Today is a Bad Day

I wish I had good news to report, but instead all the happy days get overshadowed where there is one like this. I am depressed today. There is no other way to describe it. I just want to cry and cry and cry and wallow in it. I feel terrible. I am mentally and physically exhuasted. I can't express emotion. I can't eat. I can't function. I just want to hold my baby and bawl my eyes out. I just want to be relieved of this misery. I will do anything--ANYTHING. I have been suffering for so long and I'm just so tired of it. So so tired. and so depressed. My body is working against me. I feel like it hates me and I just want to kill it. I want a new one that doesn't trap me with fatigue. One that sleeps and gets rest. I can take pain and aches and problems, but not this. This is the worst thing I can think of outside of a terminal illness and death. Why can't I get better? Why isn't this getting better? I don't know what to do anymore and my thoughts are veering dark...

What Is Motherhood?

Merry Belated Christmas to all! In general things are good here. Christmas was just us three in Oakland this year. I wish family could be around, but I'm SO glad I didn't have to travel and get into any bad (read: cold) weather! It was also nice to just have a few days of relaxing time at home off of work. It certainly helped me feel less anxious and more relaxed. The days haven't all been perfect, but I think what I'm finally learning is what my new life is going to be like.

My only preconcieved notion of motherhood was that it IS possible to do it all--that the baby doesn't have to change you. I have read so much about the disillusionment of motherhood. About how the baby rips you from the life you once had and suddenly you are a totally different person and you lose your sense of self, etc. But, I continued to believe that this only happens if you let it. I read an article about the loss of self related to motherhood after having Amelia and I thought, "These people are silly. Why did they let it get to them? I will never be like that." And when my previously cool friends turned into overprotective, child-obsessed people I scoffed. But, now that I've had some time to really get used to Amelia in my life--to really see what my life is and what it will be like for the next many years, it's a real eye-opener.

Yes, I've lost my sense of self--sort of. I'm still me, but unlike what I expected, I REALLY want to be around my baby ALL the time. She is cool and funny and really friggin cute. I think I hold on to her so much because I see how rapidly she is changing and I want to hang on to every minute when she is sweet and adorable and small and smiley. I know it won't last forever. I see her changing before my eyes. One day away at work and I come home and notice her face is different and her hair is longer and she's doing something new. It really makes me want to spend every waking second with her. My interests and hobbies have taken a backseat to this. As she gets older, I think it will get easier. She won't change as rapidly and she'll be easier to take places. For now, it's easier just to be home and hang out--as boring as it sounds. And, I hate to be away from her, partly because I work so many of her waking hours and partly because I don't want to miss any more than I have to.

Then there's the nursing. In a previous post I said that it makes me tired. So even when Amelia's asleep, I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. I'm just so tired! I love nursing and I LOVE that it allows me to eat anything and still drop pounds, but it definitely makes it hard to go anywhere in the evening. That and, of course, my sleeping issues, which are gradually getting better. I think I'm finally learning that it's okay to have a bad night here and there and that it happens. It's best if I don't let it ruin my day, but it can be hard not to let it get to me. And then, for most parents whose baby doesn't even sleep through the night, the thought must go through their minds, "Why would I waste time going out tonight, when I could be sleeping?!" You have to take advantage of it while you can! And, even if I did want to go out, Amelia would be up at 7:30, pretty much destroying any possibility for me to sleep in. I think that going out will have to wait a few years.

As for bringing her places--that can be tough, too. It's not that hard to bring her places, but it can take some effort. She requires a lot of stuff--diaper bag, pacifier, food, extra diapers, extra clothes, etc. And I can totally manage that. But what is tough is when she is moving and getting into things and I have to keep an eye on her. I really can't just let her roam free--not yet. She's too young to understand she could choke or electrocute herself or pull something heavy on top of her. This makes it really hard to take her places. Add to that the lack of energy and you are starting to get the picture.

All this and I have an EASY baby. I mean, the EASIEST! She is mellow, easy-going, relaxed, and fine in 90% of situations, but it's still hard. Even putting all this on paper, I still can't figure out what, exactly, makes it so dang hard... But I do see now why people think it is attractive to go out without your children or to stay in with them! And I do think that I am finally starting to understand that Amelia is forever. She's not just a fun novelty toy (duh! but that's kind of the image I had in my head of me with a baby) that I'll get to hug forever. She's a real person and I'm only now starting to see how responsible for her I am. And, even more, I'm starting to see how I am a totally normal and (I think) super cool person and I am a mother. And I never really thought that about mine or any other mothers. But now I think I am coming around. I am starting to really see the sacrifice and work that goes into it and I'm really appreciative of all the women who have done this for years. Mothers are friggin' amazing! And, to think they didn't even have as much help as I did! I'm lucky and blessed and I know it, but dang motherhood is definitely turning out to be an adventure unlike anything I ever expected or experienced!

PS: I think having a dog actually WOULD prepare you for having a kid. It's a similar dynamic. You have to put in the effort to train, walk, feed, and water them AND it's long term AND you have to find a dog-sitter for when you want to go out. Big difference on the sleep, nursing, and hormones front though. :-)

Nursing Makes Me Tired?

So I was talking with my therapist yesterday about how I've been feeling so tired and low energy lately. I keep thinking this is a result of my anxiety. When I was pregnant I felt tired and low energy a lot of the time and it had to do with my incubating a small human. But now I wonder if there's something wrong with me and why I feel almost the same as when I was pregnant tired. My brain feels asleep at times and, even when I get lots of sleep, I just feel like I want to lay on the couch and watch a good movie.

I keep thinking, man, I need to get over this. What is causing this? And she said something that was so friggin' obvious I can't believe it! Nursing can make you tired. Oh. Right. Duh. I'm feeding another person who's getting bigger and I can't ever seem to get enough food. Which could be part of the problem. Maybe I'm not eating enough. On the other hand, I eat SO MUCH I have been trying not to eat so much because it seems obscene. So... I guess that I need to work on that. But it was such an amazing revelation. She said some women need to take naps every day when they are nursing. And I work all day and come home and take care of my baby and I'm still nursing and pumping a lot (and trying to donate extra milk as well) and I'm TIRED! And it makes sense. So now I feel like I can finally give myself a break. What a relief!

It's the Holiday Season

It's been a long time since I last posted and I can tell you why. I've been busy doing a lot of things on the Internet and I haven't had time to blog. What have I been doing you ask? Shopping! Yes, I got into a sort of addiction there for a bit. It all started with shoes (doesn't it always?) and ended with new pants, new tops, new leggings, new sweaters, and a pair of new boots. I learned some valuable lessons about ordering items online (shop at the stores that offer free return shipping!). Why did I do this? Well, since our move we no longer really live near any stores I can reasonably shop at, so I've been doing pretty much all my shopping online. Plus, I really relish my weekend time with Amelia and when I needed a few new things, I just figured it would be easier. Except that I bought a ton of stuff from about 5 or 6 different places, which may have been about as much of a pain as it would have been to shop in the first place... I had to return things in person--it was just a mess.

Anyway, Amelia is getting so big! She is 9 months old now and is crawling (still pretty much army style, but with the occasional hands and knees crawl) and standing on everything. She isn't super exploratory yet, which is great for mom and dad, but man she likes to put everything in her mouth! Still no teeth, but we are anxiously anticipating that they will arrive... someday... It's kind of become a joke now. We ask, "Is she teething? Is she teeting?" but nope, not yet.

I am also doing pretty well. We traveled to Santa Barbara for Thanksgiving, which was both nice and stressful. It can be pretty hard on me to travel right now. I may think about taking a long term medication to help manage my anxiety. The sleep thing is pretty much getting figured out. I've tapered down really well and I'm still taking the medication, but not much and I think I'm getting to sleep pretty well on my own these days! Exciting! Of course, that just shows me what kinds of anxiety is left to clear up and I do see that I have some anxiety that limits me from being able to enjoy my life, thus the discussion about meds.

On the up side, my brother is getting married in March and, even though I haven't met her, my future sister-in law seems very nice! And, I get to be in the wedding. That will make me a bridesmaid 3 times and I've still been a bride, so ha! Anyway, that's what's up with us. We got a holiday card made on Shutterfly and are sending it out. Although we only ordered 75 and I think we have something like 150 people on our list, so not everyone will be getting a card! Hopefully, they understand!

Holiday Card 2010

Sparkling Scarlet Snowflakes Christmas

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Normal? Sort of? And What You Didn't Know About PPD

So, first things first... Now that life is settling down I can, for the first time in about 8.5 months begin to feel a sort of normal. Not that I am back to normal or that life is like it was before Amelia, but instead, I actually have a regular life and routine. I couldn't even REMEMBER what it was like to have a normal job and come home and have an evening. Now I am starting to remember it and it's paving the way for me to be supremely bored sometimes in the evening (which is awesome!). In all the chaos, it's like I forgot how life could be. And, as you know, there has been lots of chaos.

