Thursday, February 24, 2011
Kids Stuff Swap in the East Bay on March 5, 2011! Yay!
I'm so excited to go to this Kindercycle swap of kids stuff on March 5, 2011 in Rockridge. We need clothes and boots and a winter coat for Amelia SO BADLY, so I hope it's really big and there are things in her size! I'll even take boys stuff at this point. She needs so much. She's outgrown just about everything and even the stuff I made for her she leaks onto. So, if you happen to be in the Bay Area, come out for the swap!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
My Baby is Amazing!
I love my baby girl so much! She is almost one year old! I can't believe it!
She is so much fun. She is starting to walk and she is alert and excited about everything. I love watching her learn to walk--it's amazing this journey that we take for granted. She literally started as a blank slate and has learned some words, learned how to control her hands, arms, legs, head, mouth, eyes, voice, and more. She is learning to walk and watching her try and stumble is such an exciting journey. I would say there are almost no downsides to this. Sure, I get bloody nipples from her testing out her new tooth while nursing and it isn't fun when she struggles during diaper changes, but it just shows how newly independent and interested she is in all the new things in her world.
And it is so fun to watch. I love watching her play. I love watching her clap. I love watching her crawl, walk, explore--everything. It is SO MUCH FUN!
She is such a delightful girl and I am so thrilled to be her momma. We are going to have great fun together!
She is so much fun. She is starting to walk and she is alert and excited about everything. I love watching her learn to walk--it's amazing this journey that we take for granted. She literally started as a blank slate and has learned some words, learned how to control her hands, arms, legs, head, mouth, eyes, voice, and more. She is learning to walk and watching her try and stumble is such an exciting journey. I would say there are almost no downsides to this. Sure, I get bloody nipples from her testing out her new tooth while nursing and it isn't fun when she struggles during diaper changes, but it just shows how newly independent and interested she is in all the new things in her world.
And it is so fun to watch. I love watching her play. I love watching her clap. I love watching her crawl, walk, explore--everything. It is SO MUCH FUN!
She is such a delightful girl and I am so thrilled to be her momma. We are going to have great fun together!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
One year later: My perspective on minimal baby stuff
So over a year ago (OMG has it been a year already?!) I posted this post on having and raising a baby with minimal stuff.
In short I'd like to say, I was right. But, there are a few things that weren't quite what I expected.
First, the crib. We used the co-sleeper in our room for the first 7 weeks, then I realized something. It sucked to breastfeed in bed. It wasn't at all easy or natural for me to breastfeed a very TINY baby by lying down. She can't get to your breast very easily and you have to really figure out how to hold her head, plus you have to change the diaper and the whole bit and you kind of need light for that, so in the end it was way easier for me to get up, feed her in the living room with light on where I could read a book (without having to figure out some kind of complicated book light and sit up in bed with my husband sleeping next to me). We also left the changing pad in the living room, too, so night time changes were MUCH faster that way.
After 7 weeks, I started having serious insomnia (related to my post partum depression, which you can read lots about on this blog) and it made more sense for Amelia to be moved to her own room. That transition really worked fine. We could easily hear her if she cried in the middle of the night (without a baby monitor, thank you very much) and it was nice to have my room back (I could go in and get clothes in the middle of the day without disturbing her nap!)
I suppose if you were brave you could just let your baby sleep on the bed, but ours is very high off the ground and it really terrified me to try that. When we went on vacation when she was 2 months old, though, we did just put a small mattress on the floor that she slept on without issue. When she got to be about 5 or 6 months, though, she rolled around a lot and that wouldn't have worked any more (nor would the bed). We put a crib in her room when she was about 7 months old (borrowed from a friend).
The changing pad on the floor has been fabulous for so many reasons. We could move it all around the house. Now that Amelia is mobile and wants to squirm out of her diaper changes, I'm SO glad it's on the floor. I wouldn't want her squirming around from a high place. Friends of mine got a changing table that is also a dresser for their baby and it fit neatly into a sliding-door closet, so that's another way you could do it.
We did end up using regular wipes, for convenience sake. However, we do still use home made ones from time to time, especially when her little butt is red or seems irritated. Cloth diapers have been fabulous and I love them!
