Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.
Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.
Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.
I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.
The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.
Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!
So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.
Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Cloth Diaper Review: All the Cloth Diapers I've Tried vs. Disposable
So... yeah, I thought I'd try to help out some new moms out there who are deciding whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers and, if cloth, what the heck to use... I feel like I've tried nearly everything by now and have some insight. My baby is currently 5.5 months old.
Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.
Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!
Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.
Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.
Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.
Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.
That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!
Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.
Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!
Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.
Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.
Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.
Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.
That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!
Getting so much better!
So, I just wanted to give you all a quick update. Gotta get back to work.
But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.
I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!
So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!
So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!
This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!
Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!
But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.
I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!
So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!
So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!
This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!
Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is
So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.
Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!
Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.
We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.
I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.
The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.
Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Looking Behind No More
It's so interesting to me that I have a new job. I can't believe it. I'm not talking about the job of being a mother. I'm talking about a new job for pay that I'm currently working at right now.
It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!
I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.
But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.
I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.
It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!
I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.
But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.
I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.
You know you're a mom when...
...You get really excited about purchasing and getting new cloth diapers in the mail and you can't wait to do the laundry so you can use them!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Adorable Amelia!
She did the cutest thing ever last night. After I fed her, she blew raspberries at me, so I blew some back and she giggled. That made me laugh which started an escalation of laughter from her and me at the same time. Every time I laughed, she laughed and it was the most amazing thing ever! I loved every second of it and it's been causing me to smile all day long.
What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!
What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!
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