It's also paving the way for me to get back to tapering off my meds and for me to identify what the issues are that I'm having that aren't related to huge stressors. For example, I sometimes feel anxious in the evening for no particular reason. But, I now see that I felt a small amount of anxiety in the evenings before I was pregnant. When I lived in Indiana I attributed it to not living where I wanted to. When I had my last job, I attributed it to not being happy in my job. Now, I have no specific reasons and I've learned a lot about coping and I understand my feelings more and I'm able to see that this might just be who I am. Or, I'll have to find another way to cope like I did before by throwing myself into sewing, fashion, and knitting. Only problem, is that this time, I don't have much time and while I would say my daughter is my new hobby, a lot of my anxiety revolves around her.

Which brings me to my second point. I learned something new about post-partum depression/anxiety. I started attending a new "Post Partum Stress" support group run by a local therapist. Weirdly, the people in the group did not identify with having PPD or post-partum anxiety. I totally took it for granted that they would know what it was, understand that it includes anxiety and all kinds of weird stress stuff and accept that they have it. Instead, it was a room full of women who thought they didn't qualify for PPD, but who actually do. So I guess it's like me in the beginning. I didn't think I had it because I didn't feel depressed or detached from my baby.

And this is what I learned at the group. Apparently it can go the other way, too. You can actually feel MORE attached to your baby than you thought and THAT causes a lot of anxiety. And when the therapist said this it was like a light bulb turned on. It resonated to true to me. I feel WAY more attached to Amelia than I thought I would. I have trouble leaving her other than for work. I was happy to go to work and get away a little, but when I'm home on the weekend and in the evenings I often feel like I need to be around her constantly. In the evenings in particular, my anxiety is heightened and sometimes I worry about sleep, especially if I had a bad night recently. And I fear the idea of leaving her and my safe, comfy home, and being anywhere else because I'd be away from her and because it might interfere with my sleep and my routine.

When she was a very tiny infant, I was constantly afraid I was doing something wrong, and that she couldn't communicate to us that something was wrong or wouldn't because she's so easy-going. I was always concerned about her when I knew in my head everything was perfectly fine. It's a weird dichotomy, and apparently one that is VERY common in PPD. You know everything is fine. You know you are saying/doing/thinking something unreasonable, yet you really have trouble letting it go. And it gets worse during stressful times (e.g. moving). I wish more people knew about this type of manifestation of Post Partum Depression. I wonder how many people it could help.

But, for me, the stress is decreasing and I am getting back to normal. Oh what a long journey it has been! Thinking through the last 8 months it just boggles my mind all I've gone through.

Doing pretty good....

Got past the move. Now onto life. Last week was pretty tough, but after a discussion with my psychiatrist, I learned that it can take up to 3 months to feel settled in a new place and to give myself a break if my anxiety isn't fully in check yet. I'm inclined to agree. Every weekend I learn a little more about the neighborhood and where things are.

Something really good did come out of last week's difficulties: I reached out to some local resources and was able to get hooked up with a PPD support group and a low-cost therapist who has a PPD specialty. I also got hooked up with a lady who's been through this before AND has come through it twice. She's really been an encouragement to me. And I'm learning to be positive and have a positive mindset. I'm reading a really good book that talks about Christians turning to God for everything and I'm really trying to let go and believe that God 1) will end this for me and 2) will make something good come out of it. And, I've been doing very well the last few days and I feel pretty well physically, which is good, too.

Saturday we went to the local farmer's market and I joined the nearby gym (thanks, Work, for the subsidy!). Saturday I ran around the lake. Sunday I worked out at the gym, since it rained. We went to our local Babies R Us and Trader Joes and even squeezed in some time to hang out with friends (Amelia went to her first pumpkin patch and pumpkin carving!). :-)

Our new place is proving to be pretty great. It looks tidy most of the time because the living room is a bit wider--even with all the baby stuff. That's a relief! And because of the mirrors in the bedroom and everything staying pretty well in the place it has, it looks neat all the time. I love that! Also, it might have something to do with the fact that I actually have time to tidy up when I get home from work. And get meals ready for the next day. What a luxury!

The picture is of the area our new apartment is near. We live to the right of the picture, right on the edge in the lower hills. As you can see, it's really pretty!

Post Partum Depression Resources

In case anyone reading this is dealing with PPD and needs some help, I found a really great blog on it online called Postpartum Progress. It even led me to a local person who runs a PPD support group that I will probably join (hooray!) and has many links for local resources, if you are suffering from that at all.

After a chat with my psychiatrist yesterday, I felt much better. My sleeping patterns have started being slightly more erratic than I am comfortable with and I've been feeling "the fear" again some days. But then other days, I'm feeling great and I sleep great, so I wondered why it is I felt like I was going backwards rather than forwards.

The first thing I learned was that when you move, it can take up to 3 months to really feel comfortable and settled. The Dr. recommended I give myself that time and, he said, if I need to take more meds to sleep, that's ok and to give myself a break.

I also learned I should probably, for now, just cut caffeine out entirely. Not really a big problem, but I love my coffee in the AM. I love the jolt! But I would rather have sound sleep than an AM jolt, so no worries there. He also said to keep TV to a minimum and to stop doing heavy weight lifting. He said those can interfere with sleep. But pilates and low weights should be fine. That I didn't know.

At any rate, he said that there are ups and downs with sleep and it's not something that is easy to control. He reinforced that I need to give myself a break and I think he's right. I've also felt very much like I need some PPD-specific support, especially because my therapist doesn't have any specialty in the area. So I should hopefully be starting a support group soon. Yay!

Thank God for helping me through this. Ugh. I just want to be past it and myself again.

On an unrelated note, I'm hoping to do some crafting again. Strangely, I honestly can't remember a time when I didn't have a baby to think about and work around in regards to my sewing and knitting. Weird, right?

Oh yeah, and she's also learned to creep! She is SOOOO adorable. My baby can almost crawl! Watch out mommy and daddy! :-)

I just keep losing it, losing it... (the weight, that is!)

You all thought I was talking about my mental health! While it's true I've lost it already, I was talking about my weight.

I found someone online who is interested in taking some of the extra milk I've been pumping, which is very encouraging to me. I have been wanting to donate milk ever since before I started breastfeeding and my breasts produce a LOT more than Amelia can drink. But milk banks and most parents won't take my milk because of the meds I take for sleeping.

As you know, I'm working on tapering them down and I've been desperate to do so so I can donate milk. But that's just another factor I don't need to give me incentive to taper down faster. I need to go at my own pace, as my body allows and not try to speed it up. So, while I'm waiting to stabilize at 1.25 before I can taper down to 1 and so on and so forth all the way to none, there's nothing to be done with the extra milk. Until now! And the great news of all this is that I am still losing weight (thanks to the nursing). Well, at least it's KIND OF good news.

See, it's one of those things where, I was already happy that I was able to fit into a size 10, but now that I bought tons of clothes in that size, none of them fit me anymore. It's great, because I feel great, but I feel like it's dangerous territory to go into because once you continue going down in size, it's hard not to get a complex when you gain weight back. So, if you never lost it, you never know what you are missing. You think, well, here's my new size. I'm going to be happy here. And then you lose more and are like, well crap. I don't want to gain more weight, but I do want to have clothes that fit, but then if I buy them and gain weight back, I'll be so sad. So it's a catch 22. On the one hand, I LOVE looking super skinny and on the other, it just makes me hope I don't gain it back. But I have to fight that mindset. And, it's hard because I've established some very bad habits of overeating and eating lots of sugary junk food...

Yet another down side is that my clothes are baggy on me except for the few things I kept from when I was on the small side that I decided to get rid of, confident I'd never fit into them ever again. Now, however, I'm too small for the vast majority of my clothes (most of them purchased 3 months and 10 lbs ago). So... what's a girl to do? I don't really feel like shopping these days--mostly because we just moved and I don't know where any good stores are and I don't really have the energy to find out... And also because I hate to spend the money when I just redid my entire wardrobe for about $300... I could try to make some clothes, but not until the new apartment is finished!

Frustrating!!!

But also, really great. So, we shall see what will happen next!

Ups and Downs

Well, this week just feels like one big challenge. We are mostly unpacked in the living and bedroom areas now and pretty much just need to do Amelia's room (which we can never do at night, cuz she's in there sleeping) and put some things in storage (which we are waiting to get/get delivered). Otherwise, the house is pretty much in order, which is great!

However, every day is frought with worry and concern and upset. This week a co-worker complained that I was talking too loudly and for too long about non-work related stuff. Being that I'm already in a sensitive place, it was pretty tough for me to handle and ever since then I've been on the brink of tears at any given moment. I feel incredibly paranoid at work about it now and this mostly has to do with my being overly sensitive to everything.

In addition, I'm having some problems with my mom. She and I usually get into it now and then, but when you throw a mental illness in there, it makes me want to recoil from her or just get her undying, devoted support. Unfortunately, the latter just isn't going to happen. When we talk she gets defensive and we can never really resolve anything. We need about 10 hardcore therapy sessions to help us work out our issues. I am really starting to feel that I can't even have a relationship with her if we don't work these things out because she pretty much is making my life so difficult it's affecting work, my personal life, my home life, everything. I can't even think about her without, again, wanting to burst into tears. I mean, even right now, I'm sitting at my desk at work crying. Again. I could go on and on about this. I don't understand how a mother can act this way. I see how I feel with my daughter and my mom doesn't seem to feel the way about me that I do about Amelia. If she needed help, I would listen. If she needed support, I would be there. I would apologize and try to make things right until the ends of the earth if she had a problem with me. I would do anything to make it right. But my mom is just not like that and I guess I'm not ready to accept it.

