Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Amelia's first everything!
So the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for our family. And the craziness is only half over. We have to move next. But that's another story... Amelia took her first plane ride 2 Wednesday's ago when we took her back to Indiana for a wedding. She ended up taking a total of 4 plane rides before the end of last week. She did mostly great except on one where she was up very late at night and did not want to go to sleep. She met her giant extended family there and got passed off to about a billion cousins and aunts and friends and random people and she did great! She met her cousin Wilson for the first time (see photo above). He's just 2 months younger than she is.
My parents and extended family also came up to meet/see Amelia. We did a dedication for her at the church where we got married and invited lots of family and friends to come. It ended up being more than 50 people that came to see her and us!
We got to see some new and interesting aspects of Amelia's personality that we didn't know and it helped to have our moms there to give some perspective. For one, she LOVES attention from people. Even from our first hour in the airport she would stare people down and smile at them, hoping to get their attention. I have no doubts that when she can talk she'll be saying, "hey! Hey you! Look at me! Look over here!" She smiled at everyone and just loved being the center of it all. She smiled for the camera pretty much every time and really hammed it up. Adorable. And, not surprisingly, my mom said that's how I was when I was a baby. Yep. Not surprised. Needs and loves attention. Shocking!
She also is sitting up pretty good now and is going to crawl any day now. She's regularly eating solid foods and really doing a great job with that. Unfortunately, she is still suffering from her first cold. The whole family got sick the last 2 days of vacation--we think from passing her around and kissing her over and over again--lots of people, lots of kissing. It's like she's a magnet for germs. Strangely, she didn't get sick until she caught it from me. She tried to put my nose in her mouth when it was runny and, yeah, gross, she got it the next day. Also not surprising. But sad because she has a cough and is all stuffed up. Poor baby! She's also having some issues with sleeping because of it too. Thankfully it isn't affecting me too terribly though.
The trip overall was pretty stressful for me. It pushed me to the limits of my anxiety. But, I didn't have trouble sleeping and that means I coped with it well an my coping skills are improving. I even slept on an air mattress in the same room as the baby! Good for me! Thanks also to my amazing husband who helped out when things were really hard for me and still is.
Hopefully once we get through Amelia's first move (this Sunday) we will be able to get back into a routine and I can again taper down my meds even more without issue. The road to recovery is slow, but there is hope! And I'm getting close!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
More on Recovery
Today I'm having a bad day and I need to get it out.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.
But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.
Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.
I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!
But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).
"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.
Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.
But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.
And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.
The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A letter to Amelia
Dear Amelia,
Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.
We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.
Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.
Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.
Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!
Love,
Mom
Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.
We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.
Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.
Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.
Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!
Love,
Mom
Thursday, September 2, 2010
What It's Like to Be a Mom
Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.
It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.
So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!
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