And now, for the toys. I thought they were useless. I resisted. I hated them and their bright colors. And then I saw how much she loved them. And it was suddenly fun to watch her play with them. She loved the activity play gym (I resisted this one, but she LOVED it and it was SO CUTE!). She loved the bouncer (and it was a Godsend. We both loved it. So nice to help her see out a bit when she's small without having to constantly hold her or put her on the ground. I have to admit, she also really likes ones that make noise. I can put up with ones that make a *little* noise and that's all she's going to get. Too bad, so sad. But she really does love them.
The swing was not my favorite, but my husband swore this worked for getting her to take naps (he took care of her while I worked during the day). Personally, I think it's unnecessary.
Also unnecessary:
* Excersaucer. It helps. It was kinda fun. She liked it. But, it's huge and we could live without it. Although it IS good now that she is mobile for putting her in for a few minutes while I do something else so I don't have to chase her the entire time.
* Rocking/swing chairs. It's helpful to having something like that, but I had a Poang from Ikea and it works just as well. Those special rocking things are nice, but definitely not necessary.
* Decorations. We have yet to decorate her room. We still rent anyway. We have a few cute things hanging up that we got as gifts.
Totally necessary:
* Changing pad. Get it. It's worth it. Get at least 2 covers, 3 if you can help it. Okay, so you can live without this, but it's really, really nice to have.
* My Breast Friend pillow. Invaluable. It eliminates the need for fancy chairs and furniture and makes feeding tiny babies SO MUCH EASIER. Worth the extra money and saves on furniture and back problem costs!
* Burp cloths. No really. Doesn't have to be the cute, fancy kind, but it's really nice to have something designated as a burp cloth. We really did go through 4 or 5 in a day sometimes.
* Hard books. She likes to eat the other ones. And she loves playing with the thick ones. Good small space toys!
* Layering clothes - you have to change them a fair amount. It's nice not to have to do laundry constantly. You could probably get away with 5 onesies and 5 sleepers and that would be fine. You'll probably get them as gifts anyway.
* Nursing pads (reusable--it's nice to have at least 5 pairs, but you could definitely do well with less)
* Baby bath - doesn't have to be crazy, but you really will need something to bathe them in when they are small. We couldn't bathe her in the actual tub until she was 10 months old.
* Non-slip bath mat for the tub (for when she is able to sit up in the actual bath tub), but you won't need this for awhile.
I think that about covers it. Raising a baby minimally is totally possible, but some things are definitely more necessary than others. Mostly you really don't need much. Some are nice to haves. But overall, if you don't have most of the crap they say you need, you will be fine. We have! We bought only a few diapers, the pump, and stroller (with gift cards) and the rest were all gifts, borrowed, or hand me downs. Or, I made them myself. I'm proud to say that we have very little baby stuff because we gave it back or didn't buy it in the first place!
In short I'd like to say, I was right. But, there are a few things that weren't quite what I expected.
First, the crib. We used the co-sleeper in our room for the first 7 weeks, then I realized something. It sucked to breastfeed in bed. It wasn't at all easy or natural for me to breastfeed a very TINY baby by lying down. She can't get to your breast very easily and you have to really figure out how to hold her head, plus you have to change the diaper and the whole bit and you kind of need light for that, so in the end it was way easier for me to get up, feed her in the living room with light on where I could read a book (without having to figure out some kind of complicated book light and sit up in bed with my husband sleeping next to me). We also left the changing pad in the living room, too, so night time changes were MUCH faster that way.
After 7 weeks, I started having serious insomnia (related to my post partum depression, which you can read lots about on this blog) and it made more sense for Amelia to be moved to her own room. That transition really worked fine. We could easily hear her if she cried in the middle of the night (without a baby monitor, thank you very much) and it was nice to have my room back (I could go in and get clothes in the middle of the day without disturbing her nap!)
I suppose if you were brave you could just let your baby sleep on the bed, but ours is very high off the ground and it really terrified me to try that. When we went on vacation when she was 2 months old, though, we did just put a small mattress on the floor that she slept on without issue. When she got to be about 5 or 6 months, though, she rolled around a lot and that wouldn't have worked any more (nor would the bed). We put a crib in her room when she was about 7 months old (borrowed from a friend).