Oh don't worry, I'll be talking to the therapist about this tonight.

The thing that worries me though is that I feel like withdrawing from everyone. I can't imagine trying to call my friends or making an effort to see or talk to anyone. The person I would usually call is my mom. I am also very concerned about the fact that I am so sensitive to everything, fixating on little things, and crying and feeling totally screwed up all the time. I'm concerned I'm having some kind of anxiety/depression relapse thing. I mean, I literally want to lay in bed all day and not leave it. I don't even want to see my daughter. I just want to lay in bed and sleep and cry. Work is agony. Having to stay here for hours every day. I'm kind of bored in what I'm doing (and I liked it before). But, now I'm afraid to talk to anyone or ask any questions because I was complained about. So I have no one at work, no family to care or help, and no friends either.

I just feel so lost right now.

My New Life!

Praise Jesus, the hard part is over. My GOD! Moving was the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, I know, moving is generally hard and sucks. But this move in particular was a huge stressor for me. You all know why. I write and write about it to death. To sum up: anxiety issues, baby, crazy long work schedule, sleep problems, blah, blah, blah.

But, now! Now I am past it! I am past the move. It is behind me. I can stay in my apartment forever if I want, if I'm still dealing with anxiety in the future and I have a job relatively close by. Wow. I feel so SO much better today. Let me fill you in on how the weekend went.

First, we hired a person to come and help us pack on Saturday. Good thing, too, because, while my sweet and generous friends did trickle in one by one to help us, there is no way we would have got it all done on our own. There just weren't enough bodies all at once. It is amazing how little you can accomplish when you have a baby to watch! We packed up the living room, our bedroom, and part of Amelia's room, and the packer did the rest. Aaron deserves a huge amount of credit for actually getting any packing done at all during the week while watching Amelia. He has been amazing! Then, while I watched the baby on Saturday and Sunday, he finished packing up the remaining loose odds and ends. He knew I was stressed and really just picked up where I could not go on. I am so thankful for such a loving and dedicated husband. I am so blessed! We paid the packer $100 and that included some materials. It was totally worth it because we were able to spend time with our friends, too. Which was nice, but a little stressful for me (I hadn't realized at the time that I was in a heighted state of anxiety and entertaining was not something I could do well). Fortunately, my friends all came with the expectation of helping us pack and ended up just hanging out, so they got more than they bargained for anyway, and their expectations were low.

Friday night I really didn't sleep all that well. Okay, but not great. Mostly I got to bed late, then woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep. That wouldn't have been an issue except that Saturday night we had a concert to go to. How's this for ironic? The venue was literally walking distance from our new apartment in Oakland, which we were moving to the next day. However, we weren't living there yet. Nor could we really stay there, because the movers came at 9am the next day, so we drove the hour there and back just to go. Silly, right?!

So, Saturday night we went to the concert. I was exhausted before we even left and basically had a mental breakdown in the car on the way up. I was torn. On the one hand, this is a band my husband has been talking and talking about for YEARS. He's been trying to get tickets to see the Flaming Lips for at least 4 years and finally got tickets for this night long before we knew we were moving. And, we NEVER pay to go see concerts because they are so expensive. So, this was a big deal for him. I had heard cool things about their shows, so I really wanted to see it. Plus I was very happy for Aaron. On the other hand, I was shattered. I knew that mentally I probably could not handle the show, but, as usual, I didn't want to miss it or let down my husband so I went. And I broke down. Fortunately I was prepared with Ativan and my Klonipin, which I took and slept all the way home in the car (it ended late, as you would expect, which, of course, I wasn't thrilled about).

Then Sunday the movers came. It was wonderful to watch them do all the hard work and be able to just hang out with Amelia. But, once we got up to the apartment we did the best we could with unpacking, which was pretty good, but not as good as it would have been if someone else could have watched her while we unpacked. So I had to go to bed in a bit of a frenzy, which led to poor sleep again Sunday night.

Since I have no more vacation days, I could only do a little unpacking in the morning before work and then I directed Aaron to please just take as much as possible out of boxes, set it anywhere and I will put it away when I get home. So he did. Much to my amazement, when I got home, the apartment was MUCH better than when I left. Which was great. We got a little more done last night, too, and that, with my exhaustion meant I slept wonderfully. I'm taking a slightly higher Klonipin dosage right now, because of all the stress. But I really feel the stress just melting off of me now, little by little. I'm really starting to feel so much better.

The final thing I wanted to share with you is about work. Yesterday at work it was like someone pushed a reset button in my brain. For one thing, I got to work SO MUCH faster! It only took me maybe 30 minutes door to door. That was incredible to me. Felt amazing. That means I had so much time to do stuff last night! This morning I could wake up at a reasonable hour! But it was good to leave the unpacking and stuff at home, go to work, and take my mind off of it. It was like being there, among the mess, just made it worse. Made me feel more anxiety knowing it needed to be done. To let it go an be forced to leave it really felt nice. Maybe no vacation days is really a blessing in disguise. I'm learning to let things go and let Aaron, or even no one, take care of it until later. It felt amazing. When I got home, he had done a lot and I actually had time! And I slept--wonderfully!

This morning I woke up without an alarm, to the sound of the baby, which is my preferred method. No more 5:30 am wake-up calls! And I took the casual carpool in to work for the first time. Only 2 blocks from my house and I got there in about 20-30 minutes. I didn't time it so I don't know for sure, but it was fast and easy! I'm going to do that every day. I feel amazing this morning. I feel relief from sleeping. I feel happy from no alarm clock and being so close to work and having a shorter commute. I feel hopeful and excited about my new life. And I really love our new apartment. We have way more storage space in the bathroom and tons of mirrors and room for all my clothes and shoes (funny how something so simple can excite you so much!) :-)

So, yes, I am now one day past the move, and I know that I will be doing better every day from now on. I will finally have a chance to put the stress behind me and life a normal life. Even just thinking about how much time I had to unpack last night, I feel great! Two hours is a huge amount of time to get back in my day. Praise the Lord that he got me through it and I'm now on the other side of it!

I have a mental illness

Well, this is interesting. Last night Aaron and I had a therapy session and I learned something. During my trip to Indiana, I found myself constantly stressed and shutting down. When other people needed something from me, I had nothing left to give because just my being there was me giving everything I had for others. I felt like I was there for only my family's benefit. I believed and still believe that there was very little benefit for me. In fact, quite the opposite.

I saw, after last night's therapy session, that the feelings I felt were, in fact, normal, especially for someone who is already dealing with anxiety issues. Last night I was able to verbalize just exactly I feel--how my body reacts--when dealing with this level of anxiety and stress.

This morning, faced with more stressors, I reacted the same way. I realize that my lashing out, my losing it when trying to keep it together, and the numbness I feel and need to plan are simply my body telling me I've had enough. And it finally hit me. I have a mental illness. Truly. Really. I am ill. I have trouble coping with my stressors. I am in a stressful life period, which makes it difficult to deal with any added stress and the sheer magnitude of things facing me for our hectic, time-crunched move and other things is bringing me to the breaking point. And, I'm not handling it well. I was just brought to that point during our "vacation" and I have not had time to come down from that. I got sick, the whole family got sick, I'm doing my stressful 12 hour work schedule for the week, and facing the future with barely a thread of hope to go on. My thread is that it will all be over in a few weeks and I can hopefully relax. I don't even remember what it feels like to have a normal, non-hectic, stressed-out life.

I need an ativan.

Amelia's first everything!

So the past couple of weeks have been pretty crazy for our family. And the craziness is only half over. We have to move next. But that's another story... Amelia took her first plane ride 2 Wednesday's ago when we took her back to Indiana for a wedding. She ended up taking a total of 4 plane rides before the end of last week. She did mostly great except on one where she was up very late at night and did not want to go to sleep. She met her giant extended family there and got passed off to about a billion cousins and aunts and friends and random people and she did great! She met her cousin Wilson for the first time (see photo above). He's just 2 months younger than she is.

My parents and extended family also came up to meet/see Amelia. We did a dedication for her at the church where we got married and invited lots of family and friends to come. It ended up being more than 50 people that came to see her and us!

We got to see some new and interesting aspects of Amelia's personality that we didn't know and it helped to have our moms there to give some perspective. For one, she LOVES attention from people. Even from our first hour in the airport she would stare people down and smile at them, hoping to get their attention. I have no doubts that when she can talk she'll be saying, "hey! Hey you! Look at me! Look over here!" She smiled at everyone and just loved being the center of it all. She smiled for the camera pretty much every time and really hammed it up. Adorable. And, not surprisingly, my mom said that's how I was when I was a baby. Yep. Not surprised. Needs and loves attention. Shocking!

She also is sitting up pretty good now and is going to crawl any day now. She's regularly eating solid foods and really doing a great job with that. Unfortunately, she is still suffering from her first cold. The whole family got sick the last 2 days of vacation--we think from passing her around and kissing her over and over again--lots of people, lots of kissing. It's like she's a magnet for germs. Strangely, she didn't get sick until she caught it from me. She tried to put my nose in her mouth when it was runny and, yeah, gross, she got it the next day. Also not surprising. But sad because she has a cough and is all stuffed up. Poor baby! She's also having some issues with sleeping because of it too. Thankfully it isn't affecting me too terribly though.

