barely spent more than a few hours at a time caring for my baby alone. I feel a bit left out, even though I know I am actually very blessed. So, today I had Aaron leave the house so I could take some time caring for my baby on my own. And I did. And she got her shots today for her 2 month appointment. That feels like maybe it was a mistake because she was super fussy.

Anyway, hopefully the Xanax will help me and I will be able to relax and sleep fine from now on.

Wicked Insomnia

I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.

Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.

But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!

Amelia Smiles!

So we finally got Amelia to smile at us! And we got it a little later on video. This is a bit long (2 minutes) and she smiles at the very end. Also, I was talking the entire time and my voice is LOUD on this video, so you should definitely turn your volume down or off.

Buy the My Brest Friend and an update on me

So, I just have to recommend one more baby product (actually a post-partum product). If you are breastfeeding, you MUST get the My Brest Friend pillow. Please, PLEASE don't waste your time with Boppy's or other pillows. The My Brest Friend, is now my best friend. Now, my posture is better, I'm not man-handling my baby while feeding her and we are both so much happier. Now I only need one pillow instead of the 3 or 4 or I was using to compensate for the stupid Boppy. Argh.

Also, I was reading through my post last week about how I'm feeling and I thought I would update you on my aches and pains. What a difference a week makes!

I'm doing way better in so many ways. For one, I'm not getting night sweats any more (hallelujah!). For another, my Aunt Flow is on her way out! Hooray. And, Aaron feeding Amelia in the middle of the night has provided me so much uninterrupted sleep (7+ hours a night!) that I've been able to do some kind of "workout" during the day every day this week--walking several miles (not quite up to the 3.5 yet), some simple weight workouts, the Wii Fit, etc. Plus, I've been able to get up and do things during the day quite a bit! Amazing! Actually, Amelia slept 7 straight hours last night, which we aren't supposed to let her do, but she always woke up before to eat, so we were surprised she didn't last night.

I haven't had a migraine in about a week and I've only taken medication to prevent one twice. I was finally able to go shopping to buy clothes to fit my new body and now I actually look nice in regular clothes (because I now have some that fit) and I have a whole new body image. When I was pregnant I learned a valuable lesson: if I just eat when I'm hungry and try to be healthy, my body will stabilize itself. This is what I did during pregnancy and I gained exactly the right amount of weight--not more. So, I'm using this valuable lesson now to guide me to the weight I should be at now.

*Holding up my right hand* I pledge to love my body at the size it's at and because it gave me my beautiful daughter. Size means nothing, and properly fitting clothes will help me feel good about myself no matter the size. I pledge to eat what I want and to make healthy, nourishing choices. I will not hate my body or my size or myself and I will not diet. I will trust that my body will tell me what I need and I will act accordingly and not second-guess it. Amen.

Reflection on One Month with a Baby...

So, Amelia is 1 month old today! My my, how time flies. Except, in this case, it doesn't feel like it's been longer or shorter--it feels exactly right.

In thinking about all I've been through in this month, I thought I'd share some of my reflections on it with you. As you can imagine being a new parent is a bit of an adjustment, but not in the ways I expected.

Having a baby is pretty much what I thought it would be. You feed her, change her, put her to bed, try to figure out why she is crying, etc. I've never NOT heard a new parent say, "It is so hard. You have no idea how hard" and I'm trying hard not to say it. Really, it is pretty straightforward and fairly simple. The hard part comes from all the other things: trying to keep the house clean or assume some semblance of your regular life. Again, that isn't totally because of the baby. It is related--getting used to the new schedule, the weird sleeping hours--all of those make a difference. But the biggest thing that makes it tough? The recovery process. All those hormones still raging, the challenge of breastfeeding and the drain of your milk coming in and out, and recovering from labor--difficulty walking, fatigue, etc.

The first week was easier than subsequent weeks, but that is because it's all so new and exciting--we had lots of visitors, I was so thrilled about my new baby, my milk hadn't come in yet, and I had a lot of people I could draw on for help if I needed it. Not to mention how amazing my husband has been through all of this. But the sleep deprivation hadn't started yet or fully hit. 2 or 3 days of sleep deprivation is a lot less draining than 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 months. The hardest part about the first week was how scary everything felt. I didn't want to leave the hospital where people came by to check on me and see how I felt and could be at my beck and call to help with the baby any time I needed it. When we got home I sort of thought, What next? Sure I knew sort of what to do, but I wasn't totally sure how it would go or if I could handle it and I was basically in survival mode until my mom came, when I finally felt like I could relax.

And thank God she was here, because the next few weeks were a bit harder than I thought. Sure at 5 days and 1.5 weeks I took Amelia out for walks and errands and at 2 weeks went on a long walk and so on but for a lot of that time everything about how to take care of her was trial and error. I could hardly move off the couch most of the days and I didn't want to go anywhere. I had a few mental breakdowns. And, for most people who know me, you KNOW I am not the kind of person who wants to sit around the house and do nothing. But for the 2nd and 3rd week, I was basically exhausted. Kind of like being home sick from work. If it hadn't been for my mom, nothing in my house would have been clean (including clothes) and I would not have gotten proper nutrition. Decent, but not great. She made amazing meals for us. As did many of our friends who helped us all out during those weeks.

During the last week my mom was here I was able to start doing things again. I did laundry one day, was able to run an errand or two alone and with Amelia without too much trouble, and I learned that migraines were what was making me feel so bad the last few weeks. Amelia started sleeping better and so did I. And we finally have a rhythm down.

Now, we are on it. We have a routine and a rhythm and my husband is AMAZING. I could never have done it the first week without him, nor the subsequent weeks. And now, he is my partner. Without him I wouldn't be able to manage sewing some days, running errands, taking walks, and getting in some me time. Plus he is fantastic with the housework and feeds Amelia for me in the middle of the night. How lucky am I?

Thank God for how great it has been this month and for all the friends and family that have been so generous in helping me!