The changing pad on the floor has been fabulous for so many reasons. We could move it all around the house. Now that Amelia is mobile and wants to squirm out of her diaper changes, I'm SO glad it's on the floor. I wouldn't want her squirming around from a high place. Friends of mine got a changing table that is also a dresser for their baby and it fit neatly into a sliding-door closet, so that's another way you could do it.
We did end up using regular wipes, for convenience sake. However, we do still use home made ones from time to time, especially when her little butt is red or seems irritated. Cloth diapers have been fabulous and I love them!
And now, for the toys. I thought they were useless. I resisted. I hated them and their bright colors. And then I saw how much she loved them. And it was suddenly fun to watch her play with them. She loved the activity play gym (I resisted this one, but she LOVED it and it was SO CUTE!). She loved the bouncer (and it was a Godsend. We both loved it. So nice to help her see out a bit when she's small without having to constantly hold her or put her on the ground. I have to admit, she also really likes ones that make noise. I can put up with ones that make a *little* noise and that's all she's going to get. Too bad, so sad. But she really does love them.
The swing was not my favorite, but my husband swore this worked for getting her to take naps (he took care of her while I worked during the day). Personally, I think it's unnecessary.
Also unnecessary:
* Excersaucer. It helps. It was kinda fun. She liked it. But, it's huge and we could live without it. Although it IS good now that she is mobile for putting her in for a few minutes while I do something else so I don't have to chase her the entire time.
* Rocking/swing chairs. It's helpful to having something like that, but I had a Poang from Ikea and it works just as well. Those special rocking things are nice, but definitely not necessary.
* Decorations. We have yet to decorate her room. We still rent anyway. We have a few cute things hanging up that we got as gifts.
Totally necessary:
* Changing pad. Get it. It's worth it. Get at least 2 covers, 3 if you can help it. Okay, so you can live without this, but it's really, really nice to have.
* My Breast Friend pillow. Invaluable. It eliminates the need for fancy chairs and furniture and makes feeding tiny babies SO MUCH EASIER. Worth the extra money and saves on furniture and back problem costs!
* Burp cloths. No really. Doesn't have to be the cute, fancy kind, but it's really nice to have something designated as a burp cloth. We really did go through 4 or 5 in a day sometimes.
* Hard books. She likes to eat the other ones. And she loves playing with the thick ones. Good small space toys!
* Layering clothes - you have to change them a fair amount. It's nice not to have to do laundry constantly. You could probably get away with 5 onesies and 5 sleepers and that would be fine. You'll probably get them as gifts anyway.
* Nursing pads (reusable--it's nice to have at least 5 pairs, but you could definitely do well with less)
* Baby bath - doesn't have to be crazy, but you really will need something to bathe them in when they are small. We couldn't bathe her in the actual tub until she was 10 months old.
* Non-slip bath mat for the tub (for when she is able to sit up in the actual bath tub), but you won't need this for awhile.
I think that about covers it. Raising a baby minimally is totally possible, but some things are definitely more necessary than others. Mostly you really don't need much. Some are nice to haves. But overall, if you don't have most of the crap they say you need, you will be fine. We have! We bought only a few diapers, the pump, and stroller (with gift cards) and the rest were all gifts, borrowed, or hand me downs. Or, I made them myself. I'm proud to say that we have very little baby stuff because we gave it back or didn't buy it in the first place!
Zoloft is Awesome!
One of these days I'll get back to posting about my baby (she's sprouting her first tooth S-L-O-W-L-Y and she is active and crazy and throwing tantrums and tons of fun!), but for now I still have so much to say about my recovery.
I'm taking Zoloft. I'm feeling better. A lot better. I'm also sleeping well, so that helps. When I have a bad night, I feel ok during the day--tired and exhausted sure, but not as exhausted as I used to and much, MUCH more positive. I am starting to feel like I'm not in the tunnel any more. I feel almost normal. Almost like myself again. This is so exciting and amazing! It's subtle, but it's making a huge difference. I really felt like I was in a cloud and now I feel like I can be positive, even when things aren't feeling so great, physically. Maybe this has to do with my taking some time off of work, but I have had days off before (like around Christmas) and I did not feel like this. I felt tired and I didn't realize how depressed I was until now. I don't feel it anymore, which makes me know that I'm actually coming out of it. I guess you don't know you're depressed until you come out of it? It's amazing the difference. The "hormones" that I thought I was feeling seem like they were depression. Now, they do anyway. I didn't think so before.