The trip overall was pretty stressful for me. It pushed me to the limits of my anxiety. But, I didn't have trouble sleeping and that means I coped with it well an my coping skills are improving. I even slept on an air mattress in the same room as the baby! Good for me! Thanks also to my amazing husband who helped out when things were really hard for me and still is.

Hopefully once we get through Amelia's first move (this Sunday) we will be able to get back into a routine and I can again taper down my meds even more without issue. The road to recovery is slow, but there is hope! And I'm getting close!

More on Recovery

Today I'm having a bad day and I need to get it out.

Tomorrow we leave for vacation and I should be ecstatic that all I have to do today is finish up the fun work I do at my wonderful new job and then I can spend a whole week with my family and my wonderful baby.

But instead I feel extremely upset. I feel very sad. I feel totally inadequate. I know that I'm hyperfocusing on an event that I shouldn't even be that worried about. I know that when I do that, it's a big fat red flag that I need to stop focusing on it and use by CBT skills to stop it in it's tracks or go for a walk or write it down or do something else so that I can move past it. And I'm doing that, but I still need to share it.

Last night, Amelia was the happiest baby on earth. I mean the HAPPIEST baby ever. She laughed without us doing anything. She just looked at our faces and smiled huge smiles and laughed. It was amazing and wonderful. She went to bed by falling asleep in the car seat last night and then Aaron put her in her crib. She ate a fair amount as usual before this and didn't eat great throughout the day for Aaron, but we figured she was just no longer growth spurting or something.

I went to bed around 9:30 for my early 5:30am wakeup call. I have a lot of stuff at work and a lot on my mind, not least of which is my personal issues, specifically my frustration with still being on my sleep meds. I was a little concerned last night that I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd drunk a lot of caffeine that morning and I didn't know if it would interrupt my sleep. But, I was good. So I went to sleep with a little worry, but kept it under control and fell asleep in about 10 minutes! Hooray! Success!

But, it was fitfull and the next thing I knew Aaron was getting into bed and not just getting into bed, kicking my legs over back to my side of the bed. It woke me up. "what are you doing? Stop that. I'm trying to sleep," I said loudly (I wear earplugs to bed). "you're on my side of the bed," he said. I don't remember what I said but I was trying to get him to leave me alone and let me sleep, as always stressing the fragility of my ability to sleep (or my perceived ability to sleep).

"Stop yelling. You woke Amelia up with your yelling!" he exclaimed to me. I just rolled over and went to sleep. I didn't feel like dealing with it. And I got up a little later to use the bathroom and easily went back to bed.

Today he told me that Amelia had woken up around 10 when he went in to put on her sleep sack and was inconsolable. I guess it took him an hour and a half to get her back to bed. Except he was so tired he just set her in her crib and went to bed and she was still fussing. Later, she was quiet and then my talking disturbed her. So it was all fine and good and worked out. I guess she wouldn't take a bottle.

But this makes me feel terribly inadequate for the following reason: because I am so concerned about my sleep, I couldn't even be there for my baby. If Aaron had woken me up, I would have been so upset and worried that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I was so concerned about my ability to sleep and the possibility that I might have trouble that I actually forced myself not to be anxious about her being awake and rolled over and went to sleep (I knew Aaron would take care of it, but still). Aaron couldn't even wake me up or rely on me to breastfeed her because of my sleep issues.

And lets not forget the fact that I won't do anything in the evenings with my friends past a certain time so that I don't mess up my sleep schedule and my sleep hygiene. Let's not forget that I cut off all social ties if they interfere with sleep. Granted, I make a bigger effort to see my friends during the day, but my sleep is such a focus right now, that I cannot move on.

The good news is that I am only taking 1.5 mg of Klonopin for the last week and haven't needed so much as an extra mg. I am so ready to go down to 1 mg and continue the taper, but I won't meet with the psychiatrist until next week. I have half a mind to do it anyway, but I won't unless he says I can. I have a vacation coming up tomorrow and a few weeks later, we are moving, but I don't want to wait that long, but I fear I might have to. I'm ready NOW to go down to just the 1 so I can go down to half and then, hopefully nothing. But alas, I'm stuck. And I wish beyond everything that I could be better so I could be there for my baby when she is up in the middle of the night and needs me. I feel so terrible I wasn't there for her and can't be there for her. My sleep is before everything... And I know it's okay because I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, including doing good work (which I'm having trouble doing because I'm so damn fixated on this), but I still feel terribly guilty and unable to be there for my family.

A letter to Amelia

Dear Amelia,

Thank you for being such an awesome baby. You put up with a lot. We take you everywhere. We put you in the car seat and take you out and put you back in and take you out. We stretch you 4 or even 5 hours between feedings. And the most you do is cry a little before you become quickly distracted by motion or your toys.

We can't believe you don't care if you are in a poopy diaper. We sometimes forget to take you out of your clothes when you are hot and then you get all sweaty. And you never seem to be to bothered about it. We can't believe you are so mellow and just hang out and don't mind doing whatever we are doing and never ever complain or cry. Thank you for being so sweet, kind, and easy-going. You make our lives so much easier! We would put up with way more angst from you, but yet you give us very little.

Thank you also for sleeping through the night since you were 7 weeks old. Not once have we had to rush in or get up for you. Mommy especially thanks you for that as she is dealing with insomnia, PPD, and work all at the same time and you waking up in the middle of the night would make that tougher on her.

Thank you also for being so trusting, for loving us and loving seeing us. For smiling at us and being so sweet and cute and always believing we'll be there to take care of you, which we will. We know you have a harder time with strangers, but even in that you are getting better. And I thank you so much for that. Thank you for letting us leave you in the care of babysitters and not needing us to come home in the middle of our plans.

Despite any minor struggles we have with you--nap time, occasional bouts of fussiness, we can't deny we got the best angel baby in the world and how wonderful you are. Thank you for being so great and for making things so easy on your mom and dad. We love you very much and love showing off what a wonderful little person you are!

Love,

Mom

What It's Like to Be a Mom

Someone asked me this week what it was like to have a baby--to be a mom. I thought it was an interesting question and I think there's really only one way to describe it. I told her I'd never been much of a baby person or a kid person, for that matter. But, it was like as soon as she was born I thought she was amazing.

It's like being completely and totally in love with this little person. You want to spend all your time with them. Everything you do with them is new and exciting and fun. Just watching them and being near them thrills you. And sacrificing things for them such as time, money, energy, is totally worth it because you'd do anything to be around them, keep them happy, etc.

So that's what it's like being a mom. :-) I love my little bug!

Perhaps I spoke too quickly

Well, you guys, victory as it may have been, I've been struggling the last 2 nights. Really badly. I guess I was too eager. I think it's time to talk to the Dr. again. 2 nights ago I went to bed with only 1 mg Klonipin as I had the night before, but unfortunately had a lot of restlessness and trouble sleeping. So I took another half mg and then that still didn't work. I got up, felt the panic setting in, and finally just took the last half.

Last night I took 1.5 mg. Since I've been on and off that dosage for the last week I thought it would work. It did not. I ended up taking another .5 in the middle of the night.

Soooo... I'm back to 2 mg a night for the last 2 nights.

I'll keep trying the 1.5, but I was really hoping to be able to cut down to 1 mg by this week. My efforts not only feel stalled, but, for the first time in about 3 months I felt the fear again. The scary feeling of not being able to sleep. The deep, scary anxiety that started this whole big mess. It's the feeling that drove me to the PPD group in the first place. I think that means I need to cool it with the tapering, but I need to talk to the Dr. first. And in the meantime I'll keep trying. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe just the fear I felt when I had trouble sleeping in the middle of the night, but either way, I have to be careful. I just cannot go back to that place again.

The most frustrating thing is that probably I am sleeping--I'm just drifting in and out of sleep, but I keep jolting awake thinking I'm not sleeping. Tapering down is tough because I keep running into this issue. I never know if I'm actually sleeping or not and, if I just let myself sleep or try to lay in bed I'd probably keep drifting in and out. I really don't know. If I could just relax about it as well, it might not be so bad. So, I have to get back to the place where I can be relaxed.

Hopefully that will happen for me this week. Keep me in your prayers.

I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's a wonderful thing!

So, I've been posting about my recovery lately and this is another update on that. Today I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning and it's okay for the following reasons (even though it's a Saturday and I should be sleeping it. :-))
1) This is the normal time I wake up in the morning, so I know that my biological clock is just used to me being awake at this time and woke me up on my own because of that.
2) I went to bed early last night because I was tired, so waking up at 5:30 actually gives me my normal 7.5-8 hours
3) This is nothing less than a victory for me because last night I took only 1 mg of Klonipin which is the least I've taken in months and months. Even if I don't take that little amount every night, last night I did and I slept fine and awoke when my body was ready! What a blessing that is. If I stirred in the night, and I know I did, I went back to sleep. And I fell asleep quickly too. Even though I'm still tapering off the drugs.

Hooray! I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but I really am doing so much better. I'm really anxious to be off the drugs altogether, but I have to go slowly, both for my and Amelia's health and also because there's a good chance I'm addicted to them right now.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He's freeing me!

Cloth Diaper Review: All the Cloth Diapers I've Tried vs. Disposable

So... yeah, I thought I'd try to help out some new moms out there who are deciding whether they should use cloth or disposable diapers and, if cloth, what the heck to use... I feel like I've tried nearly everything by now and have some insight. My baby is currently 5.5 months old.

Summary of my favorites:
Best overall diaper: Bumgenius 4.0 pocket/insert diapers (also acts as a diaper cover) - one size and can be reused with multiple inserts! Second choice: Bumgenius organic cotton all-in-one one size. Never had a blowout in either of these either. Minimal leaks
Best cover: Bummis Super Whisper Wrap. Amazing! Blow-out free since week 3 (actually not really week 3, but seriously never had a blowout with this one when properly fastened). Minimal leaking.

Best option disposable vs. cloth? CLOTH! I just don't feel right adding to the landfill issue, PLUS, they are way better. Seriously. They work way better than disposables!

Blowouts
I have had blowouts happen in all kinds of diapers. The following is the list of diapers I have had blowouts in from worst to best (i.e. #1 means I've never experienced worse blowouts than with this kind of diaper).
0. No diaper, but that doesn't really count :-)
1. Disposables - yep. Worst blowouts I've ever experienced were with disposables. I've tried Pampers and Target brand (most mom's I know don't like the Target Brand, just FYI. I think they are the same as the others. My husband and friend thinks they are POS's).
2. Prefold diapers - These have bad blowouts mainly because they are hard to get on a baby in a way that keeps everything contained. No matter how well you fold it, some is still going to come out. What determines the severity of the blowout or lack thereof depends on the diaper cover. See the subsection below on covers.
3. Mother-ease fitted diapers - pretty much limited problems with blowouts with these diapers. Again, diaper covers make a difference here.
4. Bumgenius diapers - both the 4.0 and the organic cotton one size all in one - NEVER experienced a blowout ever with these diapers.

Diaper Covers
I'm beginning to be of the opinion that even people who use disposables should consider diaper covers, the blowouts are so bad.
Again the following is a list from worst to best in diaper cover blowout situations:
1. Hand-knit ones - yeah I knit a few of these. They do nothing for either moisture or blowouts. I don't recommend knitting them unless you double them up and contour them to a baby's body. Even then...
2. Random wool Japanese kind - don't know the name of 'em, but they don't cover the diapers at all. Not good.
3. Pro-services Pro-wrap classic - these were good, but had to be on properly, everything tucked in and didn't really do super-great at preventing forceful blowouts.
4. Biobottoms wool diaper cover - theses are very good at preventing blowouts and leaks when properly applied, plus they have the added benefit of not stinking and drying pretty fast. Just be careful how you wash them. The biggest downside? They get moist as the diaper gets moist, so the seep some wetness onto babies clothes if he/she is a super-soaker like mine is.
5. Bummis Super Whisper Wrap - These are BY FAR THE BEST DIAPER COVER EVER. When properly put on (note that I said when PROPERLY put on), you should have NO blowouts at all. I have not found another diaper cover that works as well. They are perfect. If you can only buy one, buy this one. My baby has been fitting into the small size since she was about 3 weeks old and is still wearing them at 5.5 months and ~15 lbs.

Cloth Diapers
In general, just about anything is fine, if you are using a great diaper cover. If you don't have much money, get the prefolds (be sure you get at least 4 x 8 - that means that the thickest part is 8 peices of fabric thick for extra moisture--this is NOT a kind you can buy from Babies R Us, by the way. You can buy these online or probably a specialty store. Any thinner and your baby will definitely soak through, unless you change him/her every couple hours or less--or you could use 2 at a time, but that's just annoying and bulky) and a couple diaper covers and snappi clips.

Here's what I've used that are slightly more costly and what I thought:
1. Mother ease one size cloth diapers - we started using these when Amelia was 3 months old. I thought we could use just the diaper and that was it. I learned the hard way that you need a cover! Also, you need the insert or something else to go in there to absorb moisture (a folded up prefold works fine). My baby has never been able to wear them without one. I like that they will fit my baby as she grows, but I don't like that I have to use both an insert and a cover. It's a lot of extra work. But, they aren't bad.
2. Bum genius organic cotton one-size all-in-one diaper - LOVE this diaper. Our friends gave these to us as a gift and they are as easy to use as a disposable. My only complaint is that because they are all one piece, they require 2 dry cycles. Kind of a bummer, but doesn't apply to the snap kind. I guess they don't sell the kind we have anymore. I LOVE that they are one size which means they will fit my baby from newborn up to toddler, so I only buy one diaper one time. So much better than trying to buy several different sizes. Also never had a blowout.
3. Bum genius 4.0 insert diapers - These are my #1 favorite. They come with snaps and velcro. Velcro is easier, but you have to be so careful with them in the laundry. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I thought I would hate the stuffing thing, but there are some things I didn't know Here is why I love this diaper:
a) The inside of the diaper stays dry! Just like a disposable when my baby soaks her diaper, the inside part doesn't stay all wet. I don't know how they do that, but this makes it so I can take the insert out, dry off the cover, which is barely wet, and stuff another insert in there.
b) They are one size - they will fit newborn to toddler - again only have to buy one.
c) The microfiber inserts are really lightweight. Our super-soaker requires both the newborn and regular inserts at the same time, which both come with the diapers. They also dry quickly.
d) The outer part can be used as a diaper cover to cover my Mother-ease and prefold diapers as my baby grows. I never need to buy another diaper cover! Fantastic!
Downsides:
a) Can't use diaper rash cream, but not really an issue if she isn't getting it because the fabric inside is moisture-wicking.
b) The outside has to be washed differently from the inside - cold water and then line dry. When she poops, that's a problem. I pretty much have to hand wash them, which kinda sucks. If I had my own laundry machine it would be a lot easier.

That's it. Hope you like my review. I thought you guys could benefit from learning more about diapers. I know I was super confused when I started my research. Good luck!

Getting so much better!

So, I just wanted to give you all a quick update. Gotta get back to work.

But, I'm doing so much better! So right before I went back to work, I was having to take my usual 2 mg Klonopin dosage before bed (which no longer seemed like it was working. I'd be up and down throughout the night, was having some trouble falling asleep again, etc) AND 1 mg of Ativan.

I was just finishing the MOMS group at El Camino hospital for PPD and they were reluctant to put me on either more Klonopin or anything else because I was being discharged from the group and wouldn't be seen by another psychiatrist for another 3 weeks or more. So, since I was already prescribed up to 1.5 mg Ativan throughout the day, they had me taking first .5 mg Ativan, plus the 2 mg of Klonopin, which still wasn't enough so I had to go up even more. I stayed on the 1mg Ativan/2mg Klonopin combo for about a week and then after I started work on the weekend went down to just .5 Ativan plus the 2mg Klonopin and had NO PROBLEM! yay!

So the next work week I noticed I was so tired I would fall asleep practically instantly, so the next weekend, tried going without the Ativan altogether (always having it by my bed just in case I needed it in the middle of the night) and it worked! So this whole past week I was able to go to bed with just the 2 mg of Klonopin! AMAZING!

So then I thought, well, I'm sleeping so well on the Klonopin and I'm pretty sure I've built up a tolerance by now, so I wonder what would happen if I went down to 1.5 mg of Klonopin. I finally had an appointment with my psychiatrist and he said to reduce the medication slowly as I see fit and yesterday I tried it for the first time and slept GREAT! Hooray!

This means that I'm GETTING BETTER! I'm actually able to start tapering down my meds! I'm going to try the 1.5 for a week or so and see if I have any issues. If not, I'll continue reducing by .5 mg until I can hopefully have nothing in the end. This is just so exciting for me. I haven't taken a dosage lower than 2 mg since early June. I can't believe I can finally sleep normally and get up and go to work like a normal person AND reduce my medication. It feels like such a huge victory!

Praise the Lord--I'm getting better!

Everything is coming up roses... well, now it is

So, I started my new job 2.5 weeks ago. Just like that. It felt abrupt at the time to go from disability to ork, but I was so ready to get on with it. I could have taken 3 more months of unpaid family leave or even more disability leave if I'd wanted to, but frankly it felt like it was time. And the new job came at a good time and I couldn't wait that long to start it. And, we need the money.

I could have gone back to my old job--closer to home, but a negative environment. Instead I traded in an easy, closer-to-home crappy job for an awesome further away job. I still think I made the right choice even though it means more time away from my baby. It also means I can bike to and from the train station so I can get some exercise every day, which is great. It would be tough to fit that in in any other scenario.

Aaron's been watching Amelia. At first she refused the bottle. But by the first full week (I started on a Wednesday), she started eating from the bottle like a champ. That's made it a bit easier. And we've started a routine now. I get up at 5:30 in the morning, get ready (my outfits are picked out the weekend and night before), feed Amelia, pump, run out the door, bike to the train, take my bike on the train, then bike to work. I'm there by 8am. Then I leave work around 4:50 and I'm home by 6:15. Yes, it's a long day, but it's starting to work out. I go to bed around 9:30 or 10 so it's not too bad. And all that is making me very tired by the end of the day!