My anxiety still flares from time to time, but now I can get a handle on it through praying and deep breathing and I'm doing so much better! I am so thankful that this is working! What an answer to prayer!
I'm taking Zoloft. I'm feeling better. A lot better. I'm also sleeping well, so that helps. When I have a bad night, I feel ok during the day--tired and exhausted sure, but not as exhausted as I used to and much, MUCH more positive. I am starting to feel like I'm not in the tunnel any more. I feel almost normal. Almost like myself again. This is so exciting and amazing! It's subtle, but it's making a huge difference. I really felt like I was in a cloud and now I feel like I can be positive, even when things aren't feeling so great, physically. Maybe this has to do with my taking some time off of work, but I have had days off before (like around Christmas) and I did not feel like this. I felt tired and I didn't realize how depressed I was until now. I don't feel it anymore, which makes me know that I'm actually coming out of it. I guess you don't know you're depressed until you come out of it? It's amazing the difference. The "hormones" that I thought I was feeling seem like they were depression. Now, they do anyway. I didn't think so before.
My anxiety still flares from time to time, but now I can get a handle on it through praying and deep breathing and I'm doing so much better! I am so thankful that this is working! What an answer to prayer!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Today is a Good Day
Just on the heels of two bad ones in a row comes a good day.
What makes it a good day? That's what my therapist asked me. Basically it boils down to: I have energy and I feel happy. I feel like there is light in the tunnel. Or maybe like I'm out of the tunnel. I feel lighter and it feels like there are possibilities--like maybe I could make or do something. I can concentrate. I don't feel fear or anxiety. I don't feel sad or depressed. I got good sleep last night. I'm not worried about my sleep tonight (because I don't have to work tomorrow). I feel thankful and happy that I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't mind working. I am able to work well and effectively without feeling incompetent.
Amelia took her first steps on Saturday! She is getting so big! I love her so much.
Lately I've been struggling with accepting my new life. I'm not going to be able to get things I want to done. I have to accept that. I'm not going to be able to go out with my friends until I feel ready. I'm happy to accept that, but a little sad that I am missing my friends. I am having the most trouble realizing I won't get to sew much in the near future. I didn't mind so much when I accepted this to be the case. But now I REALLY want to sew some things and it's tough to accept this as reality. I was okay with it for the first year. Now I'm itching to get stuff made! But, trying to get sewing done is just too stressful. I can't put pressure on myself to get things done. It is just too much. I need to focus on what I need to/have to do: work, take care of my baby, and take care of myself. Anything beyond that needs to just go to the wayside for now. And I need to make my peace with that... and yet I still hold out hope!
What makes it a good day? That's what my therapist asked me. Basically it boils down to: I have energy and I feel happy. I feel like there is light in the tunnel. Or maybe like I'm out of the tunnel. I feel lighter and it feels like there are possibilities--like maybe I could make or do something. I can concentrate. I don't feel fear or anxiety. I don't feel sad or depressed. I got good sleep last night. I'm not worried about my sleep tonight (because I don't have to work tomorrow). I feel thankful and happy that I don't have to work tomorrow. I don't mind working. I am able to work well and effectively without feeling incompetent.
Amelia took her first steps on Saturday! She is getting so big! I love her so much.
Lately I've been struggling with accepting my new life. I'm not going to be able to get things I want to done. I have to accept that. I'm not going to be able to go out with my friends until I feel ready. I'm happy to accept that, but a little sad that I am missing my friends. I am having the most trouble realizing I won't get to sew much in the near future. I didn't mind so much when I accepted this to be the case. But now I REALLY want to sew some things and it's tough to accept this as reality. I was okay with it for the first year. Now I'm itching to get stuff made! But, trying to get sewing done is just too stressful. I can't put pressure on myself to get things done. It is just too much. I need to focus on what I need to/have to do: work, take care of my baby, and take care of myself. Anything beyond that needs to just go to the wayside for now. And I need to make my peace with that... and yet I still hold out hope!