Pumping is turning out to be working pretty well. I'm getting about 15-20 oz out each day with the AM pumping before I leave and the 2-3 times I pump at work. The commute and routine was tough at first, but now I think we've finally got it figured out as we are rounding out my second full week here.

We know we need to move further north and that's the next plan. What I'm doing is working out fine for now, but soon we need to move so I don't have to commute 1.5 hours each way. We'd like to buy, so it's an even bigger deal. We plan to take our time, but staying where we are is definitely not an option long-term.

I felt a little guilty leaving Amelia at first and it was tough at first, too, because she wanted to stay on my boob and eat for hours when I came home because she didn't eat from the bottle really for the whole day. But now, it's getting easier. I miss her, but coming home earlier I get to see her and feed her (for a regular feeding) and hang out with her a little. It's wonderful to get that chance to spend time with her and totally worth waking up at 5 AM to do. Last week I had an entire day where I missed being able to see her (I didn't get home until after she went to bed) and the next day I cried at work because I missed her a lot. But since then, I've been coming home earlier and spending as much time with her as I can on the weekend. And it's starting to feel normal and routine and I love that.

The biking is working out great too. Only problem: My saddlebags already broke and it's a huge pain to carry around my pump. So I'm buying another one. This time a used one from someone on Craigslist. That way I can leave one at work and one at home and use it in the AM and then run out the door and get rid of the saddlebags. It will make the train commuting a lot easier.

Anyway, that's pretty much the extent of it. I think I might be gaining some of that baby weight back since I am sedentary all day, but hopefully not!

Looking Behind No More

It's so interesting to me that I have a new job. I can't believe it. I'm not talking about the job of being a mother. I'm talking about a new job for pay that I'm currently working at right now.

It's amazing. I think about all the things I left behind at my last job: the hard-to-work-with boss who made my life and coworkers nervous and unhappy. I'm so thankful I never again have to face her boss and pretend to be interested in her narcissistic comments about her taste in wine, her boat, how much money she spends on this and that, the parties she and and her husband throw and never invite us to. I never again have to suck up to her or pretend to care about what she says the company is doing. I never have to be filled with terror at the prospect of entering my old boss' office for a meeting. Thank God. THANK GOD!

I've moved on. It's hard to remember sometimes. Sometimes I feel like this is just a fake job--a maternity leave job that I'll leave and have to go back to the old job when my baby gets bigger. But I don't. What a beautiful thing to leave it all behind. To start a new chapter. A new baby. A new job. A new life. It feels so freeing. Yes, it's work. Yes, it's back to the daily grind of endless days of toil in hopes to save money to one day retire. Yes, it's very hard to commute for 1.5 hours each way and know I'm missing 12 hours a day of my baby's rapidly changing life.

But in a positive environment and in a new adventure. And I'm so thankful I get to do it. I'm so thankful that God opened this door for me at just the right time and closed a door for Aaron at the perfect time so he could stay at home with our daughter. What a privilege! And I know the right opportunity will present itself for him when the time comes. And I know I'm doing the right thing for my family by working so we can have a roof over our heads and food to eat. It's another way of nurturing my child.

I can't believe I don't have to go back. I'm so glad. So glad. So so so glad.

You know you're a mom when...

...You get really excited about purchasing and getting new cloth diapers in the mail and you can't wait to do the laundry so you can use them!

Adorable Amelia!

She did the cutest thing ever last night. After I fed her, she blew raspberries at me, so I blew some back and she giggled. That made me laugh which started an escalation of laughter from her and me at the same time. Every time I laughed, she laughed and it was the most amazing thing ever! I loved every second of it and it's been causing me to smile all day long.

What an adorable girl I have! I'm so in love!

Update on me

Well, my baby is getting so big these days. She's already 4.5 months old! I return to work very soon on July 28th to a new job! Yay me! As you can tell lots has been happening. I'm discharging from the PPD group today and start work a week from today, so a lot of time and preparation has gone into both. I quit my old job on Monday next week.

So going from old to new and opening a new chapter in my life. At least that's what it feels like. Still need to work out the meds and life still has it's ups and downs, but at least I'm sleeping with the help of some very strong benzos (hoping to replace them eventually with some kind of SSRI). So that's all good, but confusing. At any rate, thought I'd update you. Much has happened and I really haven't had any extra time to write on here. I might have some time now that I'm about to start work, although, I think it's going to be pretty demanding, so you might not get too frequent of updates. Amelia's doing great though!

Nothing more wonderful than a baby...

So I know I've had my struggles, but I wanted to try to put into words the amazing positive feelings I have about having a baby.

There really is nothing more wonderful than having your baby's tiny hand wrap itself around your finger. You feel loved, warm, secure, and so excited all at the same time.

The closest thing I could describe it as would be when you are 15 years old and you get so excited that the boy you like likes you back and takes you to the movies and you hold hands in the theater. The baby feeling is not romantic or fireworkey, but it feels exciting, calming, peaceful, secure, and loved all at the same time, kind of like how it felt to innocently hold the hand of the guy you like.

The warm, sweet feeling of a baby looking at you and clearly having eyes only for you--there's nothing like it. And that feeling of being loved and accepted by the cutest boy in school is almost the same feeling, but in a different way. I don't know if that makes me sound weird, but it's the closest way I can describe it.

It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to hold your baby, know that you made her with your body and that she loves you more than anything or anyone. You are all she knows. She loves being close to you and around you and you soak it up. At least, I do. When I'm not wishing she'd just take a nap already... But seriously, it's so amazing and I never knew how wonderful. I feel like all I ever heard was the negative, but it really is truly wonderful to have and hold a baby. It makes me sad that so many people are afraid of that opportunity. And makes me even sadder that people who have the opportunity end it because they don't think they can handle it. It truly is the most wonderful thing. I wish everyone could experience it.

Apparently I have Post Partum Depression...

So a few years ago I went to see Brooke Shields give a talk about Post Partum Depression (PPD). She described all these terrible feelings of ambivilence towards her child and what sounded like real, deep down serious depression.

I haven't experienced that at all. Just, as you know, this horrible insomnia and, now, anxiety. I realized over the course of my vacation that I have been experience anxiety over new motherhood. I *think* what I'm experiencing is fairly normal, but the anxiety over sleep has fed it to new heights. It's possible the one fed the other and right now I am really struggling. Turns out that PPD can manifest itself this same way and I didn't even know it.

Fortunately, I found a resource in my community called MOMS (Maternal Outreach Mood Services or something like that) which has an intensive outpatient program where you go multiple times a week for 3 hours a day. You see a psychiatrist and meet with a group therapy sessions etc. I'm signed up to go, but waiting on my insurance. If the insurance won't cover it, it will cost me $150/day, but if it will only $15/day. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel like I really need this program, but we have $0 coming in right now. That it will really help me. Heck, I've been calling the Dr. every day asking for help and she no longer returns my calls. I guess she figured since I now have a referral, it's in their hands.

Please pray for me to have this covered by insurance if you get a chance. I am really struggling and I am positive that treatment in this program will help me. Just thinking about it, I feel better! I know I will need lots of other kinds of treatment anyway, so if I can get this taken care of, I can hopefully move on to having a happier life and dealing with the stressors of new mom-hood and going back to work, which I can barely face at this time. It's good to know what I have, but now I need to treat it!

Self-doubt!

So, the sleeping is starting to get better. I am sleeping every night now, either with the help of drugs or (in the case of one night), on my own! I'm working on relaxation techniques and other things to try to help me sleep each night naturally without drugs. After a period of time if I don't feel like I'm sleeping, I take something. Lately, I've been taking Benadryl and occasionally taking the Xanax, but I think that the Xanax actually ends up making me feel MORE anxious after I take it, so I've decided to avoid taking it if at all possible from now on.

Amelia is doing pretty well on our trip, but it's occurring to me that I feel some anxiety about being a parent. I wasn't aware how much I would worry about how she is doing. She is the happiest baby ever, so I constantly wonder, is she eating enough? Is she hungry? Tired? Am I stressing her out? I wonder because she isn't crying, which I guess means everything is just fine. But, this vacation is making me constantly wonder if I'm doing things "right." I worry about my baby and am constantly filled with self-doubt! Then, it hit me the other day: Parenting isn't an exact science, you just have to do the best you can. Huh. I guess that means I have to get over myself. But at the same time, being totally responsible for a tiny, helpless human being puts a great weight of responsibility on your shoulders and I feel a lot like I'm unprepared to care for someone so much. I feel like this is maybe a big reason I have trouble sleeping. Even though I don't think I'm that anxious, I often do struggle with concerns related to new motherhood and as a result the stress and tension I feel in my body makes it hard for me to relax. It's good to have knowledge of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling and hopefully I'll be able to go home to a good new mother group that will help me deal with these new mother anxieties.

Found drugs, but what about Milk?

So, I've been working with the doctor to find all kinds of fun drugs that will help me out--Xanax, Ambien, Benadryl. They sorta work, but they are working for 5 maybe 6 hours at a time. And I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to work a bit to get back to sleep. Then I get up, feed Amelia and can't go back to sleep. I guess I am grateful for that much sleep and I feel like I'm starting to get used to it, so I suppose that's okay. I do eventually get better at dealing with sleep deprivation, I remember. Although, it's been years since I've lived that way and each time it was only temporary.

I'm a bit terrified by the horror stories of people I know. One person I know says she is 15 months post-partum and still dealing with insomnia. Is this the way it is? How am I supposed to enjoy the early years of my baby and deal with this?! An argument for adoption or surrogacy if I ever heard one. A friend of mine reminded me that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. My body is torturing me! How is this fair? I'm beginning to live in fear of never being able to sleep without help again. I've been too scared to try for a week now...

In the meantime, I *think* my milk supply is okay, but I'm starting to wonder because Amelia is nursing sloooooowly. She's awake way more during the day these days and naps maybe 3-4 times a day, but when she nurses, she practically passes out. And, my boob feels really flat. I asked the dr. how you know when you are out of milk and she said when it feels flat, but it feels flat all the time. I can't tell a difference.

My doula told me that at 2 months, your body starts to produce milk on demand rather than by hormones, so possibly this is what;s happening. When I pumped the last couple days, I didn't get as much out as usual and I'm starting to get a bit concerned that maybe all these sleeping drugs, or possibly my sleep deprivation or both, are interfering with my supply. We are about to leave on a 3 week road trip around the Pacific Northwest and I am bringing my pump, but how will I really know if I need to pump to get my supply up? I don't really have any way of weighing Amelia... maybe I can find a place...

Anyway, the sleep is getting better, and hopefully will continue to improve. Pray for me if you would and I'll let you know if and when it changes. I feel so betrayed by my body!

The Mother Experience

While I did finally get some sleep each night since my last post, some days it hasn't been much and my post-partum insomnia continues to haunt me. I've started taking Benadryl nightly as well as sleeping in a separate bedroom. That is, until I decided it was time to put Amelia in her own room. So we moved everything around and then I had trouble sleeping again last night. For some reason the idea of sleeping in my own bed bothers me. Maybe it's because I continue to anticipate that my husband will somehow wake me up, either by getting into bed later or shifting in his sleep, or who knows? I left my bedroom and slept on the futon last night, which had previously been in the guest bedroom where I had been sleeping, but which is now Amelia's room. And I finally got to sleep hours later. This, after I'd taken 2 Benadryl. In the end I got about 5 hours sleep in total after getting up to feed her and going back to bed, and getting up to feed her, and going back to bed.

It's clear that all this sleep deprivation is still affecting me negatively. Today I started to feel symptoms of depression on top of the anxiety I've already been clearly feeling--about the baby, about my sleeping--about everything, it seems. Despite my efforts, I'm still struggling, so I talked to the Dr. today and she prescribed me Xanax. I've read it's not good to take while breastfeeding. According to her, though, this is totally fine to take for a short period of time while breastfeeding. I will take it, see how it goes, and if I end up taking it frequently, we will explore my taking a longer-term medication.

Part of this, I felt, might be related to the fact that I haven't been able to have a true "mother experience" in my definition of the word. My husband is unemployed and home all the time, which is fantastic for me. I can just jet out on an errand and he'll be home to watch her. I can work out during the day on my own and get regular breaks. But in a way this makes me feel a bit guilty, too. All my new-mother friends are struggling on their own while their husbands are away at work and I have barely spent more than a few hours at a time caring for my baby alone. I feel a bit left out, even though I know I am actually very blessed. So, today I had Aaron leave the house so I could take some time caring for my baby on my own. And I did. And she got her shots today for her 2 month appointment. That feels like maybe it was a mistake because she was super fussy.

Anyway, hopefully the Xanax will help me and I will be able to relax and sleep fine from now on.

Wicked Insomnia

I feel like I'm dying. Yes, I know that's dramatic. But when you haven't been able to sleep at all in days, that's how it feels.

Last night I got 0 hours of sleep. Yes, that's right, zero. It was a very, very dark night. I got up, went back to bed, got up went back to bed. Yet my brain would not let me sleep. This made all the more frustrating by the fact that my baby slept a straight 6.5 hours. The night before that I was trying to make up for the sleep I missed the day before that when I only got 3.5 hours and I thought that was bad. I would have slept even longer yesterday except that I wanted to say goodbye to the in-laws who were leaving and when I went back to bed, Amelia wanted to be awake and fussed a lot.

But, I just talked to the doctor and she informed me I can take Benadryl, which I will do promptly upon feeding my baby tonight. Ahh blissful sleep. I hope I can have some soon!

Amelia Smiles!

So we finally got Amelia to smile at us! And we got it a little later on video. This is a bit long (2 minutes) and she smiles at the very end. Also, I was talking the entire time and my voice is LOUD on this video, so you should definitely turn your volume down or off.

Buy the My Brest Friend and an update on me

So, I just have to recommend one more baby product (actually a post-partum product). If you are breastfeeding, you MUST get the My Brest Friend pillow. Please, PLEASE don't waste your time with Boppy's or other pillows. The My Brest Friend, is now my best friend. Now, my posture is better, I'm not man-handling my baby while feeding her and we are both so much happier. Now I only need one pillow instead of the 3 or 4 or I was using to compensate for the stupid Boppy. Argh.

Also, I was reading through my post last week about how I'm feeling and I thought I would update you on my aches and pains. What a difference a week makes!

I'm doing way better in so many ways. For one, I'm not getting night sweats any more (hallelujah!). For another, my Aunt Flow is on her way out! Hooray. And, Aaron feeding Amelia in the middle of the night has provided me so much uninterrupted sleep (7+ hours a night!) that I've been able to do some kind of "workout" during the day every day this week--walking several miles (not quite up to the 3.5 yet), some simple weight workouts, the Wii Fit, etc. Plus, I've been able to get up and do things during the day quite a bit! Amazing! Actually, Amelia slept 7 straight hours last night, which we aren't supposed to let her do, but she always woke up before to eat, so we were surprised she didn't last night.

I haven't had a migraine in about a week and I've only taken medication to prevent one twice. I was finally able to go shopping to buy clothes to fit my new body and now I actually look nice in regular clothes (because I now have some that fit) and I have a whole new body image. When I was pregnant I learned a valuable lesson: if I just eat when I'm hungry and try to be healthy, my body will stabilize itself. This is what I did during pregnancy and I gained exactly the right amount of weight--not more. So, I'm using this valuable lesson now to guide me to the weight I should be at now.

*Holding up my right hand* I pledge to love my body at the size it's at and because it gave me my beautiful daughter. Size means nothing, and properly fitting clothes will help me feel good about myself no matter the size. I pledge to eat what I want and to make healthy, nourishing choices. I will not hate my body or my size or myself and I will not diet. I will trust that my body will tell me what I need and I will act accordingly and not second-guess it. Amen.

Reflection on One Month with a Baby...

So, Amelia is 1 month old today! My my, how time flies. Except, in this case, it doesn't feel like it's been longer or shorter--it feels exactly right.

In thinking about all I've been through in this month, I thought I'd share some of my reflections on it with you. As you can imagine being a new parent is a bit of an adjustment, but not in the ways I expected.

Having a baby is pretty much what I thought it would be. You feed her, change her, put her to bed, try to figure out why she is crying, etc. I've never NOT heard a new parent say, "It is so hard. You have no idea how hard" and I'm trying hard not to say it. Really, it is pretty straightforward and fairly simple. The hard part comes from all the other things: trying to keep the house clean or assume some semblance of your regular life. Again, that isn't totally because of the baby. It is related--getting used to the new schedule, the weird sleeping hours--all of those make a difference. But the biggest thing that makes it tough? The recovery process. All those hormones still raging, the challenge of breastfeeding and the drain of your milk coming in and out, and recovering from labor--difficulty walking, fatigue, etc.

The first week was easier than subsequent weeks, but that is because it's all so new and exciting--we had lots of visitors, I was so thrilled about my new baby, my milk hadn't come in yet, and I had a lot of people I could draw on for help if I needed it. Not to mention how amazing my husband has been through all of this. But the sleep deprivation hadn't started yet or fully hit. 2 or 3 days of sleep deprivation is a lot less draining than 2 or 3 weeks or 2 or 3 months. The hardest part about the first week was how scary everything felt. I didn't want to leave the hospital where people came by to check on me and see how I felt and could be at my beck and call to help with the baby any time I needed it. When we got home I sort of thought, What next? Sure I knew sort of what to do, but I wasn't totally sure how it would go or if I could handle it and I was basically in survival mode until my mom came, when I finally felt like I could relax.

And thank God she was here, because the next few weeks were a bit harder than I thought. Sure at 5 days and 1.5 weeks I took Amelia out for walks and errands and at 2 weeks went on a long walk and so on but for a lot of that time everything about how to take care of her was trial and error. I could hardly move off the couch most of the days and I didn't want to go anywhere. I had a few mental breakdowns. And, for most people who know me, you KNOW I am not the kind of person who wants to sit around the house and do nothing. But for the 2nd and 3rd week, I was basically exhausted. Kind of like being home sick from work. If it hadn't been for my mom, nothing in my house would have been clean (including clothes) and I would not have gotten proper nutrition. Decent, but not great. She made amazing meals for us. As did many of our friends who helped us all out during those weeks.