Monday, January 10, 2011
From Postpartum Progress: 20 Things I Never Want to Hear Again about PPD
I actually laughed out loud for some of these. If you've ever dealt with this, you can probably relate.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
My Baby Can Communicate!
So within the last 2 days, Amelia has started pointing! I know this may not seem like a lot, but to me this is an amazingly huge thing.
See, I am a communicator. Let's break it down. I MAJORED in communication for both undergraduate and graduate school. I am an infamous chatterbox. I communicate for a LIVING (in fact, my profession is called "Technical Communicator"). I write 2 BLOGS. I am a social butterfly (which means I connect to people via lots of communication).
Yes, I'd say communication is my forte.
Which means that you can imagine how I've been waiting for my little sponge of a baby to start interacting back with me. And every time she has interacted--laughing, smiling, playing, even crying--I have celebrated that she has communicated with me and let me know what she needs/likes/dislikes. A few months ago she learned a few sign language signals--milk (which she subsequently used to mean tired, hungry, AND milk) and bye-bye. At one point she could do more, but I think we overloaded her brain. In the last month she started saying "Ma" by which I think she means "milk." Since it's the first hand sign she learned and pretty much the only thing she feels strongly about when it's absent, it makes sense it would be her first word. And she's been communicating with us by turning her head when she doesn't want food or, more recently, pushing away things she doesn't want.
And now, she can point! To everything! Two days ago she pointed to her water and then she drank it! Yesterday she pointed to her pacifier. Today she pointed to a water bottle she wanted to play with. It's amazing! She is truly able to tell us what she wants. And, it's also exciting that she clearly understand things now. She knows who mommy is, who daddy is, what the kitty is, what milk is, and more! It's amazing! And it feels like such a breakthrough. We can finally get a teeny tiny window into Amelia's world now that she can "talk back." And it is so exciting and refreshing.
See, I am a communicator. Let's break it down. I MAJORED in communication for both undergraduate and graduate school. I am an infamous chatterbox. I communicate for a LIVING (in fact, my profession is called "Technical Communicator"). I write 2 BLOGS. I am a social butterfly (which means I connect to people via lots of communication).
Yes, I'd say communication is my forte.
Which means that you can imagine how I've been waiting for my little sponge of a baby to start interacting back with me. And every time she has interacted--laughing, smiling, playing, even crying--I have celebrated that she has communicated with me and let me know what she needs/likes/dislikes. A few months ago she learned a few sign language signals--milk (which she subsequently used to mean tired, hungry, AND milk) and bye-bye. At one point she could do more, but I think we overloaded her brain. In the last month she started saying "Ma" by which I think she means "milk." Since it's the first hand sign she learned and pretty much the only thing she feels strongly about when it's absent, it makes sense it would be her first word. And she's been communicating with us by turning her head when she doesn't want food or, more recently, pushing away things she doesn't want.
And now, she can point! To everything! Two days ago she pointed to her water and then she drank it! Yesterday she pointed to her pacifier. Today she pointed to a water bottle she wanted to play with. It's amazing! She is truly able to tell us what she wants. And, it's also exciting that she clearly understand things now. She knows who mommy is, who daddy is, what the kitty is, what milk is, and more! It's amazing! And it feels like such a breakthrough. We can finally get a teeny tiny window into Amelia's world now that she can "talk back." And it is so exciting and refreshing.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Reflecting on 2010
Well I can safely say that 2010 was the most life-changing year of my life. It had the highest highs, some of the lowest lows, and some of the most interesting challenges. I've had to learn to wait on God and to totally relinquish control. I couldn't choose when the baby came or how and she did and it was wonderful. I couldn't choose how my body responded or how long it is taking to get better and I am still surviving. And I couldn't imagine how much I love and cherish my sweet daughter more than anything I have ever known. She is amazing and fun and cute and I cannot get enough! I love showing her off, seeing her newest tricks and watching her learn.
It was an unforgettable year.
Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.
I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)
It was an unforgettable year.
Normally the end of the year causes me to feel depressed, like I didn't do enough and my life isn't measuring up to much. But this year I knew that 1) I have a huge excuse with a baby and having her pretty much disqualifies me from being able to accomplish other things and 2) It's time for me to be nice to myself. If there's one thing I've learned from Post Partum Anxiety is that you cannot, should not, must not get down on yourself. You MUST not blame yourself, feel guilty, or allow yourself to think you are doing something wrong. You do what you can, analyze yourself to a point, and then let it go. Let it all go. You don't numb yourself, but you learn that you cannot make yourself better. You cannot bring yourself to where you think you "should" be. You can only go forward. That's it. Deal with today. Pray for tomorrow. Enjoy the small tokens of happiness and blessings that you can get, even on the worst days. And then get through it. Nothing is essential except that you and your family survive. Period. Let things go and take care of myself because I must function in order to take care of my family. Period.
I wish you all a happy new year! Hopefully 2011 will bring us all new joys and my recovery! :-)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Today is a Bad Day
I wish I had good news to report, but instead all the happy days get overshadowed where there is one like this. I am depressed today. There is no other way to describe it. I just want to cry and cry and cry and wallow in it. I feel terrible. I am mentally and physically exhuasted. I can't express emotion. I can't eat. I can't function. I just want to hold my baby and bawl my eyes out. I just want to be relieved of this misery. I will do anything--ANYTHING. I have been suffering for so long and I'm just so tired of it. So so tired. and so depressed. My body is working against me. I feel like it hates me and I just want to kill it. I want a new one that doesn't trap me with fatigue. One that sleeps and gets rest. I can take pain and aches and problems, but not this. This is the worst thing I can think of outside of a terminal illness and death. Why can't I get better? Why isn't this getting better? I don't know what to do anymore and my thoughts are veering dark...
Monday, December 27, 2010
What Is Motherhood?
Merry Belated Christmas to all! In general things are good here. Christmas was just us three in Oakland this year. I wish family could be around, but I'm SO glad I didn't have to travel and get into any bad (read: cold) weather! It was also nice to just have a few days of relaxing time at home off of work. It certainly helped me feel less anxious and more relaxed. The days haven't all been perfect, but I think what I'm finally learning is what my new life is going to be like.My only preconcieved notion of motherhood was that it IS possible to do it all--that the baby doesn't have to change you. I have read so much about the disillusionment of motherhood. About how the baby rips you from the life you once had and suddenly you are a totally different person and you lose your sense of self, etc. But, I continued to believe that this only happens if you let it. I read an article about the loss of self related to motherhood after having Amelia and I thought, "These people are silly. Why did they let it get to them? I will never be like that." And when my previously cool friends turned into overprotective, child-obsessed people I scoffed. But, now that I've had some time to really get used to Amelia in my life--to really see what my life is and what it will be like for the next many years, it's a real eye-opener.
Yes, I've lost my sense of self--sort of. I'm still me, but unlike what I expected, I REALLY want to be around my baby ALL the time. She is cool and funny and really friggin cute. I think I hold on to her so much because I see how rapidly she is changing and I want to hang on to every minute when she is sweet and adorable and small and smiley. I know it won't last forever. I see her changing before my eyes. One day away at work and I come home and notice her face is different and her hair is longer and she's doing something new. It really makes me want to spend every waking second with her. My interests and hobbies have taken a backseat to this. As she gets older, I think it will get easier. She won't change as rapidly and she'll be easier to take places. For now, it's easier just to be home and hang out--as boring as it sounds. And, I hate to be away from her, partly because I work so many of her waking hours and partly because I don't want to miss any more than I have to.
Then there's the nursing. In a previous post I said that it makes me tired. So even when Amelia's asleep, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just so tired! I love nursing and I LOVE that it allows me to eat anything and still drop pounds, but it definitely makes it hard to go anywhere in the evening. That and, of course, my sleeping issues, which are gradually getting better. I think I'm finally learning that it's okay to have a bad night here and there and that it happens. It's best if I don't let it ruin my day, but it can be hard not to let it get to me. And then, for most parents whose baby doesn't even sleep through the night, the thought must go through their minds, "Why would I waste time going out tonight, when I could be sleeping?!" You have to take advantage of it while you can! And, even if I did want to go out, Amelia would be up at 7:30, pretty much destroying any possibility for me to sleep in. I think that going out will have to wait a few years.
As for bringing her places--that can be tough, too. It's not that hard to bring her places, but it can take some effort. She requires a lot of stuff--diaper bag, pacifier, food, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. And I can totally manage that. But what is tough is when she is moving and getting into things and I have to keep an eye on her. I really can't just let her roam free--not yet. She's too young to understand she could choke or electrocute herself or pull something heavy on top of her. This makes it really hard to take her places. Add to that the lack of energy and you are starting to get the picture.
All this and I have an EASY baby. I mean, the EASIEST! She is mellow, easy-going, relaxed, and fine in 90% of situations, but it's still hard. Even putting all this on paper, I still can't figure out what, exactly, makes it so dang hard... But I do see now why people think it is attractive to go out without your children or to stay in with them! And I do think that I am finally starting to understand that Amelia is forever. She's not just a fun novelty toy (duh! but that's kind of the image I had in my head of me with a baby) that I'll get to hug forever. She's a real person and I'm only now starting to see how responsible for her I am. And, even more, I'm starting to see how I am a totally normal and (I think) super cool person and I am a mother. And I never really thought that about mine or any other mothers. But now I think I am coming around. I am starting to really see the sacrifice and work that goes into it and I'm really appreciative of all the women who have done this for years. Mothers are friggin' amazing! And, to think they didn't even have as much help as I did! I'm lucky and blessed and I know it, but dang motherhood is definitely turning out to be an adventure unlike anything I ever expected or experienced!
PS: I think having a dog actually WOULD prepare you for having a kid. It's a similar dynamic. You have to put in the effort to train, walk, feed, and water them AND it's long term AND you have to find a dog-sitter for when you want to go out. Big difference on the sleep, nursing, and hormones front though. :-)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Nursing Makes Me Tired?
So I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I've been feeling so tired and low energy lately. I keep thinking this is a result of my anxiety. When I was pregnant I felt tired and low energy a lot of the time and it had to do with my incubating a small human. But now I wonder if there's something wrong with me and why I feel almost the same as when I was pregnant tired. My brain feels asleep at times and, even when I get lots of sleep, I just feel like I want to lay on the couch and watch a good movie.
I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!
I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!
Friday, December 10, 2010
It's the Holiday Season
It's been a long time since I last posted and I can tell you why. I've been busy doing a lot of things on the Internet and I haven't had time to blog. What have I been doing you ask? Shopping! Yes, I got into a sort of addiction there for a bit. It all started with shoes (doesn't it always?) and ended with new pants, new tops, new leggings, new sweaters, and a pair of new boots. I learned some valuable lessons about ordering items online (shop at the stores that offer free return shipping!). Why did I do this? Well, since our move we no longer really live near any stores I can reasonably shop at, so I've been doing pretty much all my shopping online. Plus, I really relish my weekend time with Amelia and when I needed a few new things, I just figured it would be easier. Except that I bought a ton of stuff from about 5 or 6 different places, which may have been about as much of a pain as it would have been to shop in the first place... I had to return things in person--it was just a mess.
Anyway, Amelia is getting so big! She is 9 months old now and is crawling (still pretty much army style, but with the occasional hands and knees crawl) and standing on everything. She isn't super exploratory yet, which is great for mom and dad, but man she likes to put everything in her mouth! Still no teeth, but we are anxiously anticipating that they will arrive... someday... It's kind of become a joke now. We ask, "Is she teething? Is she teeting?" but nope, not yet.
I am also doing pretty well. We traveled to Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, which was both nice and stressful. It can be pretty hard on me to travel right now. I may think about taking a long term medication to help manage my anxiety. The sleep thing is pretty much getting figured out. I've tapered down really well and I'm still taking the medication, but not much and I think I'm getting to sleep pretty well on my own these days! Exciting! Of course, that just shows me what kinds of anxiety is left to clear up and I do see that I have some anxiety that limits me from being able to enjoy my life, thus the discussion about meds.
On the up side, my brother is getting married in March and, even though I haven't met her, my future sister-in law seems very nice! And, I get to be in the wedding. That will make me a bridesmaid 3 times and I've still been a bride, so ha! Anyway, that's what's up with us. We got a holiday card made on Shutterfly and are sending it out. Although we only ordered 75 and I think we have something like 150 people on our list, so not everyone will be getting a card! Hopefully, they understand!
Anyway, Amelia is getting so big! She is 9 months old now and is crawling (still pretty much army style, but with the occasional hands and knees crawl) and standing on everything. She isn't super exploratory yet, which is great for mom and dad, but man she likes to put everything in her mouth! Still no teeth, but we are anxiously anticipating that they will arrive... someday... It's kind of become a joke now. We ask, "Is she teething? Is she teeting?" but nope, not yet.
I am also doing pretty well. We traveled to Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, which was both nice and stressful. It can be pretty hard on me to travel right now. I may think about taking a long term medication to help manage my anxiety. The sleep thing is pretty much getting figured out. I've tapered down really well and I'm still taking the medication, but not much and I think I'm getting to sleep pretty well on my own these days! Exciting! Of course, that just shows me what kinds of anxiety is left to clear up and I do see that I have some anxiety that limits me from being able to enjoy my life, thus the discussion about meds.
On the up side, my brother is getting married in March and, even though I haven't met her, my future sister-in law seems very nice! And, I get to be in the wedding. That will make me a bridesmaid 3 times and I've still been a bride, so ha! Anyway, that's what's up with us. We got a holiday card made on Shutterfly and are sending it out. Although we only ordered 75 and I think we have something like 150 people on our list, so not everyone will be getting a card! Hopefully, they understand!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Holiday Card 2010
Sparkling Scarlet Snowflakes Christmas
Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.
View the entire collection of cards.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Normal? Sort of? And What You Didn't Know About PPD
So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.
It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.
Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.
And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.
When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.
But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.
It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.
Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.
And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.
When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.
But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Doing pretty good....
Got past the move. Now onto life. Last week was pretty tough, but after a discussion with my psychiatrist, I learned that it can take up to 3 months to feel settled in a new place and to give myself a break if my anxiety isn't fully in check yet. I'm inclined to agree. Every weekend I learn a little more about the neighborhood and where things are.
Something really good did come out of last week's difficulties: I reached out to some local resources and was able to get hooked up with a PPD support group and a low-cost therapist who has a PPD specialty. I also got hooked up with a lady who's been through this before AND has come through it twice. She's really been an encouragement to me. And I'm learning to be positive and have a positive mindset. I'm reading a really good book that talks about Christians turning to God for everything and I'm really trying to let go and believe that God 1) will end this for me and 2) will make something good come out of it. And, I've been doing very well the last few days and I feel pretty well physically, which is good, too.
Saturday we went to the local farmer's market and I joined the nearby gym (thanks, Work, for the subsidy!). Saturday I ran around the lake. Sunday I worked out at the gym, since it rained. We went to our local Babies R Us and Trader Joes and even squeezed in some time to hang out with friends (Amelia went to her first pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving!). :-)
Our new place is proving to be pretty great. It looks tidy most of the time because the living room is a bit wider--even with all the baby stuff. That's a relief! And because of the mirrors in the bedroom and everything staying pretty well in the place it has, it looks neat all the time. I love that! Also, it might have something to do with the fact that I actually have time to tidy up when I get home from work. And get meals ready for the next day. What a luxury!
The picture is of the area our new apartment is near. We live to the right of the picture, right on the edge in the lower hills. As you can see, it's really pretty!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Post Partum Depression Resources
In case anyone reading this is dealing with PPD and needs some help, I found a really great blog on it online called Postpartum Progress. It even led me to a local person who runs a PPD support group that I will probably join (hooray!) and has many links for local resources, if you are suffering from that at all.
After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.
The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.
I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.
At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!
Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.
On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?
Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)
After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.
The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.
I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.
At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!
Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.
On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?
Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)
You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.
As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.
See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...
Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!
Frustrating!!!
But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Ups and Downs
Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.
In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.
Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.
The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.
I just feel so lost right now.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My New Life!
Praise Jesus, the hard part is over. My GOD! Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, I know, moving is generally hard and sucks. But this move in particular was a huge stressor for me. You all know why. I write and write about it to death. To sum up: anxiety issues, baby, crazy long work schedule, sleep problems, blah, blah, blah.
But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.
First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.
Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!
So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).
Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.
Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.
The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!
This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)
So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!
But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.
First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.
Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!
So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).
Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.
Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.
The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!
This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)
So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
I have a mental illness
Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.
This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.
I need an ativan.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