During the last week my mom was here I was able to start doing things again. I did laundry one day, was able to run an errand or two alone and with Amelia without too much trouble, and I learned that migraines were what was making me feel so bad the last few weeks. Amelia started sleeping better and so did I. And we finally have a rhythm down.

Now, we are on it. We have a routine and a rhythm and my husband is AMAZING. I could never have done it the first week without him, nor the subsequent weeks. And now, he is my partner. Without him I wouldn't be able to manage sewing some days, running errands, taking walks, and getting in some me time. Plus he is fantastic with the housework and feeds Amelia for me in the middle of the night. How lucky am I?

Thank God for how great it has been this month and for all the friends and family that have been so generous in helping me!

My favorite baby and post-partum products

Hey, all, so I thought I'd share with you my favorite baby and post-partum products so far. I'm so glad we have these things and I highly recommend them!

1. Giant, square receiving blanket - we like the Ultimate Swaddle Blanket. Most receiving blankets we have are nice, but not big enough for a proper swaddle. Be sure you have swaddling down to use this blanket properly. We like the swaddle by Dr. Karp, in the Happiest Baby on the Block (video and book)
2. Baby swaddler. Even if you can swaddle like a pro (and especially if you can't), this makes it SOOOOO much easier and faster. Amelia broke out of our other swaddles fast, but this thing is like a baby straight jacket. We bought 3.
3. Boppy Noggin Nest Head Support. You put your baby on her back to sleep, but then you have to remember to position her head (if she'll even cooperate). This eliminates that need to do that and position her head because it prevents a flat head. Her head lies cushily in the hole and she's all good!
4. Ergo Baby Carrier. Okay, we don't have this one yet, but I have completely lost faith in baby slings after seeing this news report and trying to put my newborn in one. It practically cut off her ability to breath, was difficult to get her in it and seemed very unsafe in general. So, we got out the baby bjorn. This was cool, however, in doing research comparing the Baby Bjorn with the Ergo, the Ergo is far better for lots of reasons: it's more ergonomic, has pouches to carry things in, can work until your child is well past the age you should be carrying them (and replaces those giant frame backpack carrier things), and you can use it to nurse in. Plus the Baby Bjorn isn't as ergonomic for you or baby and I read that it can harm baby spinal development. For all these reasons I think Ergo is the best choice. Just ordered one. Can't wait to see how it performs.
5. Soothie Pacifiers. Apparently babies LOVE (and I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE) to suck. Amelia was no exception and we used our finger until it became impractical. We switched to a pacifier after 2 weeks (and breastfeeding was well-established) and she could barely figure out how to use it. The reason we like this over the other kinds, is the lactation consultant told us that normal pacifiers (and NUK baby bottle nipples) teach babies how to bite down on things, so we tried this. Amelia loves it and there has been no biting thus far. The nipple is just like a bottle nipple, so it's not different than what she's used to.
6. Baby hats - get someone to knit some for you, because the knit ones are the BEST and cutest! I can post some patterns if anyone is interested.
7. Our Bumbleride stroller - amazing and works for newborns!
8. Changing pad and portable changing pads - we use these CONSTANTLY
9. Diaper covers and wool soakers - great if you can knit them yourself or even if you use the store bought kind. Couldn't do cloth diapers without them.
10. Any baby outfit that snaps down the legs and front AND includes feet and hand covers. Sure, onesies are great, but our baby often seems cold in them unless it's dead hot, which is hardly ever and I'm constantly trying to find something to cover her legs. These outfits are amazing. She hardly keeps the mittens and socks on, also, so anything that covers her hands and feet are great.

Other things I'm glad I have/made:
1. Waterproof mattress cover. Um, yeah, my mattress doesn't have plastic on it (I'm using an arm's reach co-sleeper) and we would be so screwed without this. It was so easy to make. SO easy. Made it of PUL.
2. Reusable wipes - we wet them with water before wiping her butt--a much better alternative for the environment and better for sensitive skin on baby butts. I will say that it's kind of a pain to keep them where you can wash them easily and to wash them and we seem to run out fast, so I'd make at least 50 if you were going to do it. I made wipe-sized squares out of an old receiving blanket and zig-zagged the edges with my machine.
3. Medela Advanced pump in style breast pump - GREAT pump. So far, it's been a huge help. I'll be pumping when I go back to work, so I'll have to let you know how that goes. Before this I used a manual pump, the Medela Harmony and it was also REALLY great--I highly recommend that one too.
4. Baby monitor - invaluable because we always have her nap in her crib. We tried having her nap in the living room, but that was hard on both of us - it overstimulated her and kept us constantly looking over to make sure she was okay. In the bedroom we know she's safe and contained and she gets used to sleeping in her own crib.

Post partum products:
1. Reusable nursing pads. You can buy these anywhere or make them yourself out of flannel or old receiving blankets (I made about 6 pairs out of both). They are AMAZING. They feel MUCH nicer than the disposable kinds and are easy to wear and reuse. Trust me, you will need these, at the very least for night time. It can be a very leaky time of day...
2. Nursing tanks. Seriously a life saver for the first few weeks and maybe beyond. I bought some nice nursing bras, but right now, while I fit into almost nothing, I wear the tanks daily with my comfy sweatpants or yoga pants or whatever. They might work when I go back to work, but I don't know. Right now they are great for feeding her every 3 hours during the day and night and surprisingly offer good support. Target sells them for a VERY reasonable price here. I prefer the side sling over the full sling or the lift up kind here. The full sling just looks and feels weird. If you want to spend more $$, you can get ones by Bravado and they are around $45, which I feel is too much. Sure they are nice, but Target's are basically the same thing for 1/3 the price.

How am I feeling?

So, I've got a lot of people asking me how I'm feeling and, in general, I feel pretty darn good. However, I think for once I'll share the nitty gritty details on how I'm REALLY feeling in the not-so-good moments. Keep in mind that overall I'm great, but these are the downsides...

So, the realities of my life these days has been that I'm in bed for 12 hours a day. I go to bed early, usually exhausted beyond belief and wake up a few hours later to feed Amelia. Then, the rest of the night is an up and down struggle between trying to sleep and feeding and changing her. Aaron typically will give her a bottle for one of the night feedings and I can get some sleep and I *think* we have finally worked out an arrangement where I get a straight 6-7 hours sleep and then a few extra hours later, so hopefully that continues and reduces my exhaustion.

When my milk first came in the first week is when I started having migraines. I was shocked to find out that breastfeeding literally, at first, sucked the life out of me. Or, so I thought. After a week or so of suffering horrible on and off headaches that I attributed to everything from extreme thirst and hunger to fatigue to bad breastfeeding posture, I saw a doctor who told me they were migraines and now I can appropriately treat them before they get really bad. That is such a relief. Sometimes when I overdo it, I still get them, but a lot less frequently than I did.

Other not-so-nice things that have been happening are INSANE night sweats. If you couldn't tell by the emphasis on the word insane in the last sentance, they are by far the worst I have ever had. I wake up literally drenched--like I took a bath in my bed. I wake up with my clothes and sheets soaked and cold. I tried changing once in the middle of the night, but the sheets were still soaked, soaking my dry clothes. So, now I say screw it and just pull the warm comforter over my head to keep warm.

I also hate that I can't really work out yet. I tried walking 3 miles the other day and one of those awful migraines came back, so I can assume I'm not ready to do that yet. I feel so fat. I've barely lost anything and I am eating super healthy and breastfeeding! I thought that would do it!

I can't fit into anything but sweatpants and I still look at least 4 months pregnant plus all the weight I gained everywhere else. Other things that aren't so fun include painful and leaky boobs and the fact that I'm still not done with my after-birth Aunt Flow as it were... getting closer, but still not there.

Still, I can't complain. My baby sleeps great and hardly ever cries. I have enough energy in the mornings to get stuff done and every day I'm making progress--but much slower than I ever expected! Who knew that after baby would be harder than 9 months pregnant. I just figured I'd go back to how I was, but with weight to lose. Turns out that's not quite right. I hope I get back to normal soon. It's relieving to see the progress I've made in the last 4 weeks, so that's keeping me encouraged.

No longer in the pregnancy club :-(

It's so weird for me to not be pregnant anymore. Nine whole months of inspecting the bellies of pregnant women and noticing every pregnant woman in sight. Then, one day I was pregnant and the next day I wasn't any more and now I'm no longer in the club. It's not like when I was pregnant I spent a lot of time talking to other pregnant women, it's just that people noticed more and gave me seats or were more considerate of me and other pregnant women took notice and we had a common bond. I wasn't just some regular non-pregnant woman. I knew what they were going through. I could give them a sympathetic nod that said, "I feel your pain" and my belly would say all the rest. Now, I see hugely pregnant women that could easily have had the same due date as me and not yet given birth. And, I'm no longer one of them.

I met someone like that last week. She was actually due the day before me and hadn't yet had her baby and I was sitting on the couch with my baby who was already more than a week old. What a weird feeling!

I guess I just need to join the baby club. Now I notice mothers and their babies way more than I did before, so I guess that I now need to embrace